April 5, 2011

Having a uterus already sucks. What kind of stupid jack-hole wants to make it suck more?

Just FYI…This is totally a real thing that is actually happening:

What’s this? It looks like a plunger for a tiny toilet. Or a weird acorn. Or an urn. Or a bell to ring when you want your butler to bring you some rich people stuff.  Or a dunce cap for a naughty monkey. Or a funnel with which to make delicious, powdered-sugary funnel cakes. But alas, it is none of these things. At all. It’s actually a Moon Cup. AKA Menstrual Cup. And it’s exactly what it sounds like.

And this is a sea sponge. The kind that I sometimes use for painting. And the same kind that Spongebob is. Except more rounded. But these aren’t for painting. No. These are for something else entirely. You know, in case the Menstrual Cup is not your thing, and you’re more comfortable sticking Spongebob up your vagina. And then pulling him out every few hours and washing him in the sink. Then sticking him back up there again. 
And these are Glad Rags. Which sounds like Glad Bags. But are not for putting your kids PB&J’s in. At all. Although if you did wrap up a sandwich in these on your non-menstrually days, it would be very planet savey of you. But on your special lady days you’d better use the tupperware for lunch, cuz you’ll need these babies for other things. They are re-useable maxi pads. Just in case you don’t already totally hate your period. And just in case you’re not already in a bitchy enough mood. Now you can actually re-use your pads after you wash them in this:
You know, like you’re a pioneer or something.  And you might as well start wearing those bloomers and long skirts and stop brushing your teeth too. And hell! Why not give away your car so you can ride a horse-drawn wagon to your job at Oleson’s Mercantile. Then go panning for gold on your lunch break. Then go home and milk the cows and churn some butter. Then make your family dinner from scratch and cook it in a wood burning stove. And poop in an outhouse. And have sex with a man who smells like a hobo’s crack because he plows fields with a mule all day and you don’t have a shower. Or deodorant. And then have, like, 20 babies because (a) You have no birth control, and (b) You would rather just stay pregnant your whole adult life than wear maxi pads that you have to hand wash and re-use.

I love our planet. But I’d rather kick Mother Earth in the balls -with that super amazing karate kid crane kick that Daniel-son whooped Johnny’s dumb Cobrai-Kai ass with- than use any of these stupid things. For reals.

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45 Responses to “Having a uterus already sucks. What kind of stupid jack-hole wants to make it suck more?”

  1. oil painting workshop Said:

    I like your blog!…Daniel

  2. Patti Ford Said:

    Love your paintings! (Isn’t this sweet?)

  3. Dame Becky, cousin of patti, lover of pepsi Said:

    what is the funnel? i do not understand what to do with it. and fyi……i thought the person (daniel) that commented first said ” I like your bong” so i thought………hellz yeh patti. :>). then i read it again and was mildly disappointed there would be no party at pattis

  4. Patti Ford Said:

    Ha! Well, Becky… The funnel is actually a cup that you shove up your hoo ha and it catches your lady time stuff, and you yank on that “stem” to pull it out, empty, and clean it. Yes. And that process doesn’t sound messy. At all. Go to gladeags.com for answers to all your questions and more. Much more.

  5. Chels Said:

    It’s totally not messy unless you’re an idiot. Seriously. And I am like, the #1 most squeamish person I know about periods because out of everyone I know, I get the worst ones. I have the high score for most periods resembling that scene in “Carrie” out of everyone I’ve ever met in 20 years. And admittedly the concept is kinda creepy, but honestly its a lifesaver. Do you know how many times I’ve accidentally swung a tampon at something trying to get rid of it? Or almost dropped it? Or just thrown it on accident? And then they just sit in the trash. What if you knock the trash over? What if someone goes digging in there for something? What if you dont wrap it enough?? Ugh.

    And back to that thing about my uterus being an actual Stephen King movie, this requires that if and when I use tampons, I have to change them (and any liners) about every hour or two. The cup I can deal with once a day instead of 12 times. Yes it is a piece of plastic funnel-looking thing that I temporarily store in my vagina to collect you know what and it sounds awful and barbaric and I absolutely will never go back to tampons.

    You’re perfectly at liberty to hate them. I’m just partaking in the discussion.

  6. shannon damanti Said:

    Your prerogative. : )

  7. Amanda Dearest Said:

    Oh chels- I’m so sorry to hear about your tendancy to produce Stephen King masterpieces in the lady parts. Have you ever tried the “instead” cup? Similar concept- less ummm barbaric-looking. I myself tried it once, I’ll save the details (you’re welcome) but needless to say, my “idiot” self recreated that same scence you mentioned above. In my boyfriends bathroom. Which happened to be located in a dorm. A military dorm. On an air force base. Let’s just say I’m so very thankful no one called 911. And that he married me anyway haha

  8. Nicole Said:

    I LOVE the cup! No mess, no fuss, no stinky trash. Just as fast as a tampon once you get the hang of it.

  9. Patti Ford Said:

    Oops! Gladrags not gladeags.

  10. Anonymous Said:

    Oh this is soooooooooooo awesome. I have about 50 ‘Earthy’ friends I want to recite it to now. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  11. WVgal Said:

    Don’t hate. I use something like that cup thing (shorter stem), and the reusable fabric pads. I love them. Wouldn’t ever go back to disposable pads and tampons. Way more comfortable. The menstrual cup holds way more than a tampon and only needs to be taken out twice a day. I do it on the toilet or in the shower. And I won’t go into the money I save. Granted, washing out the pads can be an unpleasant chore, but it’s not as gross as washing out cloth diapers. Or having a trash can full of bloody tampons and pads.

  12. pinwheelsandpoppies Said:

    Word.

  13. LilyPetals Said:

    Mmmm don’t knock that cup until you try it. I’m talkin zero leaks and it really is not messy after you learn it. I mean wear white pants commando no leaks here. Just sayin.

  14. Hippie Chic yo! Said:

    HA! You make me laugh. 🙂 I, as well, use the reusable cloth pads and the moon cup. I actually like the pads better than the cup though!!

  15. Meetzar the Magnificent Said:

    The people that invented these things obviously didn’t have a uterus with an attitude like I did…if I would have tried to use any of these things, they would have quit and walked off after 1/2 an hour on a good day…

  16. Anonymous Said:

    I have a spazy uterus and I love my cup! Plus there’s nothing grosser than taking out an unsaturated tampon…think about it scraping the inside.of.your.puss

  17. Anonymous Said:

    Menstrual cups might seems weird, but they’re pretty awesome. Way less gross than tampons and you don’t have to worry about TSS or leaking if you don’t find a restroom every couple of hours. Wish everyone knew about these!

  18. Anonymous Said:

    I would never ever ever on my worse day use any of those contraptions! i’d rather roll up some paper towels if i ran out of tampons until I got to the store! Ew Ew and EWWWWWWWWW!

  19. zinkemom Said:

    The Diva Cup has been the best thing EVER for my periods. Seriously. Since I’ve been wearing it I swear they are shorter, lighter, less crampy, and WAY cleaner. Like anonymous above me there is something that is just nasty about pulling a dry tampon out. I don’t have that problem with my cup. There is a bit of a learning curve for the first cycle or two but after that it is as easy as can be with no mess at all. Just wash your hands (which you should be doing anyways) and go.

  20. Anonymous Said:

    i use reusable pads….i’m highly allergic to something in regular pads and tampons….the sponge freaks me out…alot…but i’d like to try the diva cup which is similar to the moon cup…

  21. Anonymous Said:

    Are the opening acts for Minstrel shows Pre-Minstrels?
    @cdbonner1

  22. Anonymous Said:

    Any of these above items: You’d smell like a walking corpse and you’d be a walking yeast infection.
    What the hell is wrong with cotton pads and tampons??

  23. Ann Hull Said:

    Ya’ll are nasty……i love it lol

  24. Lisa Pederson Said:

    lol Oh wow, a walking corpse? Why? The cloth pads have made a world of difference for me! I am allergic to the chemicals in the store bought pads and tampons and I feel like I have been raped when I use them. I guarantee that if you have that issue, you would try these! And then you would find out that the chemicals in the store bought products are designed to make my bleed MORE and LONGER, and cause much more painful cramping. Go the natural route and watch your cycle change to 4 days, lighter, and where the heck did the cramps GO?

  25. Danielle Pelonzi Said:

    Fuckin menstrual cycles, eh?

  26. Danielle Pelonzi Said:

    And no. I’m not Canadian.

  27. Anonymous Said:

    Hahaha

  28. Peggy Said:

    I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with them anymore. One of the perks about getting older.

  29. Anonymous Said:

    I have the exact same issue as Lisa Pederson! Horribly allergic to commercial tampons and pads. Trust me, the ONE place you do NOT want an allergic reaction is your cooter. Mother of God!
    I use cloth pads and no issues at all in the years since I started using them!
    To each her own, but I’m so glad I made the switch!

  30. Anonymous Said:

    What is the brand/product y’all are using?? (The cup thing) … I have found a few but was afraid to use them.

  31. Angie Said:

    Not in my lifetime. Ever.

  32. Anonymous Said:

    I have been on the pill for about 6+ years to help control vertigo associated with migraines. I never go off meaning I have not had a period in years and never felt better in my life. I couldn’t deal with one if I had to go back after this long.

  33. Anonymous Said:

    LOL at pads causing cramps. I have cramps BEFORE I even start so what’s causing the cramps then? Jeebus people! As for the cup, if you shove a plastic funnel up your twat I certainly hope you do kegel exercises afterwards. I’ve tried the Instead brand of cup. Yes, they are messy. I can see how the moon cup may not be but Instead most certainly is. Yes, you only have to change a couple times a day but you better do it in the shower because if you don’t, it looks like your uterus threw up on your hand and diarrheaed all over the toilet.

  34. Anonymous Said:

    Get an ablation and never worry about it again. I did. Now that is Earth friendly.

  35. Zoe Said:

    I’m with you Danielle!
    I’ve used the “Instead” in the past, but can’t with an IUD now… love the idea of the moon cup as I also have a heavy flow and HATE public restrooms with stalls and no sink adjacent… life’s messy sometimes, no?

  36. mew-luvs-mewtwo Said:

    ive never seen this cup before, … i honestly wouldn’t think of trying it, but i hate tampons too, and pads, i just deal. -_- I would love to be pregnant all the time, but that would mean more issues with the kid. And I HATE BLOOD, like faint when i see too much of it. so washing bloody pads No way -_- *die*

    Same reason i dont do cloth diapers for my kid… ew.

    But can i get more info on those cups? i’m hesitant to try them, but honestly since having my kid it’s been a horrible period after horrible period… i’m about to do anything to make it less messy >> and waisting less pastic bags where i specifcally have locked in a cabnet on my week, to throw them in, which i have to unlock every 2 hours -_- *so the kid doesnt do something unpleasent with the trash* =+=

    but those sponages, yes i would love to insert a once living thing into my vagina multipul times and rinse it multipul times a day. yes that sounds lovely, sticking dead things in my bloody vagina -_- ew.

  37. Anonymous Said:

    I’m a diva cup user too and I have to say they really aren’t that bad.. I mean sticking anything up there during shark week is less than pleasant anyway… With the diva cup you barely even know that you have your period..

  38. Anonymous Said:

    Holy hopping snot batman… I would have never thought that women used that cup thing.. God bless you all.. Maybe if I had discovered that bad boy and tried it, I wouldn’t have opted to have my uterus torn out of me for fear of bleeding to death… Anyway ladies.. Kudos to you all that use those forms of blood suckers… :o)

  39. Monster Lilly Said:

    My body would not have ever let me use any of these things, as when I menstruate it is as if I have given birth. Pads? HA! My uterus laughs at the puny extra heavy flow pads…and I know I would have had to change the damn cup thing several times a day…I am on constant hormone therapy for migraines and dysmenorrhea, but the plus of that is NO LADY TIME. No lady time also means no PMS, so lovely to not want to maim the husband and run away from home once a month.

  40. Janie Blakely Said:

    Ya’ll people crack me up! Being free at last from the “blood-dimmed tide” as well, I’m not sure which products I would or would not be prone to try were they still needed. But the comaradie shared here, no matter which side of the debate on which you fall on is inspiring. Thanks, gals!

  41. Anonymous Said:

    I love this! By the time I read all of these comments, I’ve completely forgotten what the blog was even about! Whatever the article was actually about, I love that this has turned into a forum for all the Ladies to share and ask about things we just don’t know… Back to the top to start reading again…

  42. MyLove Barnett Said:

    I thought those cups were the dumbest damn thing I’ve ever HEARD of…until I was dared to try one as an experiment for our forum LOL Yes, I’m a 13 year old boy who cannot refuse a dare, apparently.
    They got me. They straight up hooked me, from day 1.
    I have the Moon Cup, and I’ve had it for a year now. The first day was straight out of a slasher flick, but once I figured it out, I swear, I’m a Moon girl for life.
    There is absolutely no need to spend bajillions of dollars on chemically-processed cotton products every month, when I now have a cup made medical-grade silicone. I’ve never had a leak, I’ve never had a mess (after that first day), and there is ZERO chance of TSS (or yeast) from using a cup, if you use it properly. (I mean, I’m not a doctor or anything, but I imagine you *could* theoretically introduce some kind of bacteria down there if you want to act nasty with it, KWIM?)
    There is also the added benefit (important to me, maybe not you) of the “stem” being silicone, as opposed to the string of a tampon — there is no up-traveling of liquids…like when you pee, or shower, or swim. Soggy tampons were the bane of my summers.
    Anyhoo, I didn’t mean to write a novel, but seriously? Try it.

  43. Anonymous Said:

    from someone who tried a divacup (like the first cup but better) at 19- i have never turned back. it is easier- less painful and has saved me soooo much money. give it a go before you kick it. it’s easier (less changing)- more comfortable (its silicone not dry cotton) and better for your body (no dioxins) & earth (doesnt go in a landfill) and it last for a long time. give it a boil after your week & ur good to go. there is literally no down side. that i can find. except that people judge it as “weird” but it has actually been around longer than tampons and they marketed tampons more because they made the companies more money and were easier to sell in pretty ads. anywho! new to your blog & love it so far.

  44. Angieleigh Said:

    After reading this post and all of the comments…

    I am SO GLAD that I had a hysterectomy 4 years ago. I can empathize with the Carrie like shark week as that’s what mine was like. Except I couldn’t wait an hour or two…it was more like every ten to thirty minutes.

    Now I just deal with weird mood swings and keep all of my blood where it belongs. In my veins!

  45. Angela Said:

    You need to read this article!
    http://www.thepolivkafamily.com/2013/06/no-more-toilet-paper-switching-to-cloth/

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