September 27, 2010
My Kid Is Just Like Confucius Except Instead of Chinese He’s Super-White and Instead of a Philosopher He’s a Smart-Mouthed Weirdo. Other Than That They’re Exactly Alike.
The Boy is full of wisdom. Bask in it.
“When you’re dead I’m gonna eat 5 Auntie Ann’s pretzels a day. Cuz you won’t be my boss.”
While looking at himself in the mirror he said:
“This is almost my one hundredth life. I’ve lived alot of lives. Some I remember and some I don’t, and I’ll probably live alot more.”
“I never want to go to a privates school! That’s creepy. They just make you learn about your privates?”
The Boy: Mom, wanna take a bath with me?
Me: No honey.
Me: You’re a big boy and it’s inappropriate.
TB: Well, how about when I turn 21 we get some beer and take a bath together.
Me: I don’t think so. That’s REALLY inappropriate.
TB: What if we wear trunks?
“When I’m a man and I get married and have a little girl I’m gonna name her Sal. But for now I’m just gonna call you Sal. Okay Sal?”
The Boy: (talking to my stomach) Goodnight brothers and sisters!
Me: There’s no brothers and sisters in there.
TB: Yes there are, but they were too slow and lost the race to be born. Tom was in 2nd place. Makenzie was in 3rd and Joe was a few miles behind her.”
“If I farted fire instead of gas that would be a big problem.”
“When I run, I fart automatically. Sounds like a machine gun.”
“Mommy, some people say rain is God crying, but I think it’s God sweating because I think he likes to run around in those spinning tornado circles. And next time I’m in a plane, I’m gonna look out the window and if I see him I’ll jump out and he’ll catch me and I’ll say “Hey God,What’s up? Thanks for catching me!”
The Boy asked The Hub for permission to stab suspicious men if they come onto our property whenever TH is away on business. He said, “I have the power to kill someone if it’s an emergency.” The Hub said that maybe he should just stick to calling 911.
“Cold is better than hot because if the hottest thing, like fire, got you, you’d be dead. But if the coldest thing got you, like a giant ice cube, someone could always smash you out with a hammer and you’d be fine.”
The Boy was singing “All The Single Larry’s.” I pointed out that it is “All The Single Ladies” and he said “Well, I’m Sure there’s plenty of Larry’s that are single too.”
“Mommy, I wish you were really fat so I could hug you so tight that you would explode into hundreds of little mommies and then I could hug all of them!”
Me: “I smell a toot.”
The Boy: “It was me. That’s how I live.”
I just got off the phone with a friend, and The Boy said, “Who was it? A naked hippie?”
The Boy came out of the bathroom with a long piece of toilet paper tied in a bow around his weenie and said “Look mom, my weenie has it’s own bow tie! I’m gonna keep him like this forever!”
The Boy gave me a drawing he had made…
Me: It’s ripped and a piece is missing!”
The Boy: Yeah. I’m eating it. Everybody does that. Geesh.
“You know, when you die you go to deadland and everything is gold and your skin comes off.”
The Boy was playing with a plastic lizard…
TB: You know what kind of lizard this is? It’s a Canadian.
The Hub: Why is your lizard a Canadian?”
TB: Because he can change colors.
The Boy: Mom, I am a man now. I grew my first man hair!”
The Boy: On my big toe!
“Mom, there’s lots of different names for your nuts. There’s nuts, seeds, privates, and atmosphere.”
“Alot of people think I’m not smart because I’m so crazy, but I am proof that you can be both very crazy and very smart.”
“You know I could kill someone w/ my bare hands. I just choose not to.”
The Boy: School is strict. You’re not allowed to dance unless they tell you to.
Me: Well, do they ever tell you to?
The Boy: Hasn’t happened yet!
When your 8-year-old son is caught walking around with his hands behind his back saying in an English accent, “I’m just walking like an old timey English Gentleman” and you haven’t even asked him what he’s doing, he is most likely hiding something from you, and trying in a very unsuccessful and suspicious way to distract you from said hidden item. Just a parenting tip. Mom to mom.
We saw a truck with a plate that said “Mr. Stuff…”
Me: I wonder where Mrs. Stuff is?
The Boy: Unfortunately, she’s dead. When I was a baby, I was out crawling around town and I saw her get hit by a car. It was sad. Mr. Stuff has never been the same.
“Why do we go to school when we’re just gonna die anyway?”
The Boy: How old do I have to be to drink beer?
TB: Man, when I am 21 I am going to be extreme!
“I was gonna try to be good today, but you just make me so bad!”
The Boy sprayed me in the face with Febreeze because, and I quote,
“I don’t know why I did it! My brain didn’t tell me I was going to do it, but my hands just did it!”
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