March 1, 2010

It’s a Fanny Pack World After All!

This week my excuse for lack of blog entries is that I was on vacation. Well, if you call walking approximately 20 miles per day, waiting in lines with smelly people, and subsisting on a diet comprised soley of burgers, fries, cokes, cookies and various cream-based desserts vacationing. Last week I was in the world called Disney, but which I now prefer to call Fanny Pack World. Sure there are cuddly cartoon creatures at every turn, but the fanny packs outnumber them by at least 100 to 1. I have seen many fanny packs in my time on this earth but never had I seen such variety of color, material and size. Did you know that there exists in this world a fanny pack comprised of TWO drink holders as well as THREE levels of zipper pouches that have more than enough room in which to carry a variety of snacks, your Disney Bucks, your Disney Character Autograph Book, your cholesterol/blood pressure meds, as well as your sadness, loneliness, and your shattered dreams of ever being cool? It’s fannypacktastic.

In addition to a abnormal amount of Fanny Packs, Disney World is being overrun by mobility scooters. There were honestly many times in which I feared for my life due to the amount of scooters zipping around the park. Having been run over by an old person on a scooter before, The Boy was riddled with flashbacks for much of our time in the kingdom. In all actuality, I find most of the old people on their scooters to be pretty cute, but I do think they need to pass some sort of scooter driving test before they are set loose in a big, busy place like Disney World, where there are thousands of small children who could end up as Magic Kingdom road kill.

Another thing that you get bombarded with at Disney World, are the smells. Some are awesome: funnel cakes, popcorn, french fries; and some are not: the bathrooms, all the babies with dirty diapers, the strange pig farm smell on the monorail, and the huge variety of general “people smells”. When standing in line in those poorly ventilated rooms with the railings that make you zig-zag like slaughterhouse cattle, believe you me, you smell alot of smells. After waiting in approximately 200 of those lines I can tell you this: America has a health crisis and thy name is extreme flatulence. In many of these lines, the toxic mixture of gas, B.O., and cheap cologne just about did me in. Since I have an extremely sensitive nose, I was affected hundredfold. In fact, I am still having nightmares and some sort of arm spasm that I’m quite sure are side-effects of inhaling noxious fumes.

Aside from those gripes, I had an amazing time in Disney World. I am a sucker for a good ride, and the since the lines were relatively fast-moving and the rides worth the wait time, we were all happy. I do have to say that in a contest between Disneyland and Disney World, I prefer the land. I can’t really explain why exactly, but I think that part of it is that there is just a different vibe to Disneyland, the people watching is more interesting and less fanny-centric, and the weather more agreeable. The only downside about Disneyland is that after finally getting to the front of the Peter Pan line, they stop you and give your magical flying ship to Kobe Bryant, whose wife, in a complete 180 to Disney World attire, was wearing a white pantsuit and heels. Stupid? Extremely. Preferable to the fanny packs and sweats? Absolutely.

That is the end of my Disney World gripes. Later this week I will tell you the more personal aspects of our vacation: The laughter, the tears, and yes….the barf. Stay tuned!

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2 Responses to “It’s a Fanny Pack World After All!”

  1. Leslie Said:

    I completely agree. Just because someone is obese does not mean they are handicapped and need a scooter. The most annoying thing was having an obese person cut in front in line because they were “handicapped”. They’re not handicapped, they’re fat!

  2. shansafan Said:

    Agree! Obesity is the result of a food addiction NOT a disability!! And I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a fat person on a scooter/hover-round that was NOT an asshole! (I guess fat non-walking scooter-riding assholes like to vacation just like the rest of us!!)
    Blog on, gorgeous!

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