March 30, 2011

Spiderpocalypse Part 2: I Couldn’t Make This Sh*t Up If I Wanted To.

Last week I told you guys about Spiderpocalypse 2011. And if you didn’t read it you should go do it now because (a) It’s pretty horrific, (b) I don’t wanna explain it again, and (c) It will give you one more reason to add to your already long lists of why you should thank your lucky stars that you’re not me. I got lots of great  emails from you guys, and while I really do appreciate the supportive words, just for future reference be aware that I also appreciate supportive gifts of baked goods and alcohol in times of stress and/or despair. Or at least an email saying “I’ll be right over to help you kick some spider ass!” Just FYI.

When I wrote last week, things were pretty bad around here. I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t sleep. And I was all periody too. So add that drama to the spider drama and you have a deadly combination. So of course I’m thinking that this unexplained spider invasion is the worst thing that could happen to me. But I was totally wrong. Cuz sometimes The Universe just likes to tell you to suck her balls.

So Friday The Exterminator came over and I greeted him at the door like he was a mutha effin’ rock star and I spent a few minutes telling him the story of our home invasion and showing him the murder scenes and re-enacting a few of the more dramatic murders. And I told him it was just like that Arachnophobia movie, and that once he rang our doorbell he became an important character in the movie so he’d better take care of business or else he’d really be letting the audience down. That’s when he stared at me blankly. So I told him that if he couldn’t get rid of the spiders he’d have to live here and be my spider bodyguard 24/7. Or I could move in with him if he had a residence that was spider-free. Which I assume he did or else he’s a pretty crappy exterminator. And I asked him if he had cable. Cuz I don’t wanna miss my shows. And that’s when he stared at me blankly again.

So when the bug guy goes in the attic, he’s all “Uh oh!” Which I totally define as “You have a spider queen in here and she’s 6 feet wide and has given birth to 5.3 million spider babies and she has a Wanted Dead or Alive poster with your face hanging in her web and so you’re totally gonna have to either move or become her bitch.” But what it really meant was “Spiders are the least of your worries cuz dude…you have roof rats taking over your home.” And then he shows me the poop and proceeds to tell me about how they’re big mofo’s and they follow eachother in by their urine streams so they can basically have Rave’s in my attic, and how they can get all gangy and fighty and crap and then the losers will start coming into the house after the winners kick their pansy asses out of the attic. So I say “You mean it’s kinda like West Side Story? They’re like, snapping and singing a lot and fighting over territory?” And I sing a little of The Jet Song, and he gives me a blank stare. So I say “Like the Crips and the Bloods?” And that is when I realize that he’s so not on my wavelength and I give up.

So he’s looking around outside for “Entry Points” and he tells me “Oh, by the way, there’s a big snake in that brick pile behind the garage. Actually I think I saw two. And snakes like to eat rats. So they will sometimes follow the urine stream into the attic to eat the rats.” So first I’m like “What is up with these rats and their urine streams? Are they incontinent like Whoopie Goldberg? Cuz, you know, she does those commercials for Poise Pads. Or are they just too busy breaking into peoples attics to take a pee break so they just pee on the fly? And by the way do either the snakes or the rats eat spiders?” And of course that answer was “No.” So I’m all “That totally sucks. That really woulda made this whole rat/snake/spider pill much easier to swallow if they could just complete the food chain. But no….those stupid snakes and rats are too fancy to eat the damn spiders.” Blank stare.

So THAT is what I was dealing with last week, people. But I remained quite calm about the whole thing. Really. And I think that’s just because it was too crazy to even begin to wrap my head around. Plus, it gave me something to joke about. And I do like something to joke about.

But the estimate to fix this whole spider/rat/snakepocalypse was insane. And we wanted to get a few more quotes, and this nice lady who has a Pest Control service in my neighborhood offered to come and check things out for us for free. And you know what she said? The poop is old and it looks like it may be from before we even moved here. And she doesn’t think we have anything going on. So now there are some traps set up and we will see if we get anything. Actually, Steve will see if we get anything. Cuz there’s no way in hell I’m gonna check that out. But I feel MUCH better now, thanks to Anna (@ All American Pest Control). And ever since the spider spraying I haven’t seen anything. Knock on wood. And I’m finally starting to chill out and stop looking over my shoulder. A little bit.

These are a few of the things that I’ve thought were spiders this week. In addition to: the spots on my cat’s tail, a few shadows, a fork, my own hair, wood graining on the floor, and a runaway Raisinet. Which I then ate. Because I’m pretty sure that the 5 Second Rule doesn’t count when you’re under home invasion.

And so now I’m hoping as hard as I can that this episode of National Geographic ends soon. I can’t take the stress, you guys. When I got up to pee the other night I thought I saw a snake in The Hub’s sink. And when I’m in bed I can totally convince myself that there are spiders making nests in my hair. Animals…they love my hair. If I drink lots of wine and take a few Tylenol PM’s before bed it really helps, but I’m kinda thinkin’ that might not be super healthy. So I told The Hub that I’ve decided to let Bear Grylls move in, if we can’t get this situation under control. Because he would just totally kill and eat everything in his path. I’m sure they could film a special episode in our house or something. And on Saturday we saw an episode of Man Vs. Wild where Bear ate a freakin’ HUGE cave spider. For no apparent reason. As usual. And it was completely repulsive yet just what I need around here. And I told The Hub that he wouldn’t really have to worry about me having an affair with Bear, because although I find him to be extremely sexy and he has that amazing British accent, I just don’t think I could kiss I guy who I’ve seen eat so many creepy crawlies, in addition to drinking not only his own urine, but also the liquid he squeezed out of a massive pile of Elephant poop. But on second thought, I guess I could do stuff from the neck down. And The Hub should probably be ok with that because according to Julia Roberts when she was a prostitute in Pretty Woman: Stuff from the neck down isn’t personal.

“I rawther fancy kicking spider arse!”

Anyway…that is what’s happening at my house. Don’t you all feel lucky? Seriously. You should. But thankfully it’s getting better. And I’m distracting myself by planning a trip to Maui, but I was reading my guide book and I saw this:

Way to go ruining paradise, Mother Nature.

And that’s enough about spiders. Now, for absolutely no reason other than to erase visions of spiders, rats and snakes out of your heads, please enjoy this photo of me and a cute, almost naked boy. You’re welcome.

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13 Responses to “Spiderpocalypse Part 2: I Couldn’t Make This Sh*t Up If I Wanted To.”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    I had spider problems a few years ago. The paranoia it produces is freaking extreme! I understand!!

  2. Jessica Said:

    I am so in love with you! You make me feel like I am not the only crazy bitch in this world. Spiders are a good reason for moving and not sleeping…ever. Everytime I have an unaccounted for mark on my body, I automatically assume it’s a poisonous spider bite, most likely a brown recluse because their venom has no antidote and their bites make your skin rot off like a bad horror movie and leave big gaping wounds on your body that spiders can lay eggs in while you sleep and the baby spiders can swim thru your body and they eventually get tiredd of being in there and they eat their way out, so one day you’re just chilling watching The Walking Dead reruns and all of a sudden your skin starts to itch and burn and millions of baby spiders start pouring out of your skin and eating you alive.

    ugh.
    I hate spiders.

  3. Anonymous Said:

    As soon as I saw the word “rat” I stopped giving a shat about the spiders. And then big snakes? Possibly in your HOUSE??? UUUUUUUGH!!!!!

  4. Anonymous Said:

    We have camel crickets. Don’t u go googling that, now…..

  5. Sarah Said:

    All spiders are venomous but none of the UK spiders can kill you. There was a plastic beaker upside down on my living room floor when I got up yesterday. No.1 daughter was having an early morning drink when she spotted large(for the UK) hairy eight-legged git staring at her. Beaker went over the top and daughter returned to her bedroom. I was amazed by her bravery and told her so. Husband not impressed. Cat not interested. I am really trying not to Google camel crickets now!

  6. Sarah Said:

    Have an urge to Google camel crickets but trying to resist for my own good. I feel for you with all the varmints roaming your house. Cats keep bringing me shrews and voles which we release into the field behind us if they are still alive. Both protected species here but cats will not listen! Neighbour complains that cats chase squirrels and throw water at them. Large hunter spider has taken up residence under my sun lounger. Cats useless when you want them to kill something. Standing in garden saying “get it!” to cat only makes me feel stupid. Have only seen a snake outside once since moving to England nearly twenty years ago. I am lucky there are not more dangerous beasts lurking about, I suppose. Good luck.

  7. Anonymous Said:

    I had a snake in my laundry room. It came in through the dryer vent. As my hubby said, wow, that’s a effin nice size one (3 ft) as he removed it. I was jumping up and down screaming and crying in the next room. Now if my daughter leaves a belt on the floor, I pass out. No joke. Laundry gives me the chills. F*ck the spiders and snakes of the world, I would like to see the eco system do without them.

  8. Anonymous Said:

    I had bats in my attic. For over a year, because my landlord told me to “just call him and he’d come over with a tennis racket.” WTF. That wasn’t the point, as I was already a PRO with a flattened pizza box. I actually sort of miss those terrifying nights… I was a total Ninja Bat Killing Badass! Long story short, I called the exterminator myself and billed it to him. It was a hot chick in short shorts on a ladder putting a little one-way bat door where they were entering the attic. I was a bit jealous of her awesome legs, as I looked out my 2nd story window and down at my own flabby ones. Anyhoo, it’s been well over a year since the problem has been rectified, but I *still* see them flying across my darkened bedroom. So you’ll be “seeing” spiders for a quite a while, honey.

  9. Nicole Said:

    I just found your blog and I love you! You trip me out! Spiders are scary enough then he is talking about big ass rats and rat urine seeking snakes? fuck that!

  10. thompsgirl06 Said:

    I’m so happy that I’m not the only one who screams all new types of profanities and passes out over spiders! I have the same paranoia about how if u kill one the rest will come for you! My 4 yr old brought a spider up to me and I nearly hit him (shear instinctual reaction) but the trauma I caused the poor kid from the scream was far worse I’m sure! Damn spiders!

  11. Anonymous Said:

    Screw the rats and snakes, I can stare either of those down like some badass exterminator woman from hell armed with only my uber mom jedi eye skill. It’s the spiders that make me go all girly and lose every bit of my built up independent woman points for screaming, fainting, and peeing myself a little. Does anyone else sing that song to spell that word? If it’s a yes then I don’t need to tell you what word I’m referring to. Love Love Love you insane mombrain!!!

    Murfie

  12. Linda Campbell Said:

    I can’t stop crying from laughing so hard!!! I thought you may like to know that I’ve put you in my lyrical genius category, along with Eminem and Kid Rock!!! I’ve got some tarantula-ish arachnids that have taken up residence in my basement. It’s horrific.

  13. Ashley Said:

    Well I feel your pain, there is an infestation of these jumping spiders in my crafty area and a few times I have lost it whilst holding a glue gun and yeeppppp got burnt. I hope your spider troubles are over.

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