March 12, 2010

One Man’s Junk IsThis Woman’s “WTF?”

Today my friend Anne took me to a fascinating and very dusty place called Texas Junk Company, which is downtown on the corner of some street that begins with a “W” and another street that doesn’t. When she asked me to go I could not have been more on board. I have always wanted to go to a male strip club, and from the name I just assumed that’s what is was. So I grabbed a handful of one dollar bills and off I went. Upon arrival, I discovered that much to my surprise, the “Junk” in the title refers to actual junk, as in Sanford and Son’s junk, and not “Junk” as in a man’s middle place. Although initially saddened by this discovery, I soon accepted the truth of the matter, because I, more than anyone, love a good Flea Market.

Unfortunately, A Flea Market would be too fancy a term for what this place was. But instead of going on and on about it, I am going to do a little Show-And-Tell, because I love Show-And-Tell and I haven’t done one since the 6th grade when I Showed-And-Telled the whole neighborhood the sex book I found in my parents closet. Anyway, let us commence with the Showing and Telling:

Here it is, folks. Photographic evidence as to why clowns should not be allowed to procreate. As if grown-up sized clowns aren’t scary enough, we certainly don’t need to be overrun by these
tiny, frightening creatures. I shudder.

This, my friends, is a giant dried up cow poop. Upon closer inspection you may notice that it is flanked on either side by more goodies…On the left: A trophy with a cross on it, that I guess someone got for winning some kind of Good Christian Contest, then pawned to the junk store for drug or prostitute money. And on the right: A tiny teddy bear with a hat on it. You’re probably asking yourself what kind’ve cash you can make in the dried up animal poop market. Unfortunately it didn’t have a price tag on it, although from looking at the tags on some of the other items, I am guessing about $50.00 a poop. This could be a new business venture for me….

This is a metal cut-out/statue of some sort of something that is human-like, yet not. Upon first glance, I thought it was an Indian doing a rain dance. Then I thought maybe it was Squidward, Gonzo, or Jar Jar Binks. Then I realized that it has either giant calves or go-go boots on its legs, as well as some kind of fishing bobber dangling under its crotch. These discoveries combined with the fact that it looks like it has a ponytail, lead me to believe it may be a Drag Queen who got in some sort of fishing accident. It does only have one arm though, so maybe whatever it is, it can go to the Amputee Skydiving Festival.

This is a photo of Anne that I’m sure she will kick my ass for posting on here. Anne is modeling a metal colander with fake fern leaves glued all over it. We had to assume it was meant to be head wear, since the plastic plants and hot glue made it impossible to drain pasta in. BUT I am not a world traveler, so for all I know this is what tribal jungle people use to strain their ravioli. Although we could not agree as to why this item would exist, it makes my world a little brighter to know that it does, and that I can convince my friend to wear it on her head.

This is either a gallon-size milk jug getting ready for a potato sack race, or a gallon size milk jug that’s in the witness protection program. He either went off to milk summer camp and enjoyed the races so much he kept the sack as a souvenir, or he witnessed something very bad in a very scary and dangerous refrigerator somewhere. Either way, I totally dig it.

Yep, this is a cherub. But this little guys seemed to be posing just a little too sexy for a cherub. Then I had a 1970’s flashback and it all came together: (See Below)

This is a little cast-iron skillet with a goose in it. I know people eat goose, but why anyone would put a goose in the skillet while it was still alive and sitting on a nest full of eggs, is beyond me.

This last photo is obviously of me. Although I don’t look happy, I am, because I’ve finally found a way to lose weight the fast and easy way. This amazing machine has a belt that “gently vibrates” the fat right off your body. At least that’s what it’s supposed to do. What I think it really does is not so gently melts the fat off by causing hot friction burns to your midsection. Burn or no burns, I’ll take it, because anything’s better than exercise.

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One Response to “One Man’s Junk IsThis Woman’s “WTF?””

  1. Christina Culver Lawrence Said:

    My great grandparents had one of those belt machines in their basement I used to love playing with that stupid thing!

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