October 5, 2010

From Now on Every Title Will Have The Phrase “Suck My Balls” In It (Sorry, Mom)

So you know how every so often something really amazing happens? Like one of those miracles where Jesus appears on a piece of toast or something huge like that? And it totally freaks everyone out because they’re all like “What? Jesus is on some toasted Wonder Bread? JESUS? As in The Son Of God? Hallelujah! It’s a freakin’ miracle!” And then whoever was lucky enough to have had a hankering for toast that morning and ended up with a Jesus face on it gets to be interviewed by papers and TV news and stuff and then they paint the toast with shellac and sell it on Ebay to some weird hoarder with disposable income for like $50.000? Well, you guys. Something even more amazing than that has happened: My blog just had its 1 year anniversary! Yes, it’s true. I have been writing stupid things on here for 12 months and you guys have been reading all of them. I honestly don’t know which is the bigger miracle: That I’ve been thinking of stuff to say for a year or that people have been bored enough to read it. Either way, since I thought I’d run out of things to say after about 3 months, this is pretty shocking to me. 

So I want to take this time to say Thank You again to all of you guys for reading my really stupid posts, and for sending me really nice email, and for referring me to your friends instead of being embarrassed to admit you’re a reader. I also love it when you guys friend me on Facebook because it helps me put faces to the names on my subscriber list, and I like getting to know you. If you’re on FB and we aren’t friends yet, click the FB button on the front page of my blog and send me a friend request, but don’t forget to tell me you’re a reader because I don’t just accept people willy nilly. If I did I would have taken that guy who I’m 99% sure was a 70’s porn star and that girl who was only wearing a bra. But I declined their friend requests because regardless of what you’ve heard, I do sometimes have standards people. 

So to celebrate my one year Blogaversary, I want to share this thing I discovered last week that lets me track different stats about my blog, because I found a few interesting things.

People are accidentally finding my blog by typing the following phrases into google:

Moms own my balls
Insane suck
Ballerina tapeworm
Loves to suck balls
Paper gown gyno
Mom’s who wear fanny packs
Friend Crystal tube porn
Ethan Iceberg Furniture
(And a few dirtier things I won’t put up here. See Steve? I do have a filter.)

People in the following places read my blog:

Indonesia, Australia, Italy, Malaysia, Thailand, Finland, Belgium Vietnam, Brazil, China, The Netherlands, Germany, United Arab Emirates, Luxembourg, Denmark, Canada and USA. (I found no stats about Mars or any other alien-infested planet reading my blog, but I choose to believe that it’s due to the fact that blogger doesn’t have the capability to trace my alien readers, and not because they’re not reading. I have a feeling they are my highest demographic.)

“Eat Pray Love Can Suck My Balls” has been the most viewed blog I’ve ever written. It has been read 75% more than the second place entry, “It’s Raining. My Tan Is Fading. My Kid Is Barfy. I Am Annoyed. (Shit List Volume 2)” I’m pretty sure it’s because the phrase “suck my balls” is in the title and people on the internet thought it was porn, but I’ll take any audience I can get.

Anyway, Thanks Again to all of you guys for reading. Sometime in the next few weeks I will have a slightly new blog design thanks to a really nice photographer and a really nice Graphic Designer who are helping me out FOR FREE even though I offered to pay them. Which is weird, because when people offer to pay me for something I always say yes. I’ve seen enough Lifetime movies with Tori Spelling and Valerie Bertinelli in them to know that both of these people are probably expecting some kind of sexual favors as payment or something, but I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

If any of you want to take me to dinner or send me gifts or anything in celebration of this momentous occasion, please feel free to do so. It’s not like my blog went to the mall and got me a nice bracelet or bottle of perfume or anything. Although if it wanted to it could have ordered me something off of Amazon because it is a computery programmy internetty magical electronic thingy and I’m pretty sure that all those things have brains of their own and can communicate with eachother and you can’t tell me that they all don’t know who Amazon is because Amazon is a big deal. But since the UPS man hasn’t stopped by I guess I got screwed. Well, maybe if I make it to a anniversary number two I will get something. One can always dream.


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3 Responses to “From Now on Every Title Will Have The Phrase “Suck My Balls” In It (Sorry, Mom)”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    Congratulations! I still look forward to my little slices of Patti-isms and observations from Patti-world.

    I think Steve should take you out for a nice wine dinner in celebration of you having all of us to eagerly listen to your innermost thoughts…

    Thanks – and keep typing…

  2. Patti Ford Said:

    No…Thank YOU for being interested.

    xo Patti

  3. Lesley Said:

    If you go on a wine dinner-Can I come? I’m an awesome third wheeler! 🙂

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