August 6, 2010
If only Match.com or eharmony had a Gynecological Branch (and FYI it’s not crotch.com which I typed in & is something so totally different)
Don’t worry, I do have more stories to tell about my trip and my High School reunion, but I have to interrupt those stories with another, more pressing topic. My beloved, patient, good-natured, patient, warm, patient, extremely likable and patient OBGYN has totally ruined my life and retired on me. Out of nowhere. Although some friends and family seem to think he faked his retirement, as one might fake their own death, in order to get away from his most “complex” patient, I have to believe that he really did just grow tired of the whole looking at ladies in-betweens all day and move on to greener, less genitally pastures. As a matter of fact, I am fairly certain that he has probably been crying alot and needing, like, therapy and stuff to get over the fact that his life is gonna be so empty and meaningless without me. But none of that really matters, because I will now need to break in a new Dr. which is something I don’t look forward to at all. But I do have a wish-list for that lucky new Dr. who gets me as a patient, and I hope that one of you will know someone who fits this description:
Married white female, age 38 (doesn’t look a day over 18), seeks new Gynecologist (male or female ok) who is into having long conversations with kooky blondes in paper gowns, that may or may not have anything to do with anything even remotely related to female health. Must also be able to handle a patient with a file that needs its own cabinet. Must be tolerant of a patient who questions everything you say, sometimes googles and returns to you with print-outs, drawings and diagrams of things she questions. Must not have a super baby-centric office, because I have closed up shop in that department, and no longer find rooms full of pregnant women or women with babies all that adorable. Must be alright with having a nickname, something along the lines of Dr. Meatloaf or Dr. Dirty Dancing (as all my Dr’s do) because I have about a million Dr’s and am not good with names and must give you one of my own creation. Must be able to take a joke, inappropriate banter, etc… and have a good if not great sense of humor, although must not cross a line into creepy territory such as a past OBGYN who told me, among other things, that I was immaculately groomed…one of the best he’s seen, and showed me his collection of antique dildos. Must, Must, MUST have wonderful PA or Nurse because as a professional patient I know that those people are the ones I will most often have to deal with, and if I don’t like them, I don’t like you, due to the fact that you employ them and if they suck there is obviously something wrong with you as well. Definitely must have extremely short wait-time, I’m talkin’ less than 20 minutes max, because this patient’s time is just as valuable as yours and I will not waste it sitting in a room of crying babies and looking at 8 year old Redbook’s with Kathie Lee and Celine Dione on the cover. If Dr. is a male, must not be too handsome, because that makes being nude and in stirrups just so much more awkward. BUT, Dr. must also not be too ugly, because if I have to drop my pants for someone, they really can’t look like a troll. Must also hate Pina Colada’s and get really pissed off when they are caught in the freakin’ rain.
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