March 30, 2011

Dear Mexican Badgers, You totally need to fire Roberto The Bartender as your PR person.

So…remember my last post about Mexico and how we came thisclose to being attacked and murdered in our sleep by Mexican Badgers? Well, I had muchas questions about these violent and horrific creatures. Just how sharp and enormous are their teeth? Do they make wild animal noises whilst maniacally tearing your stupid, white, touristy ass up? Do they only bite your stupid, white, touristy ass up or do they claw the shit outta it as well? Do they eat your dead carcass or leave it for the Murder Birds? (which Steve says are called Vultures and not Murder Birds cuz they don’t murder things, they just eat the result of other murders. But they’re super-gross and I still think they deserve the name Murder Birds so I’m stickin’ with it.)  These badger questions were keeping me up at night since, you know, I risked a brutal attack from them in order to feel the fresh ocean breeze on my skin while I slept. So I decided to google them and see just what kind of animal we were dealing with and just how brave I was to risk life and limb for the salty air. 
This is what my brain thought we were dealing with:
This is what we were actually dealing with:

Chance to cuddle with wild Mexican animal that obviously would not pull my hair like a big fat monkey a-hole, plus chance to save $5.00: Totally Blown. Thanks, Roberto.

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