May 10, 2010

P.M.S and the S.L.N.

So, while I was moping around the house last week in the midst of THE WORST PMS OF MY LIFE, I was getting pissed about lots of things.  It was that kind of PMS where everything and everyone is just….wrong.  My clothes sucked, everything on TV sucked, most people sucked, all music sucked and most food sucked. Well, except for the ingenious combination of peanut butter and chocolate….Thank you, ugly people in the movie theater in that one Reeses commercial from the 80’s where the guy had a chocolate bar and the girl had a freaking jar of peanut butter (why? who the hell does that?) and when the movie got scary he screamed like a little bitch and whoops! his chocolate bar flew into her jar of peanut butter and the result was pure magic for us and probably a major make-out session for them, because there’s no way that discovering something as delicious as that doesn’t make you feel like dry humping.

Anyways, what I’m saying is that I was in full-on bitch mode.  I was so annoyed by so many things, that I made a Shit List.  My Shit List goes way back to college days, when I would – literally – make a list of who/what was pissing me off.  “Pearl Jam sucks!” you might have said.  Well, I would pull out my Shit List Notebook and write you up.  Done.  You may find this odd, but it’s oh so true.  The photo below was taken in 1994, which is at least 5 years before Chi’s and dark-rinse pants with low rises. But that’s beside the point. Notice that in my left hand I hold a beer, but in my right hand I hold my Shit List Notebook.  Although I clearly recall this night, and the fact that I put the S.L.N. in my pants, I couldn’t begin to explain why.

Patti’s Shit List:  April 2010

Kentucky Fried Chicken:  Ok, dorky white-haired man.  You and your big black glasses have really done it this time.  Sure, I like your chicken, and your mashed potatoes and gravy are so good I want to French kiss them, but come on. You’re so damn cocky with your “Secret Recipe” crap that it’s more than a little annoying, but I’ve forgiven you because it tastes so freakin’ good.  But really?  The “Double Down” sandwich?   This thing has two chicken breasts (secret recipe) with bacon, 2 cheeses and sauce in between them. BETWEEN chicken. A sandwich has bread. BREAD! You can’t use poultry as bread!  Poultry isn’t bread-like AT ALL!  I have never – in my life – gotten confused between a chicken and a loaf of bread.  And you know what?  I am easily confused.  This sandwich is disgusting.  I blame you, Colonel Sanders, for all those damn fat people on scooters who are running over Ethan’s toes.  HIS CUTE LITTLE TOES!  KFC…you suck! (But I still love your potatoes)

Shorts:  I love you but I hate you.  There’s nothing like the freedom of shorts, and as a tall girl it’s so much easier to find shorts to fit than it is pants.  But let’s get serious for a minute.  It’s time for a wake-up call, shorts.  It’s high time you realized that most women can’t wear shorts with a 1-inch inseam.  A 1-inch inseam wouldn’t even make it past my crotch! And my crotch, stupid shorts, is definitely an area that I try to keep under wraps.  The only people who can wear you are pre-teen girls and Cameron Diaz.  And you know what pisses me off even more?  The fact that you go from a 1-inch inseam to a 12-inch inseam with super-nipple-high-rise.  Can’t I get something in between?  I don’t wanna look like I’m wearing a thong and I don’t wanna look like  someone’s MeMaw either.  Shorts…you suck!  First of all, I hate mattress commercials.  Second of all, I hate the fact that there are 10 mattress stores in every strip-mall in the United States.  Do we really have that many people out buying mattresses every day? If so, why?  What is happening on the mattresses of the American people that we can keep this many stores in business!  What??  Prostitution? Bed wetting? Murder? has a commercial that is really ticking me off.  They say that after 8 years your mattress doubles in weight due to – get this – dead skin, dust mites, and dust mite poop!  SKIN, BUGS, and POOP!  I saw this commercial one night as I was resting my cramping and bloated body on my 10-year-old mattress and I became at once disgusted, fearful and angry.  I immediately blamed Steve for making me sleep in that pile of skin and poop and not letting me get my Tempur-Pedic.  I betcha anything that this nastiness doesn’t happen on a freakin’ Tempur-Pedic.  Probably after 10 years on one of those babies, balloons, confetti, margaritas and delicious hors d’oeuvres pop out.… you suck!

Justsin Timberlake and Timbaland: Justin, I think you’re kinda cute, in that skinny white-boy way, which is odd since you don’t seem to realize you’re white. But you are. And you have curly hair.  Like a 4-year-old.  Even if you cut it short we still know it’s there.  And we all know you aren’t being very nice to Jessica Biel, who I get the feeling is pretty much a bitch, but still…you chose her and she’s your bitch.  And we all know you’re flirting with Cameron Diaz in her little 1-inch inseam slut shorts.  Yeah, we all saw the proof in US Weekly, so just shut up.  Timbaland, you seem alright.  I really don’t know much about you except for the fact that you are really really rich and you make lots of music with that slutty JT.  But Timbaland, you are now on my radar.  My PMS Radar.  And trust me, it’s no place to be.  This new song you guys are singing, is really irritating the holy crap out of me.  “Carryout” is the name of it, and it is by far, the stupidest song I have ever heard in my 38 years of life.  And I was a child of the 80’s.  THE 80’S!!  When someone sang “Get outta my dreams and into my car” for chrissakes!  Any song in which you say the words “I have you open all night like you I.H.O.P.” is totally stupid and offensive to my ears. I know that rock stars are usually chick magnets, but when you sing a song that compares us chicks to various fast food restaurants, you have crossed a line. You guys are morons and this song sucks.

*Whew! There’s more, but I’m gonna make this a two-parter, so as not to re-work myself up and/or overly irritate you. *

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3 Responses to “P.M.S and the S.L.N.”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    Patti, I have been in the WORST mood today and your blog is just what I needed for a good laugh! I wish I just had a main line to your thoughts and then I think I could laugh all day long! Thank you for being who you are and doing what you do!
    Cari Middaugh

    PS I have no idea what this select profile thing is! I’m pretty sure I don’t have a URL! So I’ll be anonymous if that works, but you know it’s me b/c I signed my name!

  2. JillyB Said:

    Thank you for making me laugh when I really needed it! I’ve seen the commercials and they piss me off too. I bet you’re right about the Tempur-Pedic thing, only I hope mine (the one in my dreams) comes with Mojitos! Cheers!

  3. Anonymous Said:

    Ummm….YES! Yes to all of the above! KFC is definitely making people fat!
    I hate shorts, too! But if you can manage to walk into the dreaded Wal-Mart (I secretly love this place) they actually have shorts that fall in between the 1-inch & 12-inch seem. They are great! I have like 4 pair of them!
    As for the mattress commercial…I hate it because the doorbell on it makes my dogs bark. EVERY TIME!

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