October 25, 2010

My Cat. Who’s Actually Supposed To Be The Boy’s Cat, But Yeah…You Know How That Turned Out

If my cat was a movie character she’d be Jennifer Jason Leigh to my Bridgette Fonda in Single White Female because she’s totally obsessed with me.

If my cat was a frog she’d be that annoying tree frog that was in the bush outside our bedroom window and made really loud croaky sounds all night.

If my cat was a man she’d be that stalker guy in college who followed me around all the time and stared at me.

If my cat had a job she would be a manicurist because she is obsessed with emery boards and I can’t understand what she’s saying.

If my cat was an alien she’d be way more like Alf than ET because ET was bald and pretty chill and would lay around in a bathrobe drinking beer and watching tv and eating candy and stuff, whereas ALF was always talking, talking, talking and being really annoying and furry.

If my cat was a car she’d be a smart car because she’s really tiny. Unless Smart Cars are hybrids because my cat’s motor is really loud and I know hybrids are quiet.

If my cat was a mouse she’d be one of those mice that scientists use to grow people new noses if they’ve accidentally lost theirs.

If my cat was an item of clothing she would be a hat because she likes to lay on top of my head.

If my cat was a serial killer she would murder her victims by suffocation because sometimes when I wake up at night she is covering my mouth with her paw and I’m pretty sure she’s trying to kill me.

If my cat was a toddler she would not be the kind who needs to wear a leash because there’s no way in hell she would ever wander away from me.

If my cat was a stoner, she’s be more like Harold and Kumar than like Jeff Spicoli because all she thinks about is food and how to get it.

If my cat was a ghost she’d be the kind that opens doors and cabinets all the time and makes you think you’re going crazy.

If my cat had a phobia it would not be laliophobia (fear of talking).

If my cat was a Dr. then she would be a Plastic Surgeon because she’s always poking on my nose and my boobs and I’m pretty sure she’s trying to tell me I need to get them done.

If my cat was an American Idol judge she’d be a mixture of Simon and Paula, because every time I sing or dance she looks at me like I’m a moron and then says lots of things I don’t really understand.

If my cat was a cartoon character she would be Caillou because she whines. Alot.

If my cat was an Indian her name would be Likes To Watch You Pee.

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