March 8, 2010

Insert Funny, Yet Terribly Inappropriate And Politically Incorrect Title Here


I wasn’t planning on writing a blog today, but last night I made a major discovery that I have to share. After going google crazy looking for a teacup pig (which I have been trying to convince Steve that I need just as much as I need air), I went on a search for Spring Festivals in the Houston area. Even though at this time of year my allergies make me want to live in a plastic bubble, this girl likes a good festival. Just the slim chance that there may be either a funnel cake or a fried Oreo on site, makes the runny nose and itchy eyes worth it. Anyway, while looking through the list of events, one in particular caught my eye: The Airborne Amputee Skydiving Festival.

Now, my first thought was “Is this a festival to celebrate people who lost their limbs in skydiving related accidents?” But that sounded a little too specific. If you were gonna throw an amputee festival, it should be for all amputees, because if you have a different festival for each type of accident, that is gonna blow the amputee festival budget real quick. Upon reading the information, I found out that it is an event in which the amputees will actually be skydiving. I suppose that this skydiving company thinks that if you’ve lost a limb, you’ve also lost your mind and are now just living on the edge, doing crazy life-threatening things because without a leg, you have no reason to live. My thought is this: If you’ve already lost a limb or two accidentally, why not take every precaution to protect the leftovers?

While the cost of the skydive is $150.00 for those of us with all of our limbs, it is free for amputees. Well, at least there’s that. I have my suspicions that this is all a bad idea. For one thing, what if you’ve lost a leg, or even two…how do you stick the landing? For another thing, what if you’ve lost one or both arms…how do you pull the cord that makes your chute open? Are the amputees asking these important questions? Also, what if you’re missing a finger or a toe? Do you still get to skydive for free or do you just get a small discount, say 10% per digit? I need specifics, people!

I am feeling like I need to attend, if for no other reason than to make sure that things are on the up and up. I want to be positive that these people are volunteering to do this, and aren’t being coerced in any way by “skydivers” who get their rocks off by tossing helpless people out of planes. Plus, I did notice that the website mentioned a Spaghetti Eating Contest, and I immediately realized that this is a bad idea as well. I don’t know about you, but I have 2 hands and I can barely eat spaghetti. I am pretty sure these people need me. Although the website said nothing about fried Oreos, I am willing to put my needs aside if it might save a life, or at the very least, save someone from the mess of being forced to eat spaghetti with no hands.
* I cannot control the thoughts that go through my head, and I never mean to be offensive to anyone in any way (except for Brooke Shields–See October ’09). If you or a loved one has lost a limb, I am sorry for your loss, and I sincerely hope that nobody forces you to go skydiving or eat spaghetti. If they do I’m here for you, and I have legs, so I can kick some ass.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Email

2 Responses to “Insert Funny, Yet Terribly Inappropriate And Politically Incorrect Title Here”

  1. MelMom Said:

    read this one aloud to wayne (with the kids in the room – probably not a good idea. good thing they were distracted by tom & jerry). he wet himself, too.

  2. Damn Sam Said:

    Holy shit, I actually had to get up and walk away during this one….I needed my puffer!

Leave a Comment




Comments are moderated, if it doesn't show immediately, please wait. Thank you!

Don't have a Gravatar? (the small photo that shows up when you make a comment). Get one here, it's FREE: Sign up for a free Gravatar

 

Content security powered by Jaspreet Chahal