July 13, 2010

Because I’m Busy Traveling But I Don’t Want You To Forget About Me: 25 Things You Never Wanted To Know About Me

1. I believe in ghosts and I believe I have seen/heard them before. I believe that sometimes at night, one sits at the foot of my bed.
2.The two things I am most scared of: #1) mountain men– because when I was little I saw a movie where one kidnapped a girl and made her his “woman”, and since I grew up in the Ozarks I have always lived in fear that would happen to me. #2) Leather S & M Masks– like the one that creepy dude who lived in the basement in Pulp Fiction wore. I don’t know why, but I will actually cry if I see someone wearing one. Freaks. Me. Out.
3. I often laugh at inappropriate things. (Okay. That one you knew already)
4. I talk to myself more than any normal person should. Or any abnormal person, for that matter. I also sing about what I’m doing, like I’m in a musical or something.
5. In High School I skipped class ALOT. Our art room had a back door that opened to the outside, and sometimes after roll was called, I would slip right out that door when my teacher’s back was turned. I usually ended up at the river.
6 . Seeing or hearing John Denver makes me go into convulsions and throw up in my mouth a little.
7. I sleep with my left heel between my right big and 2nd toe. OR, I put Steve’s heel there, or a blanket. I have to have something there. Once in middle school, I was spending the night with my friend Crystal, who woke me up freaking out because I had toe-jacked her heel in my sleep.
8. I hate socks, and thank my lucky stars every day that I live in a climate where I rarely have to wear them. When I do wear them, Steve knows that the #1 way to make me freak out is to turn or pull them so that the little toe seam isn’t where it’s supposed to be. To me, that is like nails on a chalkboard.
9. I once made Harold Ramis laugh enough to snort his drink out of his nose. I don’t remember what I said, although I think I danced a jig as well, and it was a proud moment for me .
10. I think Paul Rudd is the most adorable and funny man to ever walk the earth, and Steve knows that given the chance, I would run away with him forever.
11. I wrote a poem for Ellen that contained the words “pee” and “poop”, and I got to go to the Primetime Emmy’s with her show, and walk the Red Carpet. I took my best friend Kim, and she owes me big.
12. When I was little I thought boogers were eggs and that birds hatched out of them. I used to save all of my tissues and try to incubate them under my desk light. They got hard and crusty, but no birds ever came out. My parents are big fat liars.
13. I never went to a prom because I thought they were “lame” and I wouldn’t have been caught dead in a dress of any kind, let alone a big, poofy, satin dress. My dad really wanted me to go one year and he gave me some dress money, which ended up buying alot of beer and pizza, which my friends and I ate and drank while wearing our non-shiny, non-poofy jeans.
14. Carnies LOVE me. I am not proud of this, but it is a fact nonetheless. I cannot go within a mile of a carnival for fear of being mobbed by carnie men. It started in about the 8th grade and it holds true to this day.
15. The first time I climbed out my window at night I was in the 7th grade. I met a friend in the alley to smoke a cigarette. When I went back home I realized that jumping out of a high window was one thing, but getting back in was something entirely different .
16. I have met Oprah. I invited her out dancing and she didn’t come, but she did say my shoes were cute.
17. When I was little I was sure of two things: #1) I was going to marry sweet, cute Ricky Schroeder, but carry on an elicit affair with his naughty friend Derek Taylor (Jason Bateman), and #2) I was going to be discovered –probably at the mall — and asked to play Annie in a sequel to the movie “Annie” that would be way better than the first one, mainly because I could rock that Hard Knock Life song like nobody’s business.
18. I believe in past lives and I have always been sure that I was once a black man who died in a scuba diving accident.
19. When I was 7 I made a long wig out of yarn and wore it while I sang along to my Crystal Gayle album.
20. I once had a stalker. I wish it would have been Paul Rudd, but it was just some middle-aged guy who drove a truck and liked to watch me run errands.
21. When I was little I cut a window flap in a giant box and sat in it to watch tv. If my family started to annoy me, it was time to close the flap. I closed the flap alot.
22. I went to a really weird Christian school until 6th grade and it scarred me for life. They wouldn’t “allow” us to go see E.T. but my dad took us anyway. That is where I got my rebellious streak.
23. Drag Queens make me giddy. The Drag Bar is my Happy Place.
24. I want to have a slumber party with Chelsea Handler and Kathi Griffin. Diablo Cody can come too.
25. I once woke up with someone elses clothes on…and I was soaking wet from head to toe. Some mysteries are better left unsolved.
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