January 23, 2011

Warning: I’m About To Say “Vagina.” A Whole Lot. And Not In A Sexy Way.

So last week I was sitting in the office surfing the internet for photos of tiny animals and mustaches, the way middle-aged chubby guys surf for porn, when I heard something horrifying coming from the tv in the living room (which I left on so the cat would think I was in there and not follow me into the office to meow her brains out and totally ruin my will to live). Of course it was that nightmare-inducing Dr. Oz, who I used to like but never ever watch anymore because of the fact that I am a person who has very very bad luck, medically speaking, and the last thing I need is him telling me about even more freaky stuff that can happen to me and keeping me up at night all paranoid that my unborn twin is living in my lung or that I’m gonna turn into one of those tree people with the full body warts that look just like bark.

Because, you guys, someday I probably will.

And then I’ll have to be the subject of a Discovery Health Channel special called “Tale of the Tree Lady” or something like that. But if that happened to me, instead of getting all those painful surgeries to remove my wart bark, I’d probably just go with it and let kids hang swings from me and chipmunks and squirrels and birds live on me and stuff. But not crows, because me and crows, we have a history. And if there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that crows are assholes.

 But anyway, back to my story.

I was sitting at my desk completely immersed in pictures of animals dressed as humans, when all of the sudden I heard Dr. Oz say something about how it’s really quite common for someone’s uterus to just FALL OUT OF THEIR VAGINA!

So I’m sitting here in shock, trying to process what I think I just heard, and I hear a woman talking about the time she was going to the bathroom and her uterus just plopped right out and she just kinda puts it back and goes on with her life. So at this point, I’m freaking out just hearing about this, WAY more than the woman whose freakin’ uterus fell out of her vagina was freaking out when her mother effing uterus mother effing fell out of her mother effing vagina.

So I go into the living room to rewind that stuff to find out if I actually heard what I thought I heard. And guess what you guys? I did.

So I reluctantly watched it for a few minutes, but when they started talking about how your bowels can fall out of your rectum too,  I was done. D. O. N. E. Done. I thought I knew a lot, you guys, but I have never heard anything like this. Sure, I’ve heard of surprise babies falling out of people when they’re going to the bathroom and stuff, but those people are obviously just (a) really stupid, and (b) really out of shape. Because believe me, when I was pregnant I knew I was pregnant. My boobs knew. My ass knew. My belly knew. My brain knew. My cankles knew. So do I fear that a baby will just suddenly come out when I’m doing a number 2? No. But thanks to Dr. Oz, do I now fear that my entire collection of internal organs will fall out of my in-between the next time I’m doing a jumping jack? Hells yeah.

Unfortunately I didn’t stick around long enough to find out why this happens, but I did hear him say that it’s probably happening to me or someone I know, and I only hope that the Universe goes with the someone I know part because I really don’t think that I could take it if this happened to me. I can handle lots of things, but having my uterus or my bowels falling out of my orifices is just not one of them.

And what is this anyway? Some really awful vaginal version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon? Is it really happening to that many people?

And since I turned off the tv, I don’t know how or if you can prevent this. And I’m too scared to even read about it. So my plan is to just do lots of kegels, always sit with my legs crossed, never go commando, and never, ever, wear skirts. Ever. Because if something is gonna go falling out of my vagina, I at least want the safety back up of pants to help keep it from doing a full-blown plop onto the ground. Which would be pretty embarrassing. As well as unsanitary. It’s probably not the best idea to get your uterus all covered with twigs and old gum if you want to put it back in there. Just guessing.

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38 Responses to “Warning: I’m About To Say “Vagina.” A Whole Lot. And Not In A Sexy Way.”

  1. se7en Said:

    It’s a good thing you’re so incredibly funny because you would have been committed long ago.

    And I mean that in the best way possible, if that’s possible. =)

    Startling Stories

  2. pinwheelsandpoppies Said:

    I’ve been stalking you lately, and just found this one. It would make sense to be reading the posts in chronological order, but I don’t do things that make sense.
    I have the very same fear. I kid you not. Since the first time I heard about prolapse of organs, I have been extra aware of my innards, especially my low and larger-than-seems-normal-but-is-normal cervix. I swear it seems like it’s gonna poke out sometimes.
    If it does fall out, I’ll be sure to let you know what it was like so you can be totally prepared.

  3. Amelia Said:

    I know someone that this happened to, so I think I’m safe….

  4. Suburban Snapshots Said:

    I know a dog who chewed on its own boil which opened a wound that its kidney fell out of, and then the dog ate its kidney too. I’m not kidding. But does that make me safe?

  5. perkiwindy Said:

    Oh HAIL NO!

  6. Patti Ford Said:

    I really wish that was on You tube.

  7. Anonymous Said:

    Honest to God, it happened to my Grandma (not that I EVER wanted to hear the story). It’s called a prolapsed uterus. Apparently with age or lots of vigorous sex, the stuff that holds your uterus in place slackens or breaks and plop…out it comes.

    I’m going to go over here and puke now.

  8. Shawn Said:

    It happened to TWO people that I know in the last year, so I am totally, completely, 100% safe. Right? RIGHT???

  9. Maranda Said:

    HOLY SWEET VAJESUS! I hadn’t gotten back far enough to read this post.. but holy hell am I happy I did.. great way to turn my bitchy grumpy ass around.. Thanks for being as effed up as I am.

  10. Meetzar the Awesome Said:

    I’m good…donated mine to science last year. I hope they tortured the shit out of the evil thing, locked it up in a cage and fed it experimental drugs…

  11. Meetzar the Awesome Said:

    I was talking about my uterus, not my vagina by the way…

  12. Darkness Said:

    I’ll never be the same after reading this… lmfao… No, REALLY. Well, my rectum didn’t fall out… But I’m laughing pretty hard.

  13. Lara Said:

    omg – hysterical! i had the same reaction when i heard that the first time. i’m horrified.

  14. Anonymous Said:

    I just found out my MOM has this!!! Like no shit. And apparently it’s hereditary. Thanks mom. I got your weak chin and now there’s a good chance my uterus wiill fall into my vag. Awesome.

  15. Chrystal Said:

    My grandpa had his rectum fall out many years ago, rest his soul, but I have to say ever since I knew that could happen, I never drop the kids off at the pool without thinking about it.

  16. Kimberly Said:

    Speechless! How hilarious, I mean not that this can actually happen to someone, but love the way you put it.

  17. Brittany Said:

    Also, your bladder can fall out too! Its called bladder prolapse. And I have it. ITs from either having traumatic births or old age. Plus, weak tendons holding it up. I am only 24 and have two kids. So yes it could pretty much happen to anyone.
    But I didn’t and the doc thinks it is crazy because I am young. PS I love your blog!!

  18. I'll have to say I love you in a song... Said:

    back in the day, cause now i’m 31 and really old..I was a certified nursing assistant. There were little old ladies and men who had the whole prolapse thing and we were instructed just to push it right back in.

    being stupid we just did it. Because if your boss tells you to do something, you should
    but now I”ll probably need therapy bringing back that memory.
    Being a nurse, theres lots of weird shit I see.

    btw I think dr.oz is a complete asshat.

  19. jewels Said:

    my mom had it so i wont? ewwwww

  20. Lisa Pederson Said:

    I’m pretty sure it is going to happen to me, but I just want it to wait until I have insurance again, but my husband always says we are going to have kids until my uterus falls out. When it falls out, it is getting removed! I have 7 kids now. If I had insurance…………. haha, no, really, I love my kids and more would be great, but I love my life right now, so no more would be great, too.

  21. Tracy Said:

    Ha! When my daughter was about 31/2 she comes running in the kitchen crying because she heard “The Doctors” talking about this. She comes in screaming hysterically, holding her crotch, “My vagina is going to fall out! My vagina is going to fall out!!” I no longer leave that show on when she’s around.

  22. Tracy Said:

    When my daughter was 3.5 years old, she came running in the kitchen, holding her crotch and crying “My vagina is going to fall out, my vagina is going to fall out!!!” Turns out “The Doctor’s” was on and she heard them talking about Vaginal Prolapse. Try explaining to a toddler that her vagina is certainly NOT going to fall out. Well, not yet anyway. LOL!

  23. Anonymous Said:

    OMG I had no clue about any of this!!! This is why i don’t watch the news as well!! I just want to go back to being scared of spiders.

  24. Weightloss Nutjob Said:

    The rectal prolapse is far scarier than the uterine prolapse to me because I’ve been fixed. but man I love the way you write.

  25. Anonymous Said:

    I tripped over a random post and fell right into prolapsed organs..no worries tho don’t believe there yours….love laugh’n……..so thanks!!

  26. Maria Moreno Said:

    You make my day everyday because I now know that the crazy thoughts in my head are shared….love love your blog…just not falling out insides, i’m super freaked it now and afraid to pee..and I really have to pee right now…but more afraid cause I know no one this has happened to, so now i’m screwed…

  27. perkiwindy Said:

    You can have those dangly parts lobbed off, but then sex looses its luster and hurts (or so my fantastic mother in law says….). My mom has the same problem, and wears spandex under everything to hold the tired old baby machine in!

  28. Tonya Whigham Said:

    I haven’t laughed like that in a long time!!!

  29. Dru Said:

    Great… now I wont sleep for a week… Oh I am freaked… I sooo did not want to know that. lol

  30. Peggy Said:

    YIKES!! Ok,I couldn’t stand it and had to look it up. Kegel exercises should help and losing weight if you aren’t overweight. Vaginal births as well as age can lead to an uterine prolapse. If you want more… http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002477/

  31. Jennifer Said:

    <<~~~ Laughed so loudly I woke my 20 year old daughter who has not passed the stage where she totally hates any sound from me and people tell me this IS a phase and she WILL outgrow it but so far not so much. Yeah. So I woke her with the laughter... And as a nurse, I have had the unfortunate experience of "reducing the prolapse" or in layman's terms: I got to push that sucker back up in there. It happens. and YUCK. And so hells yeah do your kegals.

  32. Kristi Said:

    Happen to me… and now you know me… You’re safe.

  33. Sara Jones Said:

    God bless you!

  34. tina :) Said:

    Patti I love the way you put things. My family this.KS I’m crazy cus I’m always laughing Luke a dumb ass when I read your blogs.

  35. Vickie Said:

    Oh my gosh I am laughing so hard right now I am afraid my intestines might really fall out!(No more uterus, thanks to medical science) I got to this post by following another thread, but you totally made my day with this!!

  36. melissa Said:

    immediately started doing kegels as I read the comments. never to soon to start, apparently.

  37. Stephanie Said:

    Not the point of this post AT ALL, but crows really are assholes. A couple of summers ago we had some crows that would sit outside our bedroom window and caw at our dogs, just to watch our dogs lose. their. shit. And they KNEW that our dogs could not get to them. Assholes.

  38. Carrie Said:

    I know a woman who had her bladder fall out. Does that protect me from all this falling outness? I would seriously lose my shit! Well, I guess if it was my bowels falling out I’d lose my shit twice. How does that work?

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