March 24, 2011

I Was Gonna Write About My PMS But I’m Too PMSy.

So if I can get myself together, I’ll write about it later. I know how you guys love to read my ranting and complaining, and I don’t want to disappoint. But for now I just wanted to show you something I discovered in the back of my US magazine:

This is called a Jewels Finnish Cover, which if you ask me, is a really really stupid name that doesn’t describe what the product is. At all. Can you guys guess by looking at it? When I first saw it I thought it was one of those rubber change purses that I had when I was a kid, that you squeeze to open. But it’s not. Not even close. This is a cover for your girl parts, for use when you get a spray tan or a wax or when you shave your bikini area. Yeah. This actually exists. Why? I don’t know. I’ve been taking care of my bikini area for years, and I have yet to injure myself down there. But maybe I’m the minority. Maybe other women are drinking and shaving. Maybe other women are going all Edward Scissorhands on their privates. Maybe the hospitals are overrun with bikini shaving injuries. I don’t know. But the website says it is, and I quote, “Custom fitted by YOU to protect your labia minora and personal areas.” When they’ve already specified the labia minora (gag), I really can’t begin to guess what the “and personal areas” part is referring to. How much more personal can you get? And really, who says labia minora? I haven’t heard that since 6th grade sex ed. And FYI, I was doing just fine for the past 27 years.

People seem to enjoy it. I mean, there’s quite a few reviews on their website. Quotes like:

“My husband loves my cover. I can shape my beaver any way I please.”


“Thanks for giving me a way to protect my private areas!”

Wow. And you can even get it bedazzled and personalized. It could say “Hot” or “Sexy” or perhaps “I’m a total moron who can’t keep from totally cutting off my labia when I shave therefore I spent 30 bucks on this stupid vagina helmet.”

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I saw a link for this:

This is called a Banana Peelz. It is a cover for your wiener. You know, “when you’re tanning, getting a massage, wearing a kilt, or for clothing optional beaches.” Yeah…cuz you won’t look at all stupid walking down a nude beach with a decorative baggie over your ding-dong.

Sometimes the world frightens me, you guys.

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4 Responses to “I Was Gonna Write About My PMS But I’m Too PMSy.”

  1. Meetzar the Magnificent Said:

    Holy crap…I haven’t even finished my second cup of coffee yet and I already have more horrifying pictures in my head than I did yesterday!!! Thank you!! 🙂 Now let’s invent some stupid s*** for our genitals!!!

  2. Anonymous Said:

    o. m. g.

  3. Danielle Pelonzi Said:

    Bahaha hilarious. I’m almost tempted by the va jay jay helmet… just to say I have one 😛

  4. Danielle Pelonzi Said:

    Bahaha hilarious. I’m almost tempted by the va jay jay helmet… just to say I have one 😛

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