February 17, 2010

Alice Can Suck It…Patti’s Been To The REAL Wonderland!

I know, I know, I’ve totally sucked as a blog hostess lately, but I’ve been kind’ve bored with myself. I can hear you all gasping right now, but it’s true. Sometimes even I get sick of me. The weirdness that you read on here once or twice a week is what is CONSTANTLY streaming through my head all day every day. I can be a bit much for me to take. Between trying to get some time away from myself, trying to plan a vacation, and trying to thoroughly investigate all leads as to who poisoned me a little over a week ago (Yes, perp…I’m still on the case), I have been neglecting the blog. That is, until today. Today I am going to tell you about my “Happy Place”. My Mecca. The Renee Zellweger to my Tom Cruise. The place that completes me. The Drag Bar.

Since I am a nice, responsible, suburban wife and mother, I don’t get out too often, unless you want to count trips to school, Target, HEB, as well as the occasional Dr.’s appointment, which I really try to avoid since every time I go they either diagnose me with some rare or old person disease, or suggest we do some sort of surgery on something or another. Just for kicks, I am convinced. Anyway, the point is that I don’t get out much. Well, at least I didn’t until last Saturday night when I made my pilgrimage to paradise.

So, me and three of my more adventurous friends decided to enlighten ourselves as to the various types of entertainment that the city of Houston has to offer. Did you mom’s know that Houston has more than a zoo, an aquarium, McDonald’s Playplace’s and Chuck E. Cheese’s? Neither did I! But let me tell you this: There is a whole other world out there. A world in which instead of putting on their jammies at 6 PM people actually go out in public after 10 PM. You heard me right. Now that I am all hip, I know that nothing exciting happens before 10 PM. And here I was, deep in oblivious REM sleep while amazing things were happening all around me! Amazing things, indeed.

In what was a complete and utter shock to my old-lady system, we actually went someplace at 11:00 PM. My body was confused and trying to rebel, but I fought that with plenty of pre-adventure vitamins and caffeine, and it worked. So at 11 o’clock on Saturday, February the 13th, I entered the bar of my dreams. Like most of you, I have seen the drag bar in “The Birdcage” and reveled in it’s awesome glory, but never have I been to a real one before. I can tell you this, people: It is Heaven. My name is Patti Ford and I love Drag Queen’s. All shapes, sizes, colors, musical styles. I. Love. It. All. Exclamation Point!

Some of you may be shaking your heads right now, thinking that there’s no way you would like this kind of place. But let me tell you this: You will. If you are a subscriber to my blog, I have to assume, right off the bat, that you are a bit crazy. A tad wacky. Maybe just a little left of center. If you’re not, then you will be when I get done with you. Anyway, in my opinion, there is no way you wouldn’t like it there. Not if you are a person with any sense of adventure, sense of wonder and sense of humor.

Some of the performers were beautiful, others were, well…not. But they were all awesome in their own special ways. Each of those ladies gave it their all, and you couldn’t help but cheer them on. I found myself wishing I could perform. My lead song choices would be the crowd-pleasing and oh-so-appropriate “Dancing Queen” and a wink-wink version of “Man, I Feel Like A Woman,” followed by a soulful rendition of the ultimate epitome of cheesy 70’s ballads, “I’ve Never Been To Me”. I would wear satin and sequins. Lots and lots of sequins. Maybe even some sort of feathery headpiece! I could definitely pass as a man passing as a woman, due to my height, shoe size and mannish walk. I could even use my neck scar for entertainment value once again, by saying that I had Adam’s Apple Removal Surgery, or a Manapple-ectomy, if you want to use the professional term I just now made up. Performing at a regular bar I may be on the mid to lower end of the hotness scale, but at a drag bar? At a drag bar I could be a 10 (okay, maybe an 8)!! Even if I were a 1, the crowd would support me, cheer for me, give me dollar bills while fully clothed, because that’s the kind of place this is. It’s an amazing place. A place where you are accepted for who you are. A place where everyone just wants to have a good time. And that, my friends, is a happy place.

Me: After going through RuPaul’s Dragulator. I am gorgeous!!

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One Response to “Alice Can Suck It…Patti’s Been To The REAL Wonderland!”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    Wow! I can’t believe you’ve never been to a drag bar!?! Glad to hear you’ve finally experienced it, then! It is a happy happy joy joy place. Wish there was live footage of your expression when the show first started.

    -Carissa

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