November 9, 2010
It’s Like Angels Singing. If The Angels Were Totally Untalented Ex-Cult Members With Stockholm Syndrome.
Watch this video:
Did you watch it? Don’t lie to me. Seriously. I will spork you in the ovarnads. Plus, you won’t know wtf I’m talking about unless you watch it first. DO IT!
Okay. Now is where I just decide to trust you guys. Here we go…
First of all let me say that I now know there is a God and a Heaven because this was obviously sent to us from Angels, who sent it to my friend Jenny Ruchhoeft, who sent it to me and is now my most favoritest person in the universe (aside from the inventor of my mustache snowglobe). But although I love this video with a love like no other, I must point out a few things that I find aweomely-disturbingly-creepily-amazing.
– “He taught me how to praise my God and still play rock and roll.”
No. No, he didn’t. This is not anything that even slightly resembles rock and roll. Awesome? Yes. Rock and Roll? Nope.
– “Once I tried to run and hide. Jesus came and found me and he touched me down inside.”
I’m sorry, but this sounds like something a kidnap/molestation victim says on the witness stand. I have a bit of advice for you, Jesus. If someone is running and hiding from you, maybe don’t chase them. And if you do, then certainly don’t touch them down inside when you catch them. There are, like, all kinds of laws against that. Plus it’s just gross.
– “He’s like a Mountie, he always gets his man. And he’ll zap you any way he can.”
Ok. So maybe if some dude who looks like Jesus is chasing you, and you try to run and hide, you’d better either be really fast or a really good hider, because obviously this Jesus has a cattle prod or something like that air gun that scary dude in “No Country For old Men” had, and he’s gonna zap the shit out of you with it so he can touch you down inside. Or maybe this Jesus is a wizard. Like Harry Potter. If Harry Potter was listed in the Sex Offenders Registry. And wore sandals.
– The guitarist isn’t wearing shoes.
I’m pretty sure that when Jesus caught him he took them so he couldn’t run away anymore. I think I saw that in a kidnapper movie once.
– There is a mysteriously pointless grand piano is this video.
For no reason. Maybe the director thought it added a certain gravitas to the whole production or something. But no one is playing it. It’s just sitting there looking stupid, which distracts from all of the other things that look stupid. They really shoulda had someone dressed as Jesus playing it. Wearing a Mountie hat. That would have been amazing.
– “He’ll love me when I’m perfect, If I ever get that way.”
Dude…I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one.
– There’s a whole lotta virginity going on up in there.
Unless I see videographic proof that any of these people have ever gotten laid, I won’t believe it. And if anyone takes me literally and tries to show me videographic proof of any of these people actually getting laid, I will cut you. But I’m sticking with my assumption that they are all mega-virginal and have never even come close to gettin’ down with another person. Unless you count being involved in some weird-ass relationship with a really, really, handsy Jesus as gettin’ down. Which I guess I probably would.
– I’d like to point out that the name of this group is “Sonseed.”
I have many inappropriate things to say here, but sometimes my mother-in-law reads this, so I’m just gonna let you make up your own.
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