March 24, 2011


I’m moving. Don’t tell The Hub and The Boy, cuz they’ll just try to stop me. Or not. They might help me pack. But anyways, I’m outta here cuz we are being overrun with spiders. Big ass spiders. And you know what? Not a fan. At all.

I told you guys about my terminator son and how he killed Mega-Spider for me and how it totally rocked. Well, 2 days later he did it again to another Mega-Spider. And today there was another one in the dining room. But this one was a Mega-Mega Spider. And The Terminator was at school. I was alone. Well, the cat was here with me and I thought she might wanna kill it so I threw her on it, but she got all pissy about that and ran away. She’s obviously a selfish a-hole. And the lawn guys were here, and I almost ran out and grabbed one to kill it, but ever since they saw me naked I try and avoid them as much as possible.

So I had no choice you guys. I had to kill it. I fly swatted the holy BeeGee’s out of it. I was screaming and yeah, I’ll admit it, crying the entire time. And I showed the cat the corpse and told her that THAT is how you man up and protect your family. And I secretly hoped she would eat it so I wouldn’t have to pick it up. And she is on a doctor-ordered diet so I thought that maybe she would just do it. But the girl is a culinary snob. So I left it there for The Boy to take care of after he gets home. And so I sat down at my desk to write a little bit and I saw the spider move. Which is completely insane you guys cuz I killed it good. So I’m pretty sure these are Zombie Spiders. Which makes me wanna die. I would sooooooo much rather fight People Zombies, Grizzly Bear Zombies, Lion Zombies, any kind of Zombie you can imagine, more than an effin’ Spider Zombie. I’m NOT ok with that. At all. So I had to re-kill it. With a shoe. And now I’m emotionally scarred for life. I called our pest control place and I am pretty sure they are afraid to come over here now. Not because of the spiders, but because of me. I told them it’s a Spiderpocalypse and they’re Zombified and they better send an entire team and take car of this situation ASAP or I was gonna lose my sh*t. And I called The Hub and told him about it and while talking to him a spider jumped across my mother effing desk. JUMPED! Like he was a freakin’ Chinese acrobat! And he stopped on my calendar and looked at me and his eyes spun around. For real. I could not make this up. And then The Hub admitted to killing a huge one the other morning that he kept secret from me. I cannot trust that dude. And now I’m seriously considering home-schooling The Boy just so he can be here 24/7 for spider killing emergencies. And most of you know, I would almost rather die than homeschool. Which should tell you just how serious this is.

I sat down to write about my PMS and then this all happened so I am totally sidetracked and emotionally distraught. I’ve already written so much that I have to condense the rest. So basically…My PMS is bad. I’m so broken out I look like I have leprosy and I had a freakin’ pimple on my eyelid. Do you know how painful that is? And my brain isn’t working and my body is trying to quit me. Instead of my Pilates toe socks today, I took gloves because I was confused. And then IN Pilates, my friend -who requests to remain nameless- fell head first off the reformer and almost died and (after making sure she was alive, cuz I’m not that terrible) I almost peed my pants (and actually her name rhymes with pee). And I totally hurt my uterus doing an exercise which I hate, so now I’m pretty sure my uterus is bruised. Chocolate Thunder just laughed at  my injuries and if he had a uterus I’d probably bruise it so he could know what it feels like. Ya know, since he sometimes listens to music that uterus-having types listen to, so maybe he does have one. I will have to look into that. And AFTER Pilates I went to physical therapy and totally pulled the shit outta my back getting out of the car, like an old lady,  so they sent me home and probably made fun of me behind my screwed up old lady back, which I deserve and approve of completely. Then when I got home I was trying to cut a pita in half with kitchen scissors and I cut my finger open instead which hurt and bled on my pita, but I got to wear a mustache band-aid and actually need it this time instead of pretending I have a boo-boo just so I can wear it. And this is totally out of sequential order, but yesterday I thought I saw a neighbor girl on our back patio so I went out to talk to her and got halfway through a sentence before looking over at her and realizing she was a mop.

In my defense, from inside the house I could only see the head. And when I went outside I was looking into the yard while I talked to her. It. So, it could happen to anyone. Really.

And so this should pretty much tell you that my life is sucking right now. And I can barely type because of the back pain and also because this lame-ass cat is between me and the keyboard. But mostly because I am completely paranoid about being stalked by spiders. And Holy Balls, you guys! I just saw a spider in the hallway. SWEAR TO GOD! I had to kill it, and in a moment of screaming insanity I threw it into the toilet. But I’m still not touching that other one. And if I have to sleep here I will be awake all night, because I’m pretty sure that spiders can sense that I’m injured and they’re gonna wait for me to fall asleep so they can go all Gulliver’s Travels on me and try to capture me and climb into my ears and nose and have babies and stuff. So I’m gonna have to sleep wearing earmuffs and one of those breathing masks that Michael Jackson always wore in public. And I’m gonna have to be drunk. So if any of you guys have a guest room that is spider-free that you would like to offer me, I would very much like to move in. I will bring lots of booze and my amazing company. Or maybe I’ll just move in with this guy., cuz he looks like a dude who could kill some spiders:

If you kill spiders I will. And the mustache is pretty amazing too…
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16 Responses to “I AM FREAKING THE HELL OUT!”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    why why why was I not in that pilates classs?

  2. jeff jamison Said:

    I LOL’d Patti. Seriously. And I almost woke Sarah up to read this to her. Almost. Because if I had woke her up to read this, she would not be amused. No LOL. Not even a lol. Just angry eyebrows and a pencil stab to the eye. Well, maybe not a pencil stab to the eye, but you get my drift.


  3. Patti Ford Said:

    Thanks, Jeff. Next time wake her up. Live on the edge.

  4. Kristie Said:

    Holy balls! I love you. I think I really, really love you.

  5. Mechelle Zarou Said:

    I thought I was the only human who ever had a pimple on the eyelid (let alone 3 over several months time)! I’m in awe of this revelation. Thank you, thank you, for sharing this with me.

  6. Anonymous Said:

    I thought I was the only person in the world that was that freaked out by spiders! I once stuffed towels under my bedroom door, and slept on the couch for a week because I saw one on my bed. I also encountered tarantulasaurus rex in an outbuilding at my dad’s house. Needless to say I could have won a medal for hurdle jumping for clearing the porch railing to get away. Damn thing was so big my cousin had to use a large rake to kill it with.

  7. Jessica Barnette Said:

    Who wants a mustache ride? Hmm. This girl right here. Hahaha

  8. Anonymous Said:

    Freaking hilarious…laughed til I cried reading this!

  9. TARAdise11 Said:

    So as I was reading this my son yelled from the other room “mom, there’s a spider!”
    strange (and scary) coincidence

  10. Anonymous Said:

    Zippo lighter, can of lysol. Instant spider flamethrower. Used ’em in the Army…well when we weren’t making bongs out of pepsi cans. Of course, house hold furnishings may go up in flames, but spider killing ain’t easy chickie baby.

  11. Tammy Said:

    OMG you sound just like me when I talk and I totally understand because shit like this always happens to me! Love this page!

  12. Fancy Nancy Said:

    I have 2 spider d-bags that live in the upper corner of my shower that like to masturbate and judge me all the time! Sometimes it’s so bad I huddle in a fetal position and cry..not really but one of these days I will get the courage to take my towl and sling shot their butts off my shower wall. I really enjoy your post and blog and get a good laugh in the process.Thank you for taking a stand and talking about this problem people face about the abuse of spiders.I hope you can get your “gangsters” of spiders out of your house. Peace

  13. Elisheva Carlson Said:

    I feel we are kindred spirits based on the arachnophobia alone. You are hilarious! I read this post aloud to my husband and his reply: I heard on the news that you swallow at least 7 spiders in your lifetime. He may have to move out now. Ugh. Add that to your list of paranoid scenarios!


  14. Anonymous Said:

    I always had a fear of eating spiders in my sleep, until one time I woke up in the act. Fortunately I was still mostly asleep, so instead of panicking I just pulled the legs out of my mouth, drank some water and thought something along the lines of “Can I get fries with that?”

  15. Wish U Knew Said:

    I normally just follow blogs and fanpages, giggle a little bit and not comment. Especially if I do not know the person. However, I have to comment because I think I broke one of my ribs or had an asthma attack or something laughing at this. I laughed so hard that I am in pain. I just wanted you to know that. Also…by reading the things you talk about, I would swear you were talking about MY life.

  16. Athena Mikesell Said:

    Just wanted to inform my fellow arachnophians that in Montana we have what are called or maybe just what we call “HOBO” Spiders and was told that if you kill them they let off a distinct smell that attracts more spiders. So when I am home alone and have to kill one myself after hyperventalating and talking myself into actually doing it I spray the murder scene with some type of cleaning spray, whether it be lysol, windex, or anything with a scent! Just thought I would share this IDK if it’s all spiders or just these but I don’t take any chances.

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