I am old. How do I know this? Probably because every part of my body hurts. Probably because every time I enter a room I forget why I’m there. Probably because the other day while talking on my cell phone, I was getting totally cranky and flustered cuz I couldn’t seem to find my cell phone. The one I was talking into. Oh. And I also know I’m old because The Boy is turning 10 on Thursday. Yes. The Boy I gave birth to. TEN FREAKIN’ YEARS AGO!!!
So as a salute to The Boy on his double digit birthday, and as an even salutey-er salute to me for keeping an actual human being alive for 10 whole years, I am posting a re-run of his quotes from last year. Plus two new ones from this week. I have been saving all the crazy things he says for YEARS. And this re-run is a gift to him as well, because he has really turned into a fame whore because of this blog, and now every time he says something that makes me laugh he says “You should probably put that in your blog.”
The Boy is full of wisdom. Bask in it.
(The following quotes were all said by The Boy between the ages of 4 and 10. How could I NOT write this stuff down?)
Sometimes I like to do things to make people say ‘Man, that woman did not raise him right!’ Yeah, it makes me look bad. But it makes you look worse.
The Boy: My Birthday is tomorrow
Me: Are you excited?
The Boy: No.
Me: Why not?
The Boy: Because now I could go to Juvey, so I gotta be good.
When you’re dead I’m gonna eat 5 Auntie Ann’s pretzels a day. Cuz you won’t be my boss.
This is almost my one hundredth life. I’ve lived lots of lives. Some I remember and some I don’t, and I’ll probably live lots more.
I never want to go to a privates school! That’s creepy. They just make you learn about your privates!
The Boy: Mom, wanna take a bath with me?
Me: No honey.
The Boy: Why?
Me: You’re a big boy and it’s inappropriate.
The Boy: Well, how about when I turn 21 we get some beer and take a bath together.
Me: I don’t think so. That’s REALLY inappropriate.
The Boy: What if we wear trunks?
Mom, when I’m a man and I get married and have a little girl I’m gonna name her Sal. But for now I’m just gonna call you Sal. Okay Sal?
The Boy (said to my stomach): Goodnight brothers and sisters.
Me: There’s no brothers and sisters in there.
The Boy: Yes there are, but they were too slow and lost the race to be born. Tom was in 2nd place. Makenzie was in 3rd and Joe was a few miles behind her.
If I farted fire instead of gas that would be a big problem.
When I run, I fart automatically. It sounds like a machine gun.
Mommy, some people say rain is God crying, but I think it’s God sweating, because I think he likes to run around in those spinning tornado circles. And next time I’m in a plane, I’m gonna look out the window, and if I see him I’ll jump out and he’ll catch me and I’ll say, “Hey God, What’s up? Thanks for catching me!
The Boy asked The Hub for permission to stab suspicious men if they come onto our property whenever he is away on business. He said, “I have the power to kill someone if it’s an emergency.”
Cold is better than hot because if the hottest thing, like fire, got you, you’d be dead. But if the coldest thing got you, like a giant ice cube, someone could always smash you out with a hammer and you’d be fine.
The Boy was singing “All The Single Harry’s.” I pointed out that it is “All The Single Ladies” and he said “Well, I’m Sure there’s plenty of Harry’s that are single too.”
Mommy, I wish you were really fat so I could hug you so tight that you would explode into hundreds of little mommies and then I could hug all of them!
Me: I smell a toot.
The Boy: It was me. That’s how I live.
The Boy: Who were you talking to on the phone? A naked hippie?
The Boy came out of the bathroom with a long piece of toilet paper tied in a bow around his weenie and said “Look mom, my weenie has it’s own bow tie! I’m gonna keep him like this forever!”
The Boy gave me a drawing…
Me: It’s ripped and a piece is missing!
The Boy: Yeah. I’m eating it. Geesh.
You know, when you die you go to deadland and everything is gold and your skin comes off.
The Boy (playing with a plastic lizard): You know what kind of lizard this is? It’s a Canadian.
The Hub: Why is your lizard a Canadian?
The Boy: Because he can change colors.
The Boy: Mom, I am a man now. I grew my first man hair!
The Boy: On my big toe!
Mom, there’s lots of different names for your nuts. There’s nuts, seeds, privates, and atmosphere.
A lot of people think I’m not smart because I’m so crazy, but I am proof that you can be both very crazy and very smart.
You know I could kill someone with my bare hands. I just choose not to.
The Boy: School is strict. You’re not allowed to dance unless they tell you to.
Me: Well, do they ever tell you to?
The Boy: Hasn’t happened yet!
When your 8-year-old son is caught walking around with his hands behind his back saying in an English accent, “I’m just walking like an old timey English Gentleman” and you haven’t even asked him what he’s doing, he is most likely hiding something from you, and trying in a very unsuccessful and suspicious way to distract you from said hidden item.
The Boy and I saw a truck with a plate that said “Mr. Stuff.” I said, “I wonder where Mrs. Stuff is?” And he said, “Unfortunately, she’s dead. When I was a baby, I was out crawling around town and I saw her get hit by a car. It was sad. Mr. Stuff has never been the same.”
Why do we go to school when we’re just gonna die anyway?
The Boy: How old do I have to be to drink beer?
The Boy: Man, when I am 21 I am going to be extreme!
I was gonna try to be good today, but you just make me so bad!
The Boy (after he walked up & sprayed me in the face with Febreeze): I don’t know why I did it! My brain didn’t tell me I was going to do it, but my hands just did it!
And now photographic proof that I know how to cook up a baby:
HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY TO THE BOY!!!