October 11, 2010

Conversations With The Hub (He wonders how he puts up with me and I wonder how I put up with him)

Sunny Friday. Windows down. The Hub driving. Me in the passenger seat.

Me:  Mother frick! There’s something on me! It’s a bug! Help! Help! Get it offa me! Get it! Get it! GET IT!
The Hub:  Calm down. (Swats at it)
Me:  What the hell? What did you do?
The Hub:  I got it off of you.
Me:  You swatted it down. YOU SWATTED IT DOWN! You’re supposed to grab and remove. GRAB AND REMOVE! You just sent it to another part of my body! Where is it? Oh my God…I feel something in my pit. THERE’S SOMETHING MOVING IN MY LEFT PIT! ALL YOU DID WAS RELOCATE IT TO MY ARMPIT! Do you see it? Do you see it?
The Hub:  It’s not in your armpit.
Me:  HOW DO YOU KNOW? YOU’RE NOT EVEN LOOKING! I CAN FEEL IT MOVING!! I THINK IT’S STUCK IN MY DEODORANT! I GOT A NEW BRAND OF DEODORANT AND IT’S FREAKIN’ STICKY!!
The Hub: (Rolls eyes. Slaps his right arm.)
Me:  What was that? Why’d you slap yourself?
The Hub:  The bug was on me. (Pretends to throw something out of the window)
Me:  What was that? What’d you just do?
The Hub: It was the bug.
Me:  What? You should have shown me the carcass. I HAVE TO SEE A CARCASS! You know that without a carcass I don’t believe you even a little bit.
The Hub:  What?
Me:  You faked that whole thing just to shut me up. YOU KNOW ME! You KNOW I always have to see a carcass as proof. There was no carcass. I’m SO on to you.
The Hub:  Sigh…
Sunday afternoon. Me sitting at table. The Hub enters.
The Hub: Have you seen that keychain that has a connector in the middle so you can take it apart and make it into 2 keychains?
Me: I don’t think so. All the keychains are in the junk drawer. Did you look in there? I don’t remember seeing one like that. When did you see it last?
The Hub: Well, I got it when I lived in the mushroom apartments.
Me: Your apartment in college.
The Hub: Yes.
Me: In 1989.
The Hub: Yes.
Me: Well, I haven’t seen it. It’s probably wherever my Aqua net, neon headband collection and Poison tapes are. Have you looked there?
Monday. Evening. Driving home from PF Changs. Steve driving. Me in Passenger seat…
Me: Man, I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and not eat so much Changs.
The Hub: (Silence)
Me: And then I’d go back and make out with young Elvis.
The Hub: (Silence)
Me: And then probably go kill Hitler.
The Hub: (Completely ignores me)
Me:  I’m so gonna build a freakin’ time machine.
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