January 18, 2011

Christmas 2010: The Hub Gets Murdery and My Nieces Totally Get My Vibe.

Christmas. It’s supposed to be a happy time. And I was happy. I had my wine. I had presents. Then The Hub had to go and commit attempted murder on someone I love. I think it must have been a case of jealousy. I guess The Hub knows that no matter how hard he tries, he cannot compare to Mr. Stachey:

As most of you know, I purchased Mr. Stachey when I was visiting my sister last November (read about it here if you missed it). And from the moment I saw him, he was the love of my life. I couldn’t wait to take him home to live with me, but unfortunately the airlines won’t let you travel with snow globes because they think snow globe owners might be terrorists who are sneaking flammable plane exploding liquids on board, when in all actuality most snow globe owners are usually 8-year-old girls or middle-aged single ladies with cat hoarding problems. And very rarely snow globe owners are really cool blonde girls who have weird mustache fetishes. But I must admit that although I can’t see how a Santa Claus snowglobe being carried by an 8-year-old girl looks terroristy, I can see how it’s possible that Mr. Stachey might look suspicious. Facial hair always looks suspicious. That is part of it’s lure. The danger of the ‘stache. So anyway, I had to leave Mr. S. with my sister and pick him up when I was there over Christmas, with my own wheels instead of flying. So Mr. S. was our midwest traveling companion. At least until December 21st, when The Hubtried to murder him by leaving him in the car. In 11 degree temperatures. Which is below freezing, you guys. So a few days later, guess what we discovered? A frozen solid Mr. Stachey. I was horrified and almost kicked The Hub’s ass while he blamed me for the whole incident, because he’s manipulative and sneaky like that. But I didn’t fall for it. I would never put Mr. S. in danger. We are in love! I knew there was hope for Mr. Stachey, because I’ve seen “Encino Man,” a movie in which Brendan Frasier was a caveman who was frozen in ice but was perfectly fine once he thawed out, like a gazillion years later. These things happen. It’s just Science. So we thawed him out, which seemed to be working, then The Hub removed the glass, which is like Mr. Stachey’s space helmet. So obviously although The Hub missed “Encino Man”  he must have seen “Mission To Mars” in which astronaut Tim Robbins removes his space helmet and totally dies. So probably when he realized the freezing didn’t work, he was trying to find a back-up murder plan and he obviously figured that exposing Mr. Stachey to a strange atmosphere was the way to go. Unfortunately for The Hub, he greatly underestimated the depth of our love as well as Mr. Stachey’s ability to tolerate oxygen, and was no doubt disappointed when Mr. S. pulled through like a champ. So now Mr. Stachey is back in TX, on my bookshelf looking healthy and handsome, and reminding The Hub every day that he kinda sucks at both murder and Science. After that crisis was averted, things were pretty good. We had Christmas day at my in-laws, where I discovered that my adorable nieces, Kaitie and Jillian, have maybe just a little bit too much information about me. Their mother took them to the Dollar Store and set them loose to purchase gifts for people. On their own. No input from her. At all. And this is what they chose for me:

Me, Niece 1 and the mustache/nose/glasses she chose.  And me and Niece 2, with the Wine Bag she chose.

Then we posed for pictures, and I later realized that I may have a small posing for family pictures problem:

First attempt at family photo.                                                   Second attempt at family photo.

Then on to The Hub’s Aunt and Uncle’s house for another Christmas and another attempt at photos:

First attempt at photo.                                         Second attempt at photo.
Are we sensing a pattern here? Maybe I’m goofy and a bit hyper sometimes, but I calmed down when I met Lucy:
And this is what The Universe should have given me instead of my whiney cat. Or what The Hub would have given me if he actually cared about me. Well, Lucy plus 2 finger monkeys, plus the cruisin’ cooler, plus the giant cat from Kansas City, plus the whole not trying to murder Mr. Stachey thing, plus a time machine, plus this pig:

I really don’t think I’m asking for much.

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9 Responses to “Christmas 2010: The Hub Gets Murdery and My Nieces Totally Get My Vibe.”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    I’m very glad Mr. Satchey pulled through! What a scary time…

    Also, just FYI, Pauly Shore FOUND Encino Man (played by Brendan Frazer). We won’t talk about how I know that

    Ash Reina

  2. Patti Ford Said:

    Thank you, Ashley! I am actually happy that I didn’t have all the particulars down on Encino Man. That proves that it is possible for my brain to forget some things. Whew!

  3. Anonymous Said:

    Fun fact: Corbin Bernson (yes, Arnie on LA Law) has the world’s largest snow globe collection? Kind of weird hobby for a macho actor.

  4. Patti Ford Said:

    How do you even know that, anonymous?

  5. Anonymous Said:

    There is a great book called One Red Paperclip. Anyway, this guy has no job, no money, nothing going on (and he’s Canadian) and a red paperclip. He trades the paperclip on the internet for I think a fish pen. He trades the pen for something else, up through a beer keg and neon sign, a snowmobile (very handy in Canada) and a bunch of different things – including a day with Alice Cooper! Anyway, the gist of the story isn’t just making a better trade each time, but the people he meets and the experiences he has trading his way to his goal of a house. I won’t tell you how it ends but there is a snow globe trade!

    I looked up the web link: http://oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com/

    The book was a fun read, look for it.

    PS – I love your blog. It cracks me up every time I read it and I look forward to each blog.

    Lisa (anonymous)

  6. Anonymous Said:

    OK, check this out (ain’t the internet great?)


    It was a KISS snow globe. He owns 7000+ snow globes. He might be interested in your snow globe – not that you would ever part with it, but if the price is right…


  7. Patti Ford Said:

    Well, Anonymous Lisa, thank you for the info. This is just the kind of random crap I love, and now I totally want to start trading stuff until I get to get a Time Machine. Genius! Thanks again.

  8. fdc15ce0-2834-11e1-9343-000bcdcb8a73 Said:

    I know this is an old blog, Patti… And I don’t know if you get updates of comments… But your blogs are wonderful AND i just downloaded One Red Paperclip to my Kindle App on my iPad. Read 3 pages before coming back here… Looks like a cool book.


  9. dale:) Said:

    where can i get the boots for my pig? too funny:) blog on lovem:)

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