February 10, 2010

Law And Order: Patti Poisoning Unit (doink! doink!)

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been MIA for a week, due to what I am positive was the single worst case of food poisoning EVER. Remember a few years ago when Wendy’s or Jack In The Box or Burger King or one of those places made everyone sick with bad burgers? Mine was worse than that. It was as if I had eaten each and every one of those poisonous burgers myself. And yes, Steve, it was worse than your Boston Market incident of ’96. Don’t argue with me. Anyway, it’s been five days now and I’m almost feeling like myself again, although I’m still having some pretty severe flashbacks. I’ve been to the dark side, people. I’ve been to the dark side and I’ve seen some things, and those things stay with you.

Because I do not want this crisis to ever befall me again, I’ve been trying to retrace my steps so I can figure out who/what did this to me, and I have come up with five possible scenarios:

1) “Friend” Poisoning. I met my friend Lee for lunch at a restaurant that SHE suggested. A restaurant that SHE likes. A restaurant which I have only been to one time, years ago. At the restaurant in question, I had the lettuce wraps, an item which SHE thought I would enjoy. An item that SHE DID NOT have herself. During said dinner, SHE INSISTED I try a dipping sauce that she said was “delicious”. Whether or not she tasted this as well, I cannot say. I never witnessed her doing so. Suspicious? On so many levels…

2) Box Of Crap. As you may have read in last week’s blog, I received a B.O.C from my childhood friend, John. While I am quite positive that John was just being his funny, quirky self by sending me this B.O.C., I have suspicions that something evil may have happened. I don’t want to point fingers here, but let’s just say that John has a wife and sometimes wives don’t like their husband’s to have female friends. Add to that the fact that the news media is always telling us about various chemical agents that can be put into envelopes and mailed. Add to that the fact that when I opened that B.O.C there was quite a bit of what I thought at the time to be dust and/or cigarette ash floating around. Top that off with the fact that a chemical poisoning can have the same symptoms as severe food poisoning (or so I assume). Mix all those facts together, and things start to look a little sinister…do they not?

3) Blog hate. I know, I know, this idea seems pretty far-fetched, but for the sake of argument let’s pretend that someone out there really hates my blog. Maybe someone really, really loves Brooke Shields, despises the word “funky” and (gasp) hates Paul Rudd. Maybe, just maybe, this person went off the deep end when I said that I like the book “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” (that book can definitely be polarizing), and they decided to try and do me in. Maybe they snuck into my house and poisoned my food, or my toothbrush, or (assuming they were a super-genius) my wine! The plot thickens…

4) Roomba. As my long time readers know, she used to be my little round cleaning angel and now she’s like my bitchy, self-absorbed teenage daughter. Since I was such a handful for my mom, and I don’t have a daughter to give me paybacks, god is punishing me through Roomba. Does she hate me that much? I think so. And ponder this: she has the ability to suck up dust, or dust-like substances, as well as blow them out. Could she potentially sneak out at night, head to the seedy part of town, score some “angel dust” or some other powdery drug that could induce severe vomiting, then roll back home and sneak in under the cover of night and sprinkle that “dust” onto some of my personal belongings? Hell. Yes.

5) Running. I just have to assume that running could potentially shoulder the blame for this. I haven’t quite ironed out the details , but I’m not taking it off the list just yet.

So there you have it. My five genius theories for why I was so sick last week. If you have any information that could lead to the proving or disproving of any of the five scenarios, please submit it to myself, or the local authorities, ASAP. I will be working diligently to solve this case, as soon as my brain is back to it’s full intellectual abilities, which may or may not happen any time soon. For that reason, any help you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Until I nab the perp, I will live in fear of pretty much everything.

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