January 2, 2010

My 13 Days of Christmas

Forgive me, people. I haven’t written anything in 2 weeks, and I am so congested that all of my neurons are not firing, so my first blog entry of the new year may be lacking a bit of zing. Anyway, I have chronicled my 13 days of Christmas vacation, so when you see me don’t ask me how it was, because this, my friends, is how it was:

Day 1-After Ethan’s class Holiday Party, we drove to a hotel just North of Dallas. On the way we passed a restaurant called “Twin Peaks”. I decided to google this, as I have never heard of it before. As I suspected, it is a big-boobied waitress establishment whose website claims “Eats, Drinks, and Scenic Views, as well as Twice The Fun of Other Restaurants!” And I thought Hooters was tacky.

Day 2-We drive another 6 hours. I realize that the drive through Oklahoma is mind-numbingly boring, and I am amazed to discover that we could get absolutely no radio stations. You’d think we’d at least get some bad country station, but you’d be wrong. To pass the time I decided to use a point system to judge the various fields of cattle. Size, color, shininess of their coats, how many were laying vs. how many were standing…these were all things I took into consideration before handing out any final numbers. Riveting stuff. Anyway, we got to my mom’s house in Springfield and had a big old pot of ham and beans (yum), and made the discovery that one of my sister’s was sick. (This will come into play later)

Day 3-Family Christmas at my Uncle Larry’s house, where I had the most delicious mulligatawny. It was during this family function that my Aunt Billie asked me if I watched Chelsea Lately (hells yeah), and asked what one of the regular panelists names was, to which I replied “Oh, you mean that ugly one with the brown hair”, to which Billie replied, “Well, I was gonna say she reminds me of you”, to which I replied “What a nice person would have done in this situation, when the person said the girl in question was ugly, is to make a quick change of plans and decide to keep your mouth shut and not tell the person that they remind you of that girl, but instead keep that information to yourself to spare the feelings of that person.” But I did also tell her that this outspoken and honest quality is what I love most about her. She did try to salvage the situation by saying that it is the ugly girl’s mannerisms that remind her of me, and not her face. Too late. Damage done.

Also at this Family Christmas was my Aunt Bengie, who happened to be infested with sick germs. (This will also come into play later)

Day 4- Went to lunch at my favorite Mexican place and had a puffy taco. I can’t even describe in words, the sheer pleasure of eating a Maria’s puffy taco. Went to see a lame movie, but it had Hugh Grant, so it was watchable. Went to my best friend Kim’s house for dinner. Kim informed me that the local sex toy shop has been advertising a “Cash For Clunkers” vibrator sale. True story. We found this hysterical, yet disturbing.

Day 5-Last day in Springfield. Had pizza at my favorite pizza place with my mom, who had to leave early because one of my sister’s had to go the ER after a fall at work. I guess I am a bad sister because I finished my pizza, then left town to go to Kansas City. Everything was fine…1 stitch in the lip, so although I may be a bad sister, I don’t think I am terrible. Anyway, I had my turn behind the wheel for the 3 1/2 hour trip. I am a major singer/dancer when I am doing the driving, as this keeps me perky and attentive. But, for some reason my husband decided to turn off the music and force me to endure what could possibly be the most horrifyingly boring, brain-melting experience of my entire life, including all those childhood Sunday’s sitting in church: Steve made me listen to some terrible history podcast that he found to be “very interesting” but nearly made me kill us all by driving off a cliff. In case you didn’t know, my husband is a nerd.

Day 6-I felt like crap. Trace the cause back to sick sister and sick aunt. Bitches.

Day 7-(Christmas Eve) Since I still felt like crap, Steve took me to Urgent Care where it was discovered that I had Strep Throat, which is a disease that only myself and Elementary School children seem to get. I got loaded up on antibiotics, lozenges and Nyquil. It also snowed and iced all day and night until we had at least 8 inches. It was also insanely windy and about 15 degrees, but I was high as a kite on cold meds, so none of this mattered to me.

Day 8-(Christmas Day) Still felt like crap, but got presents.

Day 9-Still felt like crap. Still blizzard conditions, but put our lives in the hands of Steve’s dad to get us to Des Moines for yet another Family Christmas. I was in such a medicated fog that I doubt I would have felt any injuries incurred were we to have a weather-related automobile accident anyway. Things I learned on this trip: Nobody has a bladder as small as mine, Ethan talks even more than I do, and Steve’s dad owns a Garmin, yet does not trust the Garmin, choosing instead to believe that the Garmin is nothing more than a tool to lead us into the wrong neighborhood so that we can be robbed and our car stripped of its tires…at least that’s my best guess.

Things that happen at this Family Christmas: I spend most of the evening talking with Steve’s 20-year-old cousin Jacob, because I am honestly so immature that he is the one I connect with the most. Ethan gets an ear infection (Big shout out to Dr. Cousin Eric for helping us with that one. See Eric…your dream was to make it into my blog and here you are. FYI: The more drugs you supply me with, the more I will include you in my blog in the future). I also learn that Steve’s Uncle Doug has said that he likes my blog and my “acerbic wit.” Steve’s mom says that she doesn’t think this is positive, and since I am too dumb to define the word acerbic, I looked it up and found out that it is defined as “harsh or severe, as of temper or expression.” So Doug, I don’t take that as a compliment and you have also made it into my blog, but not for good reasons like your son, Dr. Cousin Eric.

Day 10- Feel like medium crap. Last day in Iowa. I take the elevator down to the hotel breakfast room thinking about how last year there was a whole slew of people in there in their pajamas, and how I didn’t think it was appropriate to go into hotel common areas in your pajamas, and how I might mention that in my blog, and then when I get to the breakfast room I see that Steve’s sister is there in her pajamas and so I briefly re-think my idea to write about this in my blog, then obviously, I change my mind.

That night, during a game of Charades, my niece, Jillian does Aunt Pat Pat (me) and this is what we get:

What does this say about me??

Day 11-Back in Missouri. Still feel like medium crap. Drug myself up on sinus meds. Celebrate Steve’s 40th birthday by going bowling. Steve rents me size 16 shoes to try and be all cute and funny about how big my feet are (size 10). Ha ha. If I wasn’t so weak and spacey from the cold meds I would definitely take that size 16 shoe and smack Steve over the head with it, but because I am such a good sport even when I feel like dying, I pose in the giant shoes for the following photo, and am slightly disappointed to see that they really don’t look that out of proportion with my giant body.

Day 12-Do my first “Sinus Rinse”, which is a misleadingly gentle name to put on the box for something that, in all actuality, shoots salt water into your brain at approximately 500 mph. I find it slightly painful and panic-inducing, but feel a bit better. Steve and I go see Avatar and I discover 2 things: #1) That Sam Worthington is one hot piece of man-meat, and #2) I found myself wishing that I had a body like one of those 10-foot-tall blue Na’vi women, even though they have tails. A tail is a small price to pay for that tiny waist and those long legs. Plus, Sam Worthington is hot for blue chicks with tails.

Day 13-Day 1 of the drive back to Houston. This time we drive through Kansas and Oklahoma. I have trouble deciding which state is more boring to drive through, and I get angry that neither one has any decent radio stations. We stop at a gas station somewhere in Oklahoma and although the bathroom was clean, I am 99% sure there is now video of my going peeps somewhere on the internet. I just got that vibe.

Day 14-(New Years Eve) Day 2 of drive back to Houston. The drive from Dallas to Houston seems about 10 times longer than it actually is. At least we have radio stations. We hear that ELO song “Don’t Bring Me Down”, and Steve and I wonder why some guy named Bruce is bringing them down. Who is this Bruce and why don’t they just kick his ass? We also hear Elton John’s “Hold Me Closer Tony Danza” and we wonder when that affair took place and how we managed to miss out on the information that Tony was gay. It does make his house-keeping “Who’s The Boss” character much more believable when you have all the facts.

We arrive home. I am still congested and tired, yet so happy to be able to spend a cozy night in my own bed. We go to bed around 10:30, but unfortunately some douchebags behind us are setting off fireworks, which seemed cool earlier in the evening, but are now completely annoying. Since it’s New Years Eve, I try to deal with it. By midnight I am sure I hear the finale and will now be able to get some sleep. Unfortunately, they still had a buttload of fireworks left. By 1:30 am I was on the computer posting a funny yet slightly psychotic rant on our neighborhood women’s group. I believe I mentioned manslaughter with a roman candle and I may have said I was going to make a voodoo doll of the perps, but I was high on Tylenol pm and it was late and I can’t be held responsible for what I may or may not have written. By 2 am I was finally asleep, but was awakened many times during the night by Steve’s newly adopted snoring habit, until finally he went to the couch around 6 am, I assume because he was tired of getting gently “tapped” by me. I slept until about 10:3o am due to the fact that I didn’t take the Tylenol PM until 1 am. I awakened assuming that Steve and Ethan were scared that I had slipped into some sort of Strep Throat-induced coma, but they were doing their own things, oblivious to the fact that I had yet to get out of bed. Boy, I feel loved.

So there you have it. My exciting Christmas vacation. Don’t be jealous. Not everyone can have my life.

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One Response to “My 13 Days of Christmas”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    I have spent an entire day reading your posts and think you are hilarious! I live right outside of Springfield and the next time you are in town think we need to have a puffy taco together!

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