September 15, 2010

Random Thoughts (AKA: I just discovered a link to all my past Facebook status updates & since I am lazy I am trying to pass some of them off as a blog)

I would totally rather discover you have an S&M room than a Precious Moments one.  It would scare me less.

Having one of your lawn guys see you nude is such a  great way to start your day. Just FYI.

Footloose is on. Bacon’s giving his speech about dancing to the churchy people. Man. He’s so smart about crops & celebrations & history & stuff. And he has such spiky hair. And that skinny tie is like Windsor-knotted sex appeal. Dance, Bacon! DANCE! 

I have cramps that could kill a horse. To all my male FB friends: you dudes are so friggin’ lucky. Well, aside from that whole losing the hair on your head yet growing it outta your ears and noses business. Plus that whole having a wiener situation. Those things just seem annoying.

Pistachio’s in the shell are DELICIOUS, but I have to assume that I am eating them with just a bit too much wild abandon when I later find a runaway shell in my underwear.

Reasons men are gross #152:  I was doing laundry tonight when I pulled from the hamper a pair of my husband’s underwear that were ripped up in a way that is difficult to describe except to say that they looked like he had been attacked by a gay lion.

What I learned from Matt Lauer this morning: Due to the popularity of Facebook, I can never have more than one husband at a time because I’ll probably end up getting busted. Damn. There goes my dream of having more than one man not help me around the house & bitch at me about my spending habits.

FYI:  Don’t try to put on jeans immediately following the application of thick lotion on your legs, because your jeans will get stuck halfway up and believe it or not, when you walk around the house like that your husband may not find it sexy.

If your child gets excited to see their Granny, don’t let them type into the computer unless you want their perception of Granny’s forever changed.

Dear iPhone predictive text, It was funny when you said I was having an orgy instead of an orange. It was a little funny when you said I was feeling dick instead of feeling sick. But I am getting tired of you now. I am getting a mani/pedi tomorrow, NOT a man/penis. Why do you make me sound like such a whore?

Why are guys who drive Porche’s such douchebags? 

I woke up at 5:55 this morning, positive that I heard an asthmatic burgular who had taken a break from robbing me blind, to gargle and play a solo game of Yahtzee.  I crept out of bed ready to put my mad street fighting skilz to the test, and discovered that I wasn’t being burgled.  It was just a combo of my coffee maker brewing, and my new fridge making ice.  And I was so ready to rumble!

Dear Mother Nature, Could you please stop making those freaky bell peppers that have a mini bell pepper/siamese twin/baby inside?  It gives me the creeps when I slice one open and find that mini-me in there.

It’s EXTREMELY annoying when I’m in a chatty, & if I do say so myself, witty mood and there’s nobody around to talk to! When Steve came home super early a few minutes ago I was sooooo excited to tell him about a few GENIUS ideas I had today, but obviously he wasn’t quite as excited to listen. I think I need a new husband. I’ve obviously worn this one out.

Dear Guacamole, If Science can find a way to somehow combine you with The awesome DNA of Paul Rudd then I have found my most perfect thing in the world. GuacaPaulie. He can look adorable, be funny, I can dip my chips in him & he’ll go great with beer. HEAVEN! 

 I had a text conversation w/ my friend Jeanette trying to invite her to bunco, during which she was being a total bitch & I was all “Why are you being a total bitch?” & she was all “Who do you think this is?” & I’m all “Jeanette” & she’s all “You have the wrong number. This is Michael & I don’t know you” and I’m like “Well, whoever you are do you wanna come to bunco?” & he’s all “Please delete my number”

After finding some runaway fried chicken in my bra, I decided that maybe chicken in the bra would be better at attracting men than flowery perfume. Girl breasts AND fried chicken breasts in the same place? What man could resist? If I can just invent a bra that can hold cold beer I will be ready for my patent.

This morning I punched my house alarm code  into the microwave instead of the alarm pad,  I put my fresh cup of coffee in the refrigerator, & since I couldn’t remember the word “strawberries” i referred to them as “big red berries”.  I  think I need more sleep.

I sure wish Willis had told Arnold what he was talkin’ ’bout. Now it’s too late.

It sounds weird, but there is a bird in my back yard saying my name.  I swear it’s true.  I haven’t even had a beer yet.

You know you had a great night when someone says to you the next day “Hey, remember when you were talking to that drag queen in the red jumpsuit last night?”

When I got out of the shower this morning I stuck a Q-Tip in my eye.  On purpose.  Because I thought it was my ear.

2 things I’ve learned today: #1-When your Physical Therapist has you walk backwards on the treadmill don’t get cocky w/ your bad self & speed it up. #2-When your PT has you scissor him, he may not think you’re as adorably funny as you find yourself when you ask him if that’s a real exercise or if he’s just trying to get lucky.

I am laying out by my pool and I hear a large group of people yelling, whistling and cheering.  I don’t know where it’s coming from, but I am going to pretend it’s all for me.

Does anyone else find black toilets to be creepy?

Dear Houston Humidity, Why do you insist on making me look like an a-hole? Maybe some girls can pull off frizzy hair and greasy skin, but I’m not one of them. If you weren’t invisible water vapor I would so kick your ass. xxxooo Patti

If there was really a Funkytown I would totally move there.

Here in Houston, Tom Delay is auctioning off a dance (w/ him) for charity.  The advertisements specify that he will only take bids from females.  Dear Tom, As a woman who knows her gays, I feel pretty confident telling you that you are not a gay sex symbol, & I highly doubt that you would have had an issue. As a matter of fact, good luck getting a female under 80 who still has her eyesight & full use of her bladder.

Sign of the Apocolypse #12,384:  Amy WInehouse is designing her own clothing, accessories and makeup line.  This is great news, because not a day goes by where I don’t think “Man, I look okay…But if only I could look just a little more meth addict-y and Syphilis-y I would really have that extra confidence I need to go out into the world and have a great day!”

There’s an airline charging passengers to use the bathroom. Since I would rather try to pee in my mini tequila bottle than use the toilet, that’s fine w/me.  But after walking in on the fat naked man taking a poo that time, I hope they spend some money on automatic locks.

SIgn #147 that you’ve had too much Benadryl & it’s time to go to bed:  You wander into the laundry room and get your pants pulled down halfway before you realize that it is indeed the laundry room and not the bathroom.

I really wish my neighbors would take down their giant Easter bunny flag.  Out of the corner of my eye it looks like a person. I have said hello to it at least 3 times today, and now that it’s happy hour things are bound to get worse.  I may be making out with it by sundown.

Parenting Lesson #1,279:  If your 8-year-old son asks you to smell his hand, don’t do it.

(Coming Soon: Ethanisms Galore)

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2 Responses to “Random Thoughts (AKA: I just discovered a link to all my past Facebook status updates & since I am lazy I am trying to pass some of them off as a blog)”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    There’s a club here in MO called funkytown 🙂 FYI

    And the lesson of parenting, not to smell a kids hand.. Um ya, so fell for that bullshit! Literally shit! Mommy nap, sleeping while half listening to the sounds, awaiting a crash or scream of death. Daughter walks up to me, shoves her little grubby hand to my nose, ” mom, smell it; it’s butt crack” Oh hell NO! Her hand reeked of sweaty ass fart! “holly crab kid! I’m gonna chop off a finger should you cram a hand between the cheeks again! No!”

  2. hope Said:

    I have just started reading your blog, and omg…i am laughing my ass off and having to run to the bathroom (because,yes, i have the leaky bladder).
    Thanks patti for my morning giggles! Look forward to gettin caught up on what i have missed!

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