August 19, 2010

Eat Pray Love Can Suck My Balls

Not that I actually have balls. But I hated Eat Pray Love so much that I would take hormone pills, have the surgery, do whatever it takes to get some balls, just so that Eat Pray Love could suck them.

This is not a movie that I would ever go to of my own free will.

A few years ago when Oprah and all of her estrogeny minions were getting their rocks off on this book, I flipped through it at the store and saw enough to know that it wasn’t for me. But when my friend Lee planned a girls night out to see the movie and go out for dinner and drinks, I couldn’t say no because #1) I loves me some dinner, #2) I loves me some drinks, and #3) Lee would totally guilt-trip my ass off if I didn’t go.

And that Lee? She knows how to work the guilt.

Let me just say right now that I love Julia Roberts. LOVE her. But this movie made me turn on her. Any person who would choose to be in this movie is not a person that I dig. I also noticed at the beginning credits that Brad Pitt produced it and I LOVES  me some Brad Pitt. But guess what? Pitt can suck it too.

I’m sure this is all Angelina’s fault.

The woman in this movie (who is unfortunately a real live person) was a whiney, annoying, pain in the ass. She’s an author. She’s gorgeous. She has money. She’s married to Billy Crudup. Billy Crudup is a fucking catch, people. But this chick was bored and confused about the meaning of life and stuff, so she dumped Billy and started doing it with James Franco. Since Franco is so hot and mysterious I gave her a break here. But then she went and got all whiney about him too. This grown ass woman was laying on the floor having a big, pouting, toddler fit, And when she’d finally pooped herself out, she dumped Franco so that she could go find herself or some bullshit like that.

So she goes to Italy and eats a lot and gets too fat for her pants.

Really.

That’s about it.

Nothing else happens there but gluttony and pants shopping.

Then she goes to India and whines and complains and prays.

I don’t know what the heck she was praying about, but I’m sure it was something shitty like “Please let me find pants with a stretchy waist that don’t contain polyester because polyester is for poor people and fatties.”

In India this chick is surrounded by mega-poor people who are covered with flies and take baths in muddy potholes in the street, so one would think that THIS would be her enlightening moment about how great she has it. “I’m the luckiest woman in the world and I’ve been acting like a total dick.” Roll credits.

Yeah?

But no.

Even though she’s wealthy and pretty and still slightly bloated from getting to eat a shitload of expensive pasta and pizza, she still doesn’t have an epiphany and say “Holy crap balls! I am the luckiest bitch alive! I’m gonna give these people some money and take my spoiled blonde ass back to America and get a life!” Hell no. She just whines more.

Then she goes to Bali to get some love.

To further prove that she’s leading a charmed life, about 5 minutes after arriving in Bali she gets offered that “love” by a cute, young, Australian dude who gets naked and wants to skinny dip with her.

But she turns him down and hooks up with Javier Bardem.

I’m sorry people, but in my opinion Javier Bardem looks like a Latino Baboon.

And my opinion is always right because I own a set of these awesome things called EYEBALLS.

The bitch and the baboon first meet when he almost runs her over while she’s riding a bike, and I’m praying like I’ve never prayed before that he turns around and goes back to finish the job and saves us all the pain of watching her do or say anything else. But instead of killing her and becoming my favorite movie character in the history of movies EVER, he falls in love with her.

Hence the “love” part of the title.

And you’d think that after, like, a zillion hours of listening to this woman whine about EVERYTHING we’d at least get the payoff of a sex scene, but we didn’t.

But I guess that was okay since the couple to my right were making out through the entire movie, which I totally understand because it was so freakin’ boring.

But they were MAKING OUT.

Like, licking each other’s faces off and rubbing all over each other from foot to face, and humping each other’s legs etc….

When I got super suicidal bored I leaned over and whispered to Lee to see if she wanted to dry hump a little, then I rubbed her leg a bit for emphasis, but she turned me down.

I’m not normally a lesbian, but this movie made me realize what severe boredom can do to a person. It can drag your ass out of a closet that you didn’t even know you were in.

When a miracle happened and this nightmare of a movie finally ended, a bunch of chicks in front of us clapped.

If the world made sense they would’ve been clapping because that crapfest was finally over. But I’m freakin’ positive that they were clapping because their dumb old suburban asses actually liked it.

Possibly even loved it.

They clapped.

Sweet Baby Jeebus on a tilt-a-whirl, you guys, they clapped.

My faith in humanity is once again shaken, but my interest in dry humping is rekindled.

If dry humping can save you from the eye/ear bleeding that is this movie, then by all means hump away. Just invite me to join you next time.

Please.

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58 Responses to “Eat Pray Love Can Suck My Balls”

  1. Lesley Alberty Said:

    Lord! Did you step inside my brain and write this? This is why I couldn’t even read the book. Went with some of my favorite friends to see the movie, but couldn’t get over her egocentric whining. I have 3-year olds in my class that are less egocentric. And normally if you look up the definition of that word it has a picture of a 3 year old next to it. Now it has a picture of the author- what’s her name…. Whatever, I’ll stop here, but I’m with ya sista!

  2. ShoeGirl Said:

    Thank you for posting this!! I couldn’t get past the first few chapters of the book because of this reason and some people made me feel like it was something wrong with me. LOL! I’m so glad to hear there are other people (women especially) who found her as whiny and annoying as I did.

  3. Anonymous Said:

    I too tried to read this book and never finished…she got on every single one of my nerves!!

  4. Anonymous Said:

    That is exactly what I thought when I read that book! You are awesome!

  5. Anonymous Said:

    You got my vote! I hated this movie so much that I found myself googling how much it sucks to make sure there were others. The women that like this movie and complain about men being selfish need to take a look in the mirror. You might be a whiny b!tCh.. not that there’s many Knights out there either. Just sayin! And then they end up on Nanny 911 and wonder why their kids don’t respect them.

  6. Anonymous Said:

    I have always loved dry humping so I am wishing I was next to you. Oh yeah, this movie sounds crappy too.

  7. Anonymous Said:

    Great review. I was also dragged along to this movie. It can suck my balls too. I spent the whole movie crafting my witty review: Eat Pray Love SHIT.

  8. Anonymous Said:

    Hahaha!

    Thanks for this blog post! You took the words right out of my mouth! 😀

    Seriously, WHAT was so wrong about being married to Billy Crudup and fucking James Franco, again?

    (And, btw, the character Billy Crudup plays in the movie seems like a very nice person, even if he is a bit weird, and so it’s even more baffling that she somehow thinks that it is a bad marriage and is so desperate to leave him. Let alone something that could drive her to crying hysterically on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night. What, did he abuse you or something? Did he do drugs? Have an affair? No? He was just a bit of a putz? THAT makes you cry hysterically on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night?)

    Liz, baby, give me James Franco. You are too stupid to know what to do with him, give him to me. I’ll fuck him for you. Happily. And Billy, too.

  9. Anonymous Said:

    Thanks for the review, you helped verbalize what my brain been unable to, since seeing this complete waste of time last night on DVD. Thankfully I have a Netflix account so this didn’t cost me anything other than 2 hours of my life.
    E
    I found your review by searching for “Eat Pray Love sucks balls” so I would be with liked minded folks. Glad I found it!!

    I fell asleep when she was complaining in India, and woke up after
    Javier Bardem almost hits her with his car. This dude was the human equivalent of the Terminator in “No Country for old Men”. I was praying he would breaK character and put us all out of our misery. Sadly that didnt happen, but luckily I have balls and this movie can suck them. I wish I had used them last night and put the DVD back in the netflix envelops after the first 30 minutes.

  10. Anonymous Said:

    I am little behind in the timing of my post, but just reading the book cover a few years ago made me throw up in my mouth. Then I saw it was being made into a movie and I vomited a little more. When the horrific moment came when I saw the preview I was begging the good Lord to send me some phenergan and zofran. My best friends were on board with me on this nausea/vomiting cycle. However, some of my aquaintanences ate this sh*t up right off a spoon; read the book, saw the movie, said it changed their lives…. I can honestly saw NOTHING Julia Roberts has done has made me want to change my life. Well, maybe in 11th grade I wanted to be a hooker so I could get some new clothes. Then my Sassy magazine arrived and reminded me of the stupidity of wanting to be a hooker when I grew up.

  11. Patti Ford Said:

    I LOVED Sassy magazine! Best. Magazine. Ever. I dreamed of being Jane Pratt. A 25 year old Editor of the most awesome magazine ever in print. Cool gal.

  12. Anonymous Said:

    I am so glad I am not alone… I thought she was a selfish cow. I hated the book and refuse to ever watch the movie.

  13. Patti Ford Said:

    I love you, Anonymous. Really really truly.

  14. crabbysister5 Said:

    I feel like I have come home. You are my kind of people.

  15. TheSuze Said:

    I totally agree! The movie was a real snooze-fest!

  16. Lana Said:

    If we could all indulge ourselves with the problems that that whiny bitch indulged herself with we wouldn’t have to spend so much time dealing with the REAL crap in our lives. I have had the half- read book on my night stand for months, I hated it! I also saw the movie, however, due to likin me some dinner drinks, and girls night out, and it was not my turn to pick the movie.

  17. The Home C.E.O. Said:

    actually, my favorite part was when she went to italy to eat and drink. they could have ended the movie there and at the end I would have said “well that movie didn’t completely suck”…
    but then they kept going.

    i thought it was going to be Eat (food) Pray (you do it before your meal) and Love (as in “I love this freaking pizza’)
    But then they had to RUIN it by making 50 minutes longer. gah!

  18. Jana Perry Said:

    Strangely enough, I now want to see this movie so I can hate on it, too. Is that sad?

  19. Patti Ford Said:

    Not at all. It’s fun to watch crap sometimes. At least when you go in knowing it’s crap. Make it a drinking game. Every time she whines drink. You’ll be drunk 10 minutes in.

  20. Anonymous Said:

    I agree the book sucked ass so did the movie.”Spoilt whinging bitch travels the world” would have been a better title

  21. ec57e490-d2e6-11e0-817c-000bcdcb5194 Said:

    I wasn’t gonna comment cause I actually liked the book which I sold on Ebay… The movie doesn’t sound like the book tho. When I heard it was being made into a movie I thought, why?? Maybe I didn’t like the book as much as I thought.

  22. Anonymous Said:

    I laughed so hard reading this blog that I cried. I am so sorry that your friends made you take part in this. I have never dry humped a stranger in a movie theater but at the next super boring movie I might give it a thought.
    P.S. My favorite chick flick is Hannibal 🙂

  23. Anonymous Said:

    Ok, ok, I get it. I haven’t watched the movie, did read the book, which I wouldn’t recommend, but it still wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to go into a dark corner and meditate or something. If you sit cross-legged, with a straight back and do that “ummmmm” thing long enough, I promise you will begin hurting in other places and forget your current pain.

  24. Anonymous Said:

    So true, most girly movies suck balls!!

  25. Rebecca Said:

    Ah totally brilliant review man, I haven´t watched the movie I had to turn it off after 10 minutes but I did force myself to read the book, took over 4 months (because I kept getting so bored with it). “It´s a best seller” “It´s really profound” pffffffffffffffffffffffffff, the total moaning… she should have gone to africa and saw some starving people, “yeah you see that, you´re life´s not so bad so get yourself to-frickin-gether”.. what a total douchebag. ps ladies a good book for self-enlightenment “shantaram” it´s big but it´s worth it! not like this crap!

  26. Lisa Said:

    Great! Now I don’t have to watch a movie I never got around to seeing in the first place. I tried to read the book because so many people loved it but couldn’t get past the first 50 pages. It was all the whining. Oh my! She tried to live without a man for awhile. This is news? I say–big whoop.

  27. Dawn Said:

    I have watched it, and I’ve watched it again. I did so the second time just to see if it was a hormone-raged fit I was having at the time or if it was my real self thinking, “What the hell is good about this movie?” Don’t get me wrong. I would love to be able to go to Italy and India then Bali… but who can do that shit? Oh, that’s right. Only a rich bitch, who has no job, no life, no husband and kids. Someone who REALLY “needs to get away”, right? (<---Sarcasm font) I mean, what-the-fuck-ever! Bitches like ME (and Mom-Brain) are the ones who should get an all-expense paid trip to do shit like this every YEAR just to keep our sanity, for the safety of people all over the world. That's just my thought. I'm sure many will agree with that. LOL

  28. Wiessmuller Said:

    Very funny.

  29. MetroGypsy Said:

    THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

  30. Christina Said:

    Nice review. Saved me 90 min. I wouldn’t get back.

  31. Lara Said:

    THANK YOU! Ugh…..it’s like she’s just faking it all…so gross. She’s playing “deep introspective”, but not actually living any of it…cause she’s too fricken busy WHINING! Thank you for validating….i thought i was all alone in the world on this one. namaste! 😉

  32. Anonymous Said:

    My favorite review. EVER! “My faith in humanity is once again shaken, but my interest in dry humping rekindled”. It doesn’t get any better that that.

  33. The Incompetent Hausfrau Said:

    Buahahaha This movie ranks up there with that piece of shit English Patient, book and movie. Booooo to all the apathetic shallow twatwaffles who buy into this bullshit. Seriously, I love Jane Austen as much as the next bitch, but that’s a bygone era and society romance is about as relevant today as child labor and dowries. Get the hell over it!

  34. Anonymous Said:

    I’m with y’all. I tried to read the book, I really did. I. Just. Couldn’t. Get. Through. It. The egocentric whining of the author was a complete turn-off… and yet, like an idiot, I tried to watch the movie — hoping Julia Roberts would restore some semblance of normalcy to the character, and that I’d “get” the deep meaning. No dice. Too bad… as a foodie, I’d love a trip to Italy, India, and Bali, but if I ever take one, I’ll pray it’s not like this one. Snooze fest!

  35. Anonymous Said:

    I too thought this movie was actually eventually gonna go somewhere cool with the storyline or life lesson, but no, it just sucked. Really really bad. And on top of that, whatever “secret message” this movie may portray to the male species, at the end of it my boyfriend, whom I had just decided I would let myself fall in love with and let my guard doen, BROKE UP WITH ME!! WTF!!! And I swear it had everything to do with this God awful movie bc he kept saying he was noticing some kind of warning signs that we wldnt work out, thank u Julia Roberts! I also might mention that before watching this movie he was following me around like a puppy begging for my love and attention!

  36. Noelia Jaime Interlandi Said:

    Youre brilliant as usual,it actually made me want to watch it!Did you notice how people cant turn their eyes away from a car crash?Its the morbidity in me that wants to watch this car crash…and hope ill see a little grey matter too!
    Does it rank up there with the CATS musical?11 years playing and i coulnt finish watching it.I died a little that day and kinda felt alone in the world since everybody seemed to love it.

  37. Anonymous Said:

    I liked the man version of this movie called football, jerk-off, nap.

  38. Anonymous Said:

    this is hilarious!! i thought maybe it was just me that wanted to slap some sense into Julia Roberts.. and I def gotta try the dry humpin someone in the movie theater. gonna start w someone I know then move onto strangers, but only at bad movies. don’t wanna get thrown out of ones I like… Love your blog Patti and I’m glad I’m not the only mom thats not right in the head

  39. LauraD Said:

    Who are these people who loved the book? I enjoy chick lit/quick read as much as any young woman does, but I don’t get the appeal of Eat Pray Love, either. I’m also a Julia Roberts fan, but I wanted to slap her about 10 times throughout the movie.

  40. Divinity's Cupcake Said:

    Well, apparently I must have been suffering from a mid-life crisis when I watched this movie, because I cried like a baby with colic through almost the whole thing. I am on meds now though…so I am sure if I rewatched it, I would understand it was just a phase I was going through… O_o 🙂

  41. Jonie Binni Said:

    I asked her if she wanted to hump a little, LOL I love you so manies.

  42. Lisa Said:

    My thoughts exactly…movie sucked ass

  43. Deb Rebisz Said:

    This reminds me so much of the way I felt after watching “An Indecent Proposal.” I really liked Demi Moore before that movie. But then she was all “I can’t help it…I love ignorant, broke, one-step-up-from-a-mobile-home loser Woody Harrelson and just can’t see myself with wildly attractive, mega-successful, rich-as-sin, charismatic Robert Redford. I wanna go back to my shitty apartment and live with a dick.” Puhleeze.

  44. Anonymous Said:

    Had to read this book for a college class, ended up dropping the class three chapters in because I felt that if this was the trash the teacher wanted us to read my overall intelligence and ability to logically reason would e so destroyed that I would be unable to pass any of my other classes.

  45. Anonymous Said:

    Again almost peed my pants at work reading this blog. HATED the book and refused to see the movie. I only read the book because of our Book club, which I have since left. They kept picking enlightened and uplifting books-in other words “totally stupid Oprah type sh*t” The month I picked a book it was Dexter! My one and only chick flick is Mean Girls…cause they’re Mean. I thought the main character was a moron. Who gets a million dollars, free travel to exotic places and whines about it? Biotch.

  46. carrie baxter Said:

    Read this for my book club. And thereafter quit book club. Stuuuupid whiny woman is an embarassment to the rest of women out ther (Except the ones who liked the book/movie and are therefore whiny asses too). I have no sympathy or empathy for a woman who gets like a million dollar advance to travel the world, find god, eat herself into a bigger dress size, romp on the beach with a hot guy, have crazy awesome sex and BITCH about it. Get a real life. Deal with a kid throwing up in the back of your car, a sick husband, a paralyzed dog, a foreclosure, a bankruptcy, breast cancer, dying brother and then maybe I can relate. Pansy ass.

  47. Anonymous Said:

    “I liked the man version of this movie called football, jerk-off, nap.”

    Best comment ever. I love your blog, I’m lolmao…but still, best comment ever.

  48. Cassandra Said:

    I refused to read the book or see the movie. I knew what it was about and it disgusted me! I love your comment about Oprah and her hormoney minions!!! Perfect!! Someone pointed out to me that everywhere this self-centered, whiny bitch went started with “I” (Italy, India, Indonesia). ME ME ME!!!

  49. Rebecca Said:

    You know what ? I really enjoyed the movie, I sat, transfixed to the screen …totally in awe of such a good story line and fine acting! I liked it so much I ran right out to barns and Nobel and bought the book and read thru it that weekend! Couldnt put it down!! ……..(are you buying THIS??? coz I’m totally selling bologna!!! This movie
    actually HURT TO WATCH!! And I brought the book on an airplane and couldn’t read it because it sucked so much! I read “sky mall” instead ! And it was far more entertaining!!)

  50. Auntie Bea Said:

    If you post that you hated Twilight than I will swear a zombie blood oath to you FOREVER!

    I HATE whiney chicks, and self-entitled pseudo intellectuals. They are my first target if thr zombie apocalypse ever makes mercy killing of the stupid ”legal”.

  51. photoGeniCasey Said:

    i couldn’t agree with you more – i wanted to like the book – but it just pissed me off. i tried to jump forward and get to the good part but it just continued to piss me off. in the end I couldn’t finish it. even without the good looking actors she still had a lot going on for her – and it was never enough. thanks for putting in writing what I felt about the story.

  52. Anonymous Said:

    Ahahahaha! YES! I wanted to read this book because I’m a travel junkie (and love India) so I thought it would be awesome to read about her time there. Well, I got a little more than half way through the book and puked. All she did was have a midlife crisis and wrote about it. We all have issues, but I don’t know, if I were well off and a respected writer, had a nice place and a good husband, I think I would be pretty flippin’ satisfied….damn. And I wouldn’t waste my travel time whining about dumb shit either. Never did finish the book. I think I’ll send it to Goodwill.

  53. ComfyTown Chronicles Said:

    You just re-posted this on Facebook and I will PRAY to any god that will listen, can you PLEASE review EVERY MOVIE from now on? Thanks.

  54. Frugalistablog Said:

    The only good part of that movie was when she told her friend while they were eating pizza and she says that guys feel like they’ve won the lottery when they get you in bed. So now I eat pizza and just wear pajama jeans.
    oh, and I NEVER went near that book with a ten foot pole. Too much self reflection.

  55. Anonymous Said:

    I’m free for humping.. just sayin

  56. Jason Said:

    Led here from a link from Twitter that was just posted today. I have to say I have not ever seen the movie, and had felt somewhat guilty about that since it had been so highly acclaimed. I am very happy you have brought me to the truth and spared me the same torture you endured. Therefore I nominate you for a Nobel Peace Prize. I am pretty sure no one at the Nobel foundation know me or cares about my nomination, but I offer the nomination never-the-less.

    Thank you for the post. Love your work.

  57. Dave Said:

    I think it’s the hypocracy and shallowness that bother me the most. The main character visits Italy, Rome, but never for a moment is she moved to investigate the rich history of Roman Catholicism, once described by one of my philosophy professors as the “thinking person’s Church” for its deep focus on the rational essence of God, making it perhaps the most intellectually interesting and profound of religions from a philosophical perspective. No, Elizabeth Gilbert would rather just eat Italian food.

    And then she goes off to India just like so many other shallow New Age hippy-dippies, looking for a feel-good fix of new age-y Indian platitudes that mean pretty much nothing and are so silly they make me want to hurl. It’s like reading Deepak Chopra; the same mishmash of profound-sounding words and sentences, that have virtually no substance; they just SOUND cool.

    Eat Pray Love seems written to cater to the over-fed, overly-pampered jet set, just like Chopra does-to people who don’t really have any genuine problems or profound questions, but who just want to be entertained. They want to FEEL profound; they don’t actually want to BE profound.

    I suspect Elizabeth Gilbert has no idea what it takes to become truly Enlightened: Years. Years and years of study and contemplation, preferably beginning with philosophy, with a protracted focus on logic. Out of all the fields of study, only philosophy appears to have the chance of allowing a person to become genuinely enlightened; philosophers are the only individuals I can call truly learned people, and it is fantastically difficult to become a philosopher. Many people, unfortunately, have no apparent inclination of such soul-and-intellect searching. They much prefer lifeless, shallow fare like Eat Pray Love, rather than working for a lifetime toward higher reasoning.

  58. Dave Said:

    (Love your site, by the way!)

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