April 5, 2010

The Suburban Swamp Thing (A NOVA Special)

My pool is green.  Not just green but fuzzy, murky, scary, swampy green.  The kind of green you only see in movies full of voodoo, plantations, alligators and those spooky trees with the moss hanging off of them like hairy snakes.  We went on vacation and had loads of fun, so The Universe did what it always does when it thinks things are going too smoothly for you.  It broke something, and that something was our pool pump.  Well, one of them anyway.  The Hub informs me that we have two, but since I have no idea how the pool works nor do I care to know, this information means nothing to me.  Honestly, I don’t know what good two pumps are if one broken pump can make your beautiful pool look like it belongs in a horror movie. But don’t tell The Hub that I said that or he’ll try to explain mechanical and chemical things to me, and I will have to once again pretend I’m listening while I’m really thinking about Paul Rudd, Margaritas, and those adorable little finger monkeys.

The Boy had a friend over to play, and that friend announced that it was disgusting that our pool was green, until I convinced him that we dyed it green for St. Pat’s Day, because we used to live in Chicago, and in Chicago they dye the river green every year to celebrate the holiday.  After that he seemed to think that it was cool.  Although I have appeased him, I am starting to wonder what the neighbors who live behind us are thinking.  They are the only house that can see into our yard.  I normally could care less what the neighbors think, but these are brand new ones, and since they don’t wander around naked doing air kicks, karate chops and snapping towels at each other in front of open windows every night like the previous ones, I would like to keep them around for awhile.  I’m afraid that if they think they are living next to a swamp or a water filtration plant, they may want to move, and God only knows what kinda naked, hoarder freaks we might get next.

This morning I decided that our pool is now so disgusting and frightening that there may definitely be a NOVA special in our future.  I am fairly certain that we are creating new life forms in there.  I asked The Hub if this is the way that whole Evolution thing happened.  He said something about how I’m a bit confused and then launched into something Sciency, so I wandered off. Regardless of his doubts, I am 99% sure that aside from seeing strange surface bubbles, I saw a green claw-like hand reach out and try to grab a curious bird this morning.  I saw what I saw.

I told my friend Anne that if I go missing, I am counting on her to tell the cops that a swamp thing may have done it, because I can’t count on The Hub to face reality.  She wanted to know who was gonna dive for my body and I told her that I assumed it would be her. But due to her Howie Mandel-ish fear of germs, she tells me that she won’t be doing anything even remotely resembling a swamp search and rescue.  Although my feelings are hurt, I tell her I understand.  The way that pool looks now, if Anne were to dive in and perform an underwater search, I believe that it’s not far-fetched at all to think that some kind of tadpole-like swamp creature could swim up her in-between and impregnate her with a swamp monster.  When I tell her this, she suggests that if it’s dirty enough it’s probably even possible that she may get knocked up with twins. TWINS!

 There’s no way that I can expect Anne to risk not only her health, but her womb, for the sake of retrieving my body.  No, that is asking too much.  But then I realize something:  I have always wanted to hump Matt Lauer, and if Anne gets knocked up with a swamp baby or two, it may finally be my ticket to getting on The Today Show!  When I tell her the good news, she reminds me of something important:  “How can you go on The Today Show? Aren’t you dead?”  “Well, ” I tell her, “I was, but the water is infused with special life retrieving particles so I come back from the dead as either a full-grown green swamp girl, or one of your twins.”  This is the point where I lost her, but she stuck with me long enough to make me proud.

So if I go missing, I don’t expect anyone to dive in the swamp/pool to look for me, but when The Today Show comes to our ‘hood to report on the story, at least hold up my photo and tell Matt that I loved him.  Then hump the stuffing out of him for me.

UPDATE:  I wrote this a few weeks ago and forgot to post it until now.  Just so you know…our pump is fixed, the pool is blue again, all swamp life is gone. And as far as I can tell, we still have neighbors who wear clothes.

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