January 23, 2011
So last week I was sitting in the office surfing the internet for photos of tiny animals and mustaches, the way middle-aged chubby guys surf for porn, when I heard something horrifying coming from the tv in the living room (which I left on so the cat would think I was in there and not follow me into the office to meow her brains out and totally ruin my will to live). Of course it was that nightmare-inducing Dr. Oz, who I used to like but never ever watch anymore because of the fact that I am a person who has very very bad luck, medically speaking, and the last thing I need is him telling me about even more freaky stuff that can happen to me and keeping me up at night all paranoid that my unborn twin is living in my lung or that I’m gonna turn into one of those tree people with the full body warts that look just like bark.
Because, you guys, someday I probably will.
And then I’ll have to be the subject of a Discovery Health Channel special called “Tale of the Tree Lady” or something like that. But if that happened to me, instead of getting all those painful surgeries to remove my wart bark, I’d probably just go with it and let kids hang swings from me and chipmunks and squirrels and birds live on me and stuff. But not crows, because me and crows, we have a history. And if there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that crows are assholes.
I was sitting at my desk completely immersed in pictures of animals dressed as humans, when all of the sudden I heard Dr. Oz say something about how it’s really quite common for someone’s uterus to just FALL OUT OF THEIR VAGINA!
So I’m sitting here in shock, trying to process what I think I just heard, and I hear a woman talking about the time she was going to the bathroom and her uterus just plopped right out and she just kinda puts it back and goes on with her life. So at this point, I’m freaking out just hearing about this, WAY more than the woman whose freakin’ uterus fell out of her vagina was freaking out when her mother effing uterus mother effing fell out of her mother effing vagina.
So I go into the living room to rewind that stuff to find out if I actually heard what I thought I heard. And guess what you guys? I did.
So I reluctantly watched it for a few minutes, but when they started talking about how your bowels can fall out of your rectum too, I was done. D. O. N. E. Done. I thought I knew a lot, you guys, but I have never heard anything like this. Sure, I’ve heard of surprise babies falling out of people when they’re going to the bathroom and stuff, but those people are obviously just (a) really stupid, and (b) really out of shape. Because believe me, when I was pregnant I knew I was pregnant. My boobs knew. My ass knew. My belly knew. My brain knew. My cankles knew. So do I fear that a baby will just suddenly come out when I’m doing a number 2? No. But thanks to Dr. Oz, do I now fear that my entire collection of internal organs will fall out of my in-between the next time I’m doing a jumping jack? Hells yeah.
Unfortunately I didn’t stick around long enough to find out why this happens, but I did hear him say that it’s probably happening to me or someone I know, and I only hope that the Universe goes with the someone I know part because I really don’t think that I could take it if this happened to me. I can handle lots of things, but having my uterus or my bowels falling out of my orifices is just not one of them.
And what is this anyway? Some really awful vaginal version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon? Is it really happening to that many people?
And since I turned off the tv, I don’t know how or if you can prevent this. And I’m too scared to even read about it. So my plan is to just do lots of kegels, always sit with my legs crossed, never go commando, and never, ever, wear skirts. Ever. Because if something is gonna go falling out of my vagina, I at least want the safety back up of pants to help keep it from doing a full-blown plop onto the ground. Which would be pretty embarrassing. As well as unsanitary. It’s probably not the best idea to get your uterus all covered with twigs and old gum if you want to put it back in there. Just guessing.
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