December 24, 2010

How To Be Jolly (Corkscrew Required)

As you can all tell from the picture, I am in Missouri for Christmas. Spending quality time with the family, and super-duper-quality time with my wine. This year the Christmas Angels gave me a gift, and that gift was the knowledge that wine is the key to a merry holiday season. Night one at my mom’s house = 2 bottles. When we got to the in-laws house I made a wine run and got 6. The amount of empty bottles is directly proportionate to how well I am handling all of this togetherness. I love my family, but I love them even more when their edges are blurry. And I say that in a very jolly and Christamassy voice. Ho ho ho.

Since Christmas is a time when I am either buzzed or dealing with family members all up in my grill, it is not really a great time for me to write a blog. You know, since I like to make sure that I am in tip top shape, i.e. have all my wits about me so I can be politically correct, non-foul-languagy and really appropriate with my blogging. No matter how much fun you guys might think it would be for me to write you a blog after a bottle of wine, it would undoubtedly cause me nothing but problems. And people might not give me gifts if I piss them off. And I really, really, really like gifts.

So since I don’t have much to write at the moment (obviously), I will just share a few Awesome Holiday Must-Haves with you instead:

There’s a song on this album called “Deck My Balls.” I’m sure there is someone on your xmas list who needs the heck outta this. And if there is, I’d probably keep an eye on them around all of your expensive gifts. And maybe lock up your medicine and liquor cabinets.
These people obviously agree with me about how to make it through the Holidays. Money tight this year? Can’t afford gifts for the family, a tree, AND the necessary alcohol to make it through the season without losing your mind? Get a twofer with the Beer Bottle Tree. Due to the fact that you’ll be drunk off your butt by the time you get enough bottles to make the big ass tree that your family demands, you won’t be able to stack them without major breakage, so give that task to the kiddos. You can have an assembly line of chugging and stacking. Turn on some holiday music and you’re good to go. 
Sometimes I get so discombobulated during the holidays that I lose track of my menses. NOw I shall never again worry if Aunt Flo shows up unannounced, because I’ll be wearing Maxi Pad Christmas Slippers. If Shark Week suddenly hits, BOOM, stick your shoe in our underpants and you’re good as new. It’s the perfect last minute gift for all the pre-menopausal women in your life. It will make memories that last forever. 
Babies are boring. And if all they’re gonna do is sit there, you might as well use them as a Christmas conversation piece. If they already know how to walk and/or crawl, this will basically act as a festive holiday baby straightjacket and keep them safely in one spot so you can have the freedom to do what you please and really get your drink on. If I could find one big enough for The Boy I would buy it right now. And I would probably get a spare to keep with me in case any other family member is getting on my nerves.


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One Response to “How To Be Jolly (Corkscrew Required)”

  1. By: Missy J Said:

    Bottle tree = happy me

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