April 14, 2011

I’m Actually Raising A Person. Let’s All Ponder That For A Moment…

I am old. How do I know this? Probably because every part of my body hurts. Probably because every time I enter a room I forget why I’m there. Probably because the other day while talking on my cell phone, I was getting totally cranky and flustered cuz I couldn’t seem to find my cell phone. The one I was talking into. Oh. And I also know I’m old because The Boy is turning 10 on Thursday. Yes. The Boy I gave birth to. TEN FREAKIN’ YEARS AGO!!! 

So as a salute to The Boy on his double digit birthday, and as an even salutey-er salute to me for keeping an actual human being alive for 10 whole years, I am posting a re-run of his quotes from last year. Plus two new ones from this week. I have been saving all the crazy things he says for YEARS. And this re-run is a gift to him as well, because he has really turned into a fame whore because of this blog, and now every time he says something that makes me laugh he says “You should probably put that in your blog.”  


The Boy is full of wisdom. Bask in it.
(The following quotes were all said by The Boy between the ages of 4 and 10. How could I NOT write this stuff down?)

Sometimes I like to do things to make people say ‘Man, that woman did not raise him right!’ Yeah, it makes me look bad. But it makes you look worse.

The Boy: My Birthday is tomorrow
Me: Are you excited?
The Boy: No.
Me: Why not?
The Boy: Because now I could go to Juvey, so I gotta be good.

When you’re dead I’m gonna eat 5 Auntie Ann’s pretzels a day. Cuz you won’t be my boss.

This is almost my one hundredth life. I’ve lived lots of lives. Some I remember and some I don’t, and I’ll probably live lots more. 

I never want to go to a privates school! That’s creepy. They just make you learn about your privates!

The Boy: Mom, wanna take a bath with me?
Me: No honey.

The Boy: Why?
Me: You’re a big boy and it’s inappropriate.

The Boy: Well, how about when I turn 21 we get some beer and take a bath together.
Me: I don’t think so. That’s REALLY inappropriate.

The Boy: What if we wear trunks? 

Mom, when I’m a man and I get married and have a little girl I’m gonna name her Sal. But for now I’m just gonna call you Sal. Okay Sal?

The Boy (said to my stomach): Goodnight brothers and sisters.
Me: There’s no brothers and sisters in there.
The Boy: Yes there are, but they were too slow and lost the race to be born. Tom was in 2nd place. Makenzie was in 3rd and Joe was a few miles behind her.

If I  farted fire instead of gas that would be a big problem.

When I run, I fart automatically.  It sounds like a machine gun.  

Mommy, some people say rain is God crying, but I think it’s God sweating, because I  think he likes to run around in those spinning tornado circles. And next time I’m in a plane, I’m gonna look out the window, and if I see him I’ll jump out and he’ll catch me and I’ll say, “Hey God, What’s up?  Thanks for catching me! 

The Boy asked The Hub for permission to stab suspicious men if they come onto our property whenever he is away on business. He said, “I have the power to kill someone if it’s an emergency.”  

Cold is better than hot because if the hottest thing, like fire, got you, you’d be dead. But if the coldest thing got you, like a giant ice cube, someone could always smash you out with a hammer and you’d be fine.

The Boy was singing “All The Single Harry’s.”  I pointed out that it is “All The Single Ladies” and he said “Well, I’m Sure there’s plenty of Harry’s that are single too.”
  
Mommy, I wish you were really fat so I could hug you so tight that you would explode into hundreds of little mommies and then I could hug all of them! 

Me: I smell a toot.
The Boy: It was me. That’s how I live. 

The Boy:  Who were you talking to on the phone? A naked hippie? 

The Boy came out of the bathroom with a long piece of toilet paper tied in a bow around his weenie and said “Look mom, my weenie has it’s own bow tie!  I’m gonna keep him like this forever!” 

The Boy gave me a drawing…
Me: It’s ripped and a piece is missing! 
The Boy: Yeah. I’m eating it. Geesh.

You know, when you die you go to deadland and everything is gold and your skin comes off.

The Boy (playing with a plastic lizard): You know what kind of lizard this is?  It’s a Canadian.
The Hub: Why is your lizard a Canadian?
The Boy: Because he can change colors.

The Boy: Mom, I am a man now. I grew my first man hair!  
Me: Where?
The Boy: On my big toe!

Mom, there’s lots of different names for your nuts. There’s nuts, seeds, privates, and atmosphere.  

A lot of people think I’m not smart because I’m so crazy, but I am proof that you can be both very crazy and very smart. 

You know I could kill someone with my bare hands. I just choose not to. 

The Boy: School is strict. You’re not allowed to dance unless they tell you to.
Me: Well, do they ever tell you to?
The Boy: Hasn’t happened yet!

When your 8-year-old son is caught walking around with his hands behind his back saying in an English accent, “I’m just walking like an old timey English Gentleman” and you haven’t even asked him what he’s doing, he is most likely hiding something from you, and trying in a very unsuccessful and suspicious way to distract you from said hidden item. 

The Boy and I saw a truck with a plate that said “Mr. Stuff.”  I said, “I wonder where Mrs. Stuff is?” And he said, “Unfortunately, she’s dead.  When I was a baby, I was out crawling around town and I saw her get hit by a car. It was sad. Mr. Stuff has never been the same.” 

Why do we go to school when we’re just gonna die anyway?

The Boy: How old do I have to be to drink beer?  
Me: 21
The Boy: Man, when I am 21 I am going to be extreme!

I was gonna try to be good today, but you just make me so bad! 

The Boy (after he walked up & sprayed me in the face with Febreeze): I don’t know why I did it!  My brain didn’t tell me I was going to do it, but my hands just did it!

And now photographic proof that I know how to cook up a baby:



HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY TO THE BOY!!!


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24 Responses to “I’m Actually Raising A Person. Let’s All Ponder That For A Moment…”

  1. Rock Star Mom Said:

    oh my I snorted I was laughing so loud!!

  2. Patti Ford Said:

    Thanks momma! He’s a riot!

  3. Ginger Magoo Said:

    My son just turned 9 and half the things that come out of his mouth have me scared social services will take him. My favorite…. of course announced in front of the masses……”mom when I grow up I’m gonna drink a LOOOOOOOOOT of beer. Just like you!”

  4. The Farmers Daughter Said:

    my son is 7 and the crazy shit that he says makes me giggle –but what your son comes up with is freakin EPIC!

  5. Beki Haddix Said:

    This is wonderful! I seriously hope you keep this segment up. Forever. Hahaha!

  6. Anonymous Said:

    Wow…I think this is what my future is going to sound like! I was laughing so hard. My son is four & he has blown me away with the craziness that has come out of his mouth. Just to keep on the beer theme “Mom, we need to get some beer for Santa Clause. Santa likes to drink beer like you.” me- “Santa likes milk….and cookies, not beer.” “Oh. (thinks a moment) Well I guess we could leave milk and cookies, but God told me he really likes beer.”

  7. melissa Said:

    Omg my son is turning 4 this year and i can see him saying all of this… His favorite phrase right now “its all good in the hood” I have now idea where he heard it he also sings that booty booty rock it everywhere song which is awkward since me and my boyfriend listen to rock and metal…..

  8. Anonymous Said:

    Your son sounds like a really intelligent and creative kid. My grandson is same way and whenever I am around him, I am constantly grinning or out and out laughing. you done good!

  9. April Michaud Said:

    This makes me want to have a kid so he/she will say hilarious things to make me laugh.. That’s a good enough reason to procreate, right?

  10. AMBER EMBREY Said:

    YOUR. SON. IS. BRILLIANT!!! Happy late 11th birthday by now Ethan!

  11. Shaz Bonny Said:

    It’s cool. My son hugs mannequins too. At least now I think it’s ok because yours does too. ahh relief, lol.

  12. Kristen Mae Said:

    That’s some pure, unadulterated awesomeness right there! What a cool kid you have! Little boys are so awesome!

  13. KrazyMomma Said:

    Seriously the funniest kid ever. I kinda wanna hang out with him.

  14. Dana Evans Said:

    Thank you for sharing these. After the week I’ve had I really needed a good laugh.

  15. Candace Brockhaus Said:

    No you are not the only Mom that has said “Son… Stop hugging the mannequins!” He’s such an awesome kid!!! I wish I had kept up with all the things my kids have said.. unfortunately they are smarter than most of the words that come out of their mouths..like the other day, we were watching that show about the conjoined twins on TLC & my youngest daughter (8) asked if they had the same birthday…yeah, she was even dumbfounded at herself…Happy birthday young man, we all know you are going to grow into a hoodlum, but at least you will be a funny hoodlum! Great stuff Patti!

  16. Lori H Said:

    He is so hilarious you guys seem like such a fun little family. happy birthday ” the boy!” I hope its as awesome a you are!

  17. Shorty Said:

    You did a great job raising a genious mind. And I forsee him continuing your blogg in the future

  18. Brittny M Said:

    I can’t even take it. It makes me wonder if my son (9 months old today) will be that awesome. I think he will. Congrats on raising a mini bundle of pure awesomeness.

  19. Kat Said:

    AWEsome. My son who just turned 12 and your son could be great friends….wait no, bad idea. It would likely cause us to laugh so hard we’d pee our pants.

  20. kim Said:

    Awesome, he is sooooo random like his mom, made me giggle, especially ‘i fart wen i run it sounds like a machine gun’ my 8yo girl also blames me 4 her bad behaviour!! My girl is a complete nutter n her adhd doesnt help matters xxxx

  21. Sara Jones Said:

    Bringing up the next generation of awesomeness!! Bravo! I have 2 girls- 9 next month and 6. We should do some gypsy marrying and see what kind of extra special sarcastic hybrids we could make! 😉

  22. Sara Jones Said:

    Bringing up the next generation of awesomeness!
    Bravo!!
    I have 2 girls- 9 next month & 6
    We should do some gypsy marrying and see what kind of extra special sarcastic hybrids we could make- lol

  23. stg58/Animal Mother Said:

    You should let him read Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts. That is a whole other level.

  24. Amanda Bombard Said:

    Amazeballs. The only word to describe The Boy. Just Amazeballs. I wish id kept track of all the Amazeball shit my seven year old has said. The best i can come up with, Off the top of my head, was the time we were at the local Mexican food restaurant. He began asking all the adults the same question. I believe there were five of us there with him, but only one of us asked him a question in return:

    CJ looked at my sister, says “auntie, what you doin?”
    She replied “Im eating”

    After asking everyone else at the table the same question, and getting the same response, Cj then asks my sisters boyfriend “chris, what YOU doing?”
    Chris says “im eating CJ, what are YOU doing?”

    To which my THREE YEAR OLD, smiling, very proudly, and very LOUDLY replied: “fuckin eatin!”

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