April 15, 2010

Lloyd Dobler Rules. John Cusack drools.

I don’t have too much to say this week.  I will pause for a moment and let that sink in.  I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true.  The reasons for this rare and strange occurrence are fourfold:  (1) This is the week of The Boy, AKA his birthday week.  Since something has shifted in my DNA (probably due to the swampy pool incident) and I have suddenly and inexplicably gone from a super-organized, slightly psychotic pre-planner to a scatter-brained throw everything together at the last minute non-planner, I have been very overwhelmed this week with errands and party crap.  (2) The Hub is out of town and my dad is here this week.  This has thrown off my routine and I am more easily confused and disoriented than usual, which is really saying something.  (3) I can’t remember the third reason, but it was just at the front of my brain a few minutes ago and now it’s gone. (4) I saw 2012 over the weekend and it seriously and irreversibly fried my brain with its length and stupidity. I don’t know why I rented it.  I went to the big red box to get a movie called “An Education,” and since it wasn’t there, I thought “Hey!  I love John Cusack, and John Cusack’s in this movie, so how bad can it be?”   Answer:  Really, Really, REALLY bad.

To save you from the pain I endured, I am going to give you a synopsis of the movie:  John Cusack (who acts nothing like Lloyd Dobler) is  a divorced father of two who drives a limo and seems to be a bit lazy and disorganized (props!) and unsure how to set an alarm clock.  He takes his kids camping in Yellowstone, and even though I distinctly recall a mention of bears (because I perked up thinking “Bear Attack!”) no bears ever came into play and I was bummed out by this wasted opportunity.  Anyway, Yellowstone is completely empty except for Woody Harrelson, who seemed even more stoned than usual.  He warned them about 2012 and the world ending and things like that and they saw some dried up lake or something with dead animals in it (still no bears) and at some point lots of things started happening involving the Earth being too hot and stuff.  Earthquakes are happening everywhere and the  mom/ex-wife (who is so annoying that I all wanna do is spork her in the ovarnads) almost dies when the grocery store splits in half in the cereal isle.  I was hoping she’d fall in the big crack with all those healthy, cardboardy Wheaties, but when she survived, I knew I was in for a long night.

So, California is falling apart and everyone’s freaking out and Woody tells Cusack that there are spaceships someplace that the government built and that he has a map.  Then Woody goes off to let the Earth kill him because he’s high as a kite and when you’re high as a kite, that idea probably sounds super cool.  Then Cusack gets the map and gets the annoying ex-wife and her boyfriend and an airplane (not necessarily in that order) and they fly away from California as everything is literally erupting, exploding and falling down right behind them.  They fly somewhere like Vegas or something and get into a bigger plane somehow, but I forget how because I was fidgety and wandering around the house a bit, but I do know that some Russian people were on the plane too.  And a dog.

So they fly China to find the ships and there are a few side-stories with a bunch of people in India, China and Washington that I couldn’t possibly keep up with, because the director was obviously already asking way too much of me to expect that I could even manage to keep up with the Cusacks.  But I do know that Danny Glover was the President and that irritated me because first of all he talks in a weird whisper and I am fairly certain that the American people would never elect anyone who talks in a whisper, and also because he once made a movie in which he was stuck on a bomb on a toilet while going poops, and once I’ve seen you taking a dump I can never accept you as my President.

Anyhow, after what seems like forever they get to China and they find the spaceships which are really some kind of Arks and there are people taking animals to the arks, which is a story line that they totally stole from The Bible, and there are giraffes involved and I wonder where they came from because I thought giraffes live in Africa not China, but maybe the ark people broke into the zoo or something?  And I am just hoping and praying that the people that are in charge of the animals get some finger monkeys and teacup pigs because (a) I can’t imagine a world without them, and (b) they are tiny enough that they could fit an entire colony of them on the arks and they would cheer people up, because even if you are one of the lucky ones that made it onto the giant arks you are still gonna be depressed because the whole world fell apart and you are crammed into an airtight ark with lots of annoying people and stinky giraffes.

So lots of crap happens and they almost don’t make it onto an ark but then they do. Then somehow the boyfriend dies and two of the Russians die and Cusack almost dies but he doesn’t, which kinda made me mad because after 2 1/2 hours, a glass of wine and two Benadryl’s, I was wanting him to either hold a boom box over his head or go ahead and die already.  Then I notice it’s over and the people are all on  the deck of the ark, surrounded by water and I mention to The Hub that they can’t live on there too long without running out of food and water, and he said that they were going to Africa because Africa survived and didn’t I see that part?  Which I didn’t due to the fact that I was in an intense text conversation with my friend Kim at the time.  So the ark’s headed to Africa, which means that instead of dying from the earthquakes and stuff, everyone is gonna die of malaria or lack of clean water or army ants or get killed by those mean African Guerillas or whatever. It also means that they didn’t even need those damn giraffes taking up room on the ark, because one thing I know about Africa is that it’s full of giraffes, but not tiny monkeys or teacup pigs, because I know for a fact that tiny finger monkeys come from the Amazon, which is in South America, and I am pretty sure the teacup pigs come from Heaven.

Although I am sure that I now have brain damage from this movie, I can still think enough to know that now The Hub has to buy me two pigs and two finger monkeys so that I can re-populate the Earth in 2012.  Those mofo giraffes can suck it.

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8 Responses to “Lloyd Dobler Rules. John Cusack drools.”

  1. MelMom Said:

    i’m so glad you wrote this one. we get netflix and have had 2012 in our house since march 4th (i just checked to see how long it’s been accumulating dust). it goes back in the mail today.

  2. Jo Said:

    John in 2012, not so good…
    John in Hot Tub Time Machine- Hilarious! but purely for adult eyes only!

  3. Anonymous Said:

    “…and I am pretty sure teacup pigs come from Heaven.”

    I laughed so hard I farted. Thank you.

  4. Anonymous Said:

    Agreed! The movie was horrible. My extreme love for John Cusack couldn’t even make me pretend the movie was good.

    Also…I kept expecting Danny Glover to say “I’m getting too old for this sh*t”. And I was actually sad that he didn’t…

  5. MatureCanadian Said:

    Thanks for the honesty. Would have fallen for the Cusack connection too if it makes you feel any better. I also agree with the previous comment about “too old for this sh*t.” One of Danny Glovers’ best lines ever. Please keep up the great work, I absolutely love your blogs.. 🙂

  6. Jen Powers Said:

    This may be the most kickass hilarious thing I’ve ever read. And yes, I totally agree with you. That movie sucked donkey balls.

  7. Anonymous Said:

    “I laughed so hard I farted” made my day..too bad for me I also watched this movie…it’s worse than drugs in regards to brain damage..

  8. Mrs. Mighty Guinn Said:

    Perfect synopsis of that horrible movie! The hub loves it and watches it all the time, meanwhile I’m trying to dig my eyeballs out with a spork!

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