December 1, 2010

Oprah Can Totally Suck It

Oprah. Where do I even start? I used to love her. Not in a lesbian way or anything, just in a she’s really great and nice and seems to really care about people way. I even went to her show once and made all the facial expressions they tell you to make if you want to get on tv. I was concerned. I was shocked. I was dismayed. I got my 15 seconds of fame on tv for basically whoring myself out. Because in all reality I wasn’t concerned, shocked, or dismayed. At all. I was bored. And I was acting. But the producers bought it and I got my screen time. So I guess that means I am an amazing actress. Probably better than Oprah. I could have totally played Sophia in The Color Purple. And if only the Emmy’s had a category for most concerned audience member….that little gold man would be on my bookshelf right now.  Next to Mr. Stachey the Snow globe and my flying pig. But life isn’t fair, people.  I got screwed and Oprah has a bazillion dollars.

Last season was when she really started getting on my bad side. She told everyone to stop talking on their cell phones when they were driving. Like her. A woman who has a chauffeur. And minions to make all her calls for her. Then she had a few interviews where she told the movie star how awesome their new film was when in all reality it blew super chunks. And you know she thought so too. And she was obviously lying. Which is totally lame. If I had a show I would be like “Julia, you’re cool and everything. And I like the fact that you tiled your own kitchen and you’re all earthy and real and stuff. But you know what? That movie sucked balls. Saggy old man balls. And I know you know it. So enough with the bullshit.” I think that not only would the viewers appreciate this approach, but the actor’s would get a little reality check. Which they need.

Anyway, Oprah just did her Favorite Things show. Two of them. And I got annoyed this year because (a) Everything costs too much for regular people to buy, (b) She screams alot, and (c) The audience members act like idiots. You know, if someone gives me a car, yeah, I’m gonna freak out a little bit. But if someone gives me Sparkle Uggs? I’m gonna vomit a little in my mouth. She gave them chicken pot pie and they acted like she’d just handed them a million dollars. It’s a freakin’ chicken pie, you guys. Chicken has no business being in a pie. And if it’s something that you can get at Kroger, it’s not worth crying about on national television. And she gave them bras. Which is kinda personal. And strange. But if she just had to give bras I wish she’d given them out at the beginning of the show so that the ladies coulda had some extra support before they were televised jumping up and down like maniacs. At this point I have no doubts that she could give them crap on a stick or dead kittens and they’d still go nuts. Dead kittens? Well, if Oprah likes them, they must be amazing!

Since Oprah’s favorite things annoyed me, I have decided to do my own. And since I didn’t get that Emmy and I don’t own an Empire, I am not giving you guys these things. I’m just showing them to you. So PLEASE don’t start jumping and crying and making a fool outta yourselves. But if you do, video tape it for me. Please.  And put on a sports bra first.

Patti’s Super Awesomer Favorite Things

Humunga Stache. It. Is. Awesome. I don’t own a dog but I’m considering buying one just so I can have him wear the stache. It has a rubber ball on the end so the dog will carry it around and look like an old timey store clerk. Who can’t really sell any provisions or anything. Because, you know, he’s a canine. And canine’s can’t talk. Or count money. But they can look fancy. Genius.



Ninjabread Men. Why did it take so long for someone to come up with this? Seriously. Aren’t we all sick of those boring old gingerbread men? Those guys can suck it. Put some of them in a cookie jar with these Ninjabread Men and see who comes out in one piece.


Beer Belt. I’m crying a little. From sheer happiness. Nothing more to say.


Stache Anything. Lloyd Dobbler + mustache = a happy me. Year: 1989. Llyod Dobbler shows up at my house with boom box playing “In Your Eyes.” I would kiss him. Hug him. Be flattered and all that girlie crap. Lloyd Dobbler shows up at my house with giant stache? Dry hump city.

Anti-Theft Baggies. Bully stealing your kids lunch? Co-worker who raids the break room fridge? Thwart them all with this baggie with strategically placed fake mold. Keep that bologna for yourself. Those a-holes can starve.


Creepy Porcelain Dolls. My friend Trish Bower brought these into my life. I can’t even put into words how wrong yet so right these are. Who made these and why? I have no answers for you. But I kinda love them just a little bit.


Bacon Flavored Envelopes. Like paying bills doesn’t suck enough. You also have to lick that horrible envelope glue which makes the chore suck even harder. Not anymore! Now you can pay your bills and get the awesome taste of bacon at the same time. This rocks. Hard.


Alien Abduction Lamp. Freaking awesome.


Happy Hippos. The most delicious PMS treat EVER. And the nutrition label is written in another language so you don’t even have to know how bad the fat and calories are! They may be fat free for all I know. My only issue with these is that they are in the shape of hippos. Which is not super great for your self esteem when you have pre-menstrual weight gain. But they’re so good I don’t even care. Just bite that fat hippo’s head off and enjoy.


Twin Peaks Mouse Pad. My friend, who chooses to remain nameless, just gave this to me. Literally 10 minutes ago. Her husband recently brought it home and she said “Patti has to have this.” What does this say about me? She’s too embarrassed to be mentioned in conjunction with this amazing item. And I am the first person one thinks of when they think “Who would enjoy this?” Well, I’m in no way ashamed of the fact that I think this is super-duper amazing. Hooray for you, Twin Peaks Restaurants. Hooray for you.

Polka Dot and Striped Rhinoceros Head. I couldn’t find a photo but I saw it at Houston’s annual Nutcracker Market and I need it. It was $250.00 of pure awesome. I would call her Henrietta Van Hooverstein. Her horn would hold my robe. We would be happy together.

Between two Ferns.
I could marry this show, get knocked up by it, and birth a hundred awesome little baby shows.
Best Sean Penn Interview EVER (Yes, EVER)
Ditto Bruce Willis (Oprah can totally suck Zach Galifianakis’s balls)


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9 Responses to “Oprah Can Totally Suck It”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    I don’t want the damn Hippos, I want the Beer Belt!!
    Nancie

  2. Anonymous Said:

    I think I need one of them there Beer Belts too! Awesome! You should bring Hippos to family Christmas!

    My mother in law gave me a bra one year for Christmas (this was before she was even my mother in law) very awkward. I’m thinking this is about how it would feel to get one from Oprah!
    ~Mindy

  3. Becky 'hippo hips' Mattson Said:

    Would love me some fat free hippos with my diet coke! Oh..and i hate Oprah too! Bec

  4. Patti Ford Said:

    Nancie, saying damn will get you nowhere. I really don’t approve of cursing. I find it vulgar and unladylike. And if you’re not happy with the prize, suck my balls. The beer belt is all mine.

  5. Jenny Ruchhoeft Said:

    I think I’ve had those and they are AWESOME! Me likey choco hippos! I do have a hilarious pic or two (or eight) of one of my sons being a complete goofball with a fruit smoothie ‘stache. Once I get my arse better organized, I’ll send them to you. xoxo-J.BIFF

  6. se7en Said:

    If Kanye had read this post he would have interupted Taylor with “Let’s not forget that Patti wrote the greatest post of ALL TIME!!”

    And we would still hate his guts for it but maybe not as much.

  7. Gina Said:

    My husband is devastated by the ‘ninjabread men’, he painstakingly decorated half of my gingerbread men last year with ninja swords and eye masks. He thought he was the only one to EVER come up with the idea…poor guy. Lmao!

  8. Anonymous Said:

    The hippo chocolate goodness is from Germany! I gained sooo much weight from eating candy from Kinder!!

  9. Paula Williams Said:

    I also think Oprah sucks. When I went to her show in 1989, I was offended by the metal detector and the way she read the entire show off the teleprompter.

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