November 24, 2010

Airport Rub-Downs: Consider It An Early Christmas Present.

Well, it’s that time of year again when I am supposed to say what I am thankful for.  Last year I had a long list of things to share with you guys, but this year I have only one: I’m thankful that I don’t have to fly. Like, super-duper-doing-a-happy-dance-thankful.

Unless you’ve been in a coma, you’ve seen the endless crap on the news about the airport body scans and pat-downs, and you know how pissed off people are getting about it. Well, I’m pissed off too! But I’m not pissed off about the pat-downs and scans, I’m pissed off at all the losers who are whining about it. (By the way, if you were in a coma, that totally sucks, and this blog should catch you up on everything TSA-related. And even though I don’t know you, I’m really thankful that you’re awake. So congrats on that!)

So anyway, the first thing that all these jackholes are pissed off about, are those x-ray scanner thingies that some of the airports have now. It seems that people are all worked up because these machines show an outline of your private areas. You know, weiners and boobs. Since I am nothing if not a seriously thorough investigative reporter, I looked up some of these x-ray photos on the internet, and my finding was this:  They make you look like either a mega cool robot or a frumpy albino. It really just depends on what you’re giving them to work with.

Example:

These 2 people are in really good shape, which = mega cool robots.
These 2 people aren’t quite as svelt, which = more of a frumpy albino. And also, they are carrying inappropriate travel items, i.e. creepy things and murdery types of weapons. I’m pretty sure the lady has a banana in her waistband. Or a vibrator. And the guy has some kind of parrot or something on his shoulder. Probably a trained parrot assassin. So, you know, thank goodness for these scanners. Otherwise some unsuspecting granny on a SWA flight to Boca would be getting her eyeball stolen by a mother effing parrot, and some albino lady in the seat next to you would be getting down under her blanket with her vibrator/banana.

I don’t really see the big deal here, people. So these scanners can see your privates. Guess what they can also see? Weapons hidden inside or around peoples privates. Yeah, it happens. Sure, maybe if you’re self-conscious about your beer belly or your muffin top, or it’s that time of the month and you don’t want everyone seeing your maxi-pad with wings, these scans can suck. But you know what else sucks? Sitting on a plane next to a douchebag with a bomb in his underwear. That sucks hard you guys. 
And if you’re really super shy about these scanner techs seeing your in-betweens, you can always buy these x-ray proof underwear to hide your bits and pieces:
But they’ll probably think you’re hiding a gun behind that fig leaf, so prepare yourself for a stage 2 cavity search. Which you totally deserve, by the way, for being such a self-conscious wanker.

The other thing that everyone is fired up about is the security pat-down. I read an article online in which a woman was quoted as saying that buying an airline ticket doesn’t give a stranger the right to rub her private parts. She also compared the pat-down to being raped. This woman is obviously an asshole. 
First of all lady, it’s not like some dude’s jumping out of a dark alleyway and searching your crotch for weapons. This is airport security. They are trying to protect us. Before they send us hurtling through the sky in a tiny plane with no cops and a few hundred cranky strangers. And I haven’t seen you, but I am betting that the TSA employees of the world aren’t laying awake at night hoping that they get to give you a rub down. This is their job, and I doubt they’re gonna be picturing your bitchy face that night when they rub one out.
And I’m sorry, but from what I’ve seen on the news, most of these travelers look like they could use a little feely-feely. People get cranky during the holidays, and I think that stress levels could be lowered immensely if these fuddy duddies would just let their junk get rubbed.  Charlie Sheen pays people, like, thousands of dollars to rub his junk. You can get it done for free. And totally legally. And your spouse can’t even call it cheating. For crying out loud, just go with it! Get your rocks off and be thankful that a hand besides your own is feeling you up for once. Geesh!
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One Response to “Airport Rub-Downs: Consider It An Early Christmas Present.”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    🙂 Maybe if they put some Barry White on and poured some wine…

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