May 5, 2010

I Should Just Make My New Password “Password” (AKA, I Can’t Believe I Can Function In Society)

It happened again.

After taking a few days off from writing due to an extremely bad case of PMS, I decided to write a little bit today and found that once again, I was too stupid to log in.

To this blog.

The blog that I started.

The blog that I made the sign-in name and password for.

This blog right here.

After the last time this happened, I got smart enough to write down the pertinent information so that the next time it happened (yes, I knew there’d be a next time) I would know where to find it. But as it turns out, my pea-sized brain is incapable of remembering where I write such important information approximately 60 seconds after I write it.

I know that paragraph makes me sound like a helpless idiot, and that’s okay, because quite frankly, that’s what I am most of the time.

At least during my waking hours.

When I am asleep I am a genius.

When I am asleep I also know Krav Maga (the official self defense system of the Israeli Defense Forces), multiple languages and dance moves, have an amazing singing voice, eat only junk food yet lose weight, and Paul Rudd and Jimmy Fallon constantly fight over me.

But yes, when I am awake, I am sometimes a bit…spacey.

Most of you who know me probably have your own proof as to the truth of that statement.

For those of you who don’t know me personally, here are just a few snippets of things that have happened to me in the past 2 weeks:

I was almost killed by an ATM machine.

I made the mistake of thinking that I was capable enough to use the deposit feature on the drive-through ATM machine.

I’m not.

Oh sure, I’ve done it before with no problems, but I should have known that was a fluke.

This time, since I had the fancy idea that I was an expert at drive-up depositing,  I went to an unfamiliar machine.  It seems that this strange machine differs from my usual ATM in that instead of having an open slot in which you insert your checks, it has a slot with a door that slides up and down.  Since as usual, I wasn’t paying attention as the door opened, I didn’t yet know of it’s existence.

The screen told me to insert my money, so I did.  It was at this point I noticed that the money was just laying there, whereas in my usual machine it gets immediately pulled into the ATM.  Assuming that I needed to push it in further, I stuck my hand in to give it a shove.  It was at this moment that the door decided to close.  On my wrist.  Really hard.  And it wouldn’t re-open.

Since I am afraid of scratching my car, I always park so far away from the ATM that I have to undo my seat belt and dangle half my body out of the car to reach the machine, which isn’t the best position to be in when the ATM decides to go crazy and eat you.  I am thankful for two things:  1) That nobody was behind me when this happened, and 2) That sometimes there are call buttons on ATM’s.  I always wondered what those were for…

My umbrella tried to make me drive into oncoming traffic.

About a week ago, I was driving into town to meet my friend Karen for lunch.  As I was going down the highway I realized that it looked like it might rain, so I thought I’d better stick my car umbrella into my purse, just to be prepared.  I reached down into the pocket on the drivers side door and grabbed my umbrella.

While pulling it out, I somehow twisted it just enough to get it wedged in between the door and my car seat adjustment buttons.

The reclining button, to be exact.

So as I’m flying down the road my chair is slowly leaning back farther and farther to the point where I look like some gangbanger in a hoopty.

I always wondered how those dudes could drive in that position, and now that I’ve (unwillingly) tried it, I wonder even more.

The dude at Old Navy thinks I’m insane.

Yesterday I went to Old Navy to return some shorts.

Since I had tried to return these shorts once last week and couldn’t do so because I left the belt that came with them at home, I was a little crabby about having to go all the way back to the store again.

Thankfully, my crabbiness subsided when I saw an open parking space right in front of the store.  It was a beautiful space that shimmered in the sun.  Since I usually have trouble finding parking at this particular store, I was so excited about this space that I sang a song about it called “Once, Twice, Three Times a Spacey,” as I practically skipped into the store.

Upon entering the store I realized that The Universe was smiling on me yet again, because there was no line!  So I did my happy dance on up to the register and told the dude that I had a return to make, on this fine, sunny, perfect day!

“Do you have a receipt?” he asked.
“Of course I have a receipt!” I said, as I pulled it out of my purse, without digging, for once.
“Okay…where is your item?” asked the dude.
“Oh….well…at home on my kitchen counter,” said this PMS-ing idiot.

At least if I’m gonna make a complete ass out of myself, I didn’t have to walk too far to do it.

Anyway, there you have it.  A small bit of proof that I’m losing my mind.

This isn’t even what I was I was going to write about when I sat down today, but sometimes my mind goes a bit off track.  Surprise surprise!  I will try to sit down tomorrow and write about what I was going to write about today.

If I remember.

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4 Responses to “I Should Just Make My New Password “Password” (AKA, I Can’t Believe I Can Function In Society)”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    Still laughing…

  2. kristiemarie518 Said:

    You and I were cut from the same dysfunctional cloth my friend. I could have written this blog myself. LOVE IT!

  3. Gee Cee Said:

    “like a gangbanger in a hoopty”…PLEASE don’t let that be a fluke!!! LOLOL!! ~A New Reader. 🙂

  4. Anonymous Said:

    You are too freakin funny.

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