April 23, 2010

Just Because You’re Groovy Doesn’t Mean You Can Fight A Giant Fish

I realized something the other day that made me so sad that I could barely get out of bed and function normally.  My brain went blank on me again and made me completely forget to set my DVR to record the Made-For-TV movie, “Mega Piranha.” If you’ve seen the previews for this thing, you know why I’m so upset. This movie looked like it was just about as awesome as a movie can be, and I have proof. The movie stars Tiffany (yes, the red-headed, mall singing, “I Think We’re Alone Now” Tiffany) and Barry Williams, AKA the perpetually groovy Greg Brady. Also listed in the credits is someone named Ashley something-or-other who plays “Half-Dead Person.”If given the opportunity, THAT would be a part that I would definitely want to play.  If someone offered me the lead in Avatar or the role of “Half-Dead Person” in “Mega Piranha”, I would tell James Cameron to suck it and start practicing my half-dead faces in the mirror ASAP.

So, basically the plot of the movie is this: Something sciency happens in the Amazon to make the piranhas (which are already scary enough when they are the regular size) turn into a bunch of big-ass, psycho piranhas.  I guess they run out of Amazonians to eat, so they escape from there and head toward Florida, eating everything in their way, including but not limited to: battleships, submarines, helicopters and people.  These giant piranhas must either be ready for retirement, have an insatiable taste for old people in socks and sandals, or have read my blog about Disney World, P-Hugs and Pooh, because these fish are hell-bent on getting to The Sunshine State.  Tiff and Barry are the only hope for saving Florida, and I have to admit that I have serious doubts as to their world-saving skillz, but I think they’d definitely have a better shot if Barry were to turn into Johnny Bravo and he and Tiffany would just stand on the beach and sing a duet of “Good Time Music.” Surely that would make those bitchy pirnaha’s get their scaly asses back to South America.

Yes, I know this movie looks awful, and I know I just ragged on John Cusack last week for his terrible, horrible “2012,” but that is different.  I’m pretty sure that the people that made/starred in “2012” thought it was good.  I mean, it’s a big studio movie with a pretty decent cast. Those jackasses had no idea it sucked, and something about the prententiousness of that combined with the $37 million price tag, just pisses me off.  On the flip side, “Mega Piranha” probably cost about a hundred bucks, and the producers and cast can’t possibly have thought it was good.  That, I can get into. Although after “2012” Mr. Cusack had me pretty irked, he redeemed himself to me over the weekend when I saw him in “Hot Tub Time Machine.”  That movie is stupid, but it’s stupid with a wink, and it’s pretty damn funny. Especially when you’re sitting next to Melissa Bland who, every time something raunchy happens, covers her eyes and acts like a poodle skirt-wearing virgin from the 50’s.

To be honest, I would have possibly even enjoyed 2012 a little bit if Steve would have let me talk during it. The only fun in watching a stupid movie is being able to make fun of it.  Unfortunately, I am married to a man who (a) will watch ANYTHING from beginning to end (I once waited in a theater lobby for him because the movie we were seeing was so bad that I preferred to discuss the inner workings of the popcorn machine with some dude at concessions), and (b) will possibly kill, or at the very least, maim you if you try to talk during ANY movie or television show. When you can’t laugh about bad acting, plot holes and awful special effects, your life is just empty.

Since I am somewhat stupid but not a complete idiot, I checked my DVR guide for reruns, and there is nothing scheduled.  My greatest hope in life (aside from, finger monkeys, Rudd, and tiny pigs living in harmony with me),  is that one of my beloved readers has recorded this movie, so that I can invite myself over and watch it.  Maybe you too were intrigued, and perhaps shivering with excitement like I was, when you saw the preview.  Maybe you set your DVR in the dead of night, in secret, so as not to bring shame on yourself for your questionable, yet awesome movie tastes.  Maybe you were even crazy enough to select “Save Until Manually Erased.”  If I’m describing you in an eerily perfect way, send me an email.  I promise to keep your identity secret, at least until my next blog entry.  Send the husband and kids to a movie, and I’ll come over bearing food and Kristine Metcalf’s amazing Frogs drink.  We will bond in B-Movie paradise. and since we’re drinking Frogs, get so buzzed that we fall in love with Greg Brady all over again. Although I’m probably more likely to fall in love with a big-ass piranha, I still won’t rule it out.

-Photo#1 courtesy of dreadcentral.com
-Photo #2 courtesy of Egofreeracing.com

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One Response to “Just Because You’re Groovy Doesn’t Mean You Can Fight A Giant Fish”

  1. MelMom Said:

    **H.T.T.M. SPOILER ALERT**

    i was merely COUNTING the disgustingly awful things (which I promptly lost track of, there were so many), including but not limited to:

    1. dead fox under the hot tub cover;
    2. projectile vomit knocking a squirrel off the balcony;
    3. various nude male hot tub scenes;
    4. the hotel bellhop losing his arm in a fluke waving incident (perhaps he would have enjoyed the airborne amputee skydiving festival)

    and that’s just off the top of my head.

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