December 13, 2009


I’m a wife, mom, blogger, cook, cat box scooper, and dirty underwear picker upper. In my spare time I run a Girl Scout Fight Club, a charity called Handies for Hobos, and a unicorn ranch called The Ranchicorn. When I’m all hopped up on too much coffee, I perform musicals for my cat and practice my Karate Kid Crane Kick. Someday I hope to own a miniature donkey that I can dress up like a dandy English gentleman. I will call this donkey Lord Dudesbury Donkelson III. I am a co-author of the NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER I Just Want To Pee Alone. I am currently working on a book of completely ridiculous essays that, due to focus issues, I may or may not ever finish.

The best way to get to know me is by reading the thing that I wrote when I got a summons for jury duty:


I talk too much. And if you tell me I am not allowed to talk, I can pretty much guarantee that I’m gonna talk more.

I am very irresponsible. The first day I brought my son home from the hospital I forgot to feed him. When he wouldn’t stop crying I thought he was just an asshole.

I am obsessed with drag queens and if one was accused of a crime and I was a juror, I’d probably let her off. Or at least go on The Lam with her and start a new life with fake names and everything and lots of moving from town to town. And since drag queens are much more feminine than me, she’d pretend to be the wife and I’d have to cut my hair and pretend to be the husband and my name would be Herbert:

I used to be a criminal. I once stole a big canister of Slim Jim’s from TG&Y. And one time when Cheryl Figgenspan wouldn’t let me borrow her little plastic frying pan with rubber eggs in it (sunny side up!) I put it in my pocket and took it home with me.

I am not above lying if backed into a corner. When Cheryl Figgenspan’s mom called my mom to say that I stole the frying pan, I accused the entire Figgenspan family of trying to frame me.

The other day, for no reason at all, and even though I have an allergy to cat fur, I brushed my cat and made Wilford Brimley eyebrows out of her fur and taped them to my face and made my sister do it as well:

I want to tattoo Wonder Woman’s costume onto my body, because (a) It’s awesome, (b) I won’t have to wear clothes if I don’t want to because I will always be dressed. I know that this will work because when I was 9 I used my crayon soaps to color a wonder woman costume onto my body and then ran around the house and nobody seemed to notice that I was totally nude.

I cuss a lot. If you tell me not to cuss I can pretty much guarantee that I will probably cuss more.

I have a pet peanut that looks like a bird and his name is Nutbird and he lives in one of my houseplants:

I am forgetful. I once took my son all the way to the zoo but forgot to put his shoes or pants on.

I am a daydreamer and a terrible listener. Here’s how it will go down: Annoying D-Bag Lawyer: “Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I present to you a man who…”  What’s going on in My Brain: “Man, if I had a Unicorn I would name him Lord Burgess Atwood and I would train him to come when I sing ‘U Can’t Touch This’, which I would totally sing right now, and he would come get me out of this juror box thingy and I would jump on his back and tell everyone ‘It’s Hammer Time, bitches’, and Lord Burgess would fart a rainbow and we’d slide on it all the way to Baskin Robbins and I’d get the S’Mores ice cream in a waffle cone and Burgey would get Bubble Gum in a dish cuz he can’t hold a cone cuz duh, unicorns don’t have hands.”

I once went to Target Portrait Studio to get this photo taken:

One time I walked all through Target with a pair of underwear stuck to the back of my shirt. And once I discovered it was there, I really didn’t care.

I totally believe in ghosts and I’m not above bringing one with me to court. I also believe in Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra’s and Vampires.

I have a really big mouth and I can in no way promise that I can keep the details of any case secret.

I am obviously unstable.

I think this is completely appropriate attire for jury duty:

If I were told to not wear that outfit, I would probably wear my graduation robe.  If the judge gets to wear a robe, I get to wear a robe. And on the back I will iron-on the words “#1 Robe Wearer” so the judge knows that as far as rockin’ big dumb robes goes, I totally win.

Unless one of the lawyers looks like Matthew McConaughey, I’m not gonna be paying any attention.

I’m pretty sure that Judge Judy is the only person capable of properly handling a courtroom.

I sometimes do karate for my cat. I also perform scenes from musicals. She seems to really enjoy it.

I can almost guarantee that at some point I would have to yell “I object!”

My bladder is the size of a raisin and I require lots of pee breaks. If I am denied pee breaks, I will find it necessary to wear a diaper or pee in a bottle which will be extremely messy since my husband did not buy me The Whiz.

I wear a wrist brace which I will tell everyone is from hurting my hand giving too many handy-j’s to strangers in the alley, but is really from beating up hobos for sport.

I’m pretty sure that the other jurors will want to kill me, so if you choose me you risk having another murder on your hands, plus another trial, plus more taxpayer money, plus a need for more jurors. It’s an endless cycle.

I would be totally easy to bribe. All it would take is some guacamole and a margarita.

I think Charlie Sheen is some kind of evil genius.

I believe that PMS is an excuse for anything.

Did I mention that I write this blog?

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Email

34 Responses to “ABOUT ME”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    i LOVE this blog!

  2. Fruitloopmum Said:

    Love the blog, love it! You been peeking inside my head??

  3. heyjudi Said:

    Just found this online today and IMMEDIATELY thought of you:

  4. Anonymous Said:

    i absolutely love you and i dont even know who you are, well actually i think i know enough about you so far that i know your personal life pretty well, but not in some creepy way. i have a daughter who just turned one and yells stop! at everyone when they make her mad. she also dances to britney spears, and that right there proves im going to have a hard time. i went camping one time and then decided against getting out of the car. i was pms-ing, on the rag and since every specie of dangerous animal was there that they would smell me and i’d be fucked. just thought id put that out there, ive got nothing to lose right?

  5. Carpool Goddess Said:

    Just found your blog and I’m LOVING IT! Never laughed so hard 🙂

  6. Anonymous Said:

    You’re funny…but you know that! I can’t stop laughing at your “about me” list….its oddly familiar to me! Drag queens, carnies and kathy griffin..I’m lovin’ it all!!!!!:)

  7. Counting Caballeros Said:

    Thanks lady…I have been reading past posts and nearly peeing myself and totally ignoring the 4 minions and the house is trashed by aforementioned minions and now daddy is home and no dinner has been made. Seriously, he is yelling at me to get off the computer RIGHT NOW and I am ignoring him to finish this comment. I told him that the sooner he shuts up the sooner I can finish but he just keeps on going on and on and on….. So thanks for the laughs, but now I must go and order pizza or something to shut all of them up. 🙂

  8. elisamo Said:

    My husband is looking at me goofy because I’m laughing out loud and not at him this time.

  9. Hot Mess Mom Said:

    i don’t understand how I am JUST seeing/ reading/ hearing your blog. It’s a little scary as I swear people may think we are the same person posing on two different sites. Yowza. You are as random and salty as I.. and that’s not easy to come by.. You are officially on my favorites list. 😉

  10. P-Funk Said:

    Thank You HMM! I will check out your page too!

  11. Cheri Said:

    Funny @HMM I was thinking the same thing as I was reading. My Hubby has, coined me DEVIL & everyone knows it. If I were walking down the street and someone randomly yelled out,”Hey, Devil!”, I would immediately turn around. I earned that nickname ’cause of my saltiness. @Patti, I thoroughly enjoy reading about your life *live*. Not only is it really good shit, it is good shit that I can relate to. I do not share on a blog, I just share my randomness on my FB page. I will definitely follow your blog. You are a natural….

  12. earthmother195 Said:

    You caught my eye and made me laugh! 🙂

  13. ADAM Said:


  14. Regan. (: Said:

    I absolutely love this blog. I discovered it last night, and I don’t know how I have lived all this time without you in my life.

  15. Shaeeza Said:

    I found you only today. I guess it’s because there were so many other people out there before me, to be more accurate ~ 26, 426 persons. Keep on makin gus laugh.

  16. Anonymous Said:

    Haha I totally do number seven, in the exact way as you described. I dont know when and why I started doing. Funny

  17. Mel Said:

    LOL< too funny. I do #7 also..thought I was the only freak who did this?! You're awesome and make me laugh my ass off'd think I'd have no ass by now?!

  18. Mel Said:

    LOL, I totally thought I was the only freak who did #7..anyway, I think you’re pretty awesome and I laugh my ass off daily!

  19. Anonymous Said:

    You seem very interesting seems we should get to know each other…you think ? Steven

  20. Said:

    You are FRUCKING epic.

  21. hippie_chick Said:

    #24 – can you PLEASE Skype said party???

  22. JulieKathleen Said:

    Hi Patti,
    I know you hate plagarism and I do too. It is douchey and wrong. That’s why it is sad that I feel you plagarized my personality. Or I plagarize yours. I’m not sure. It’s a chicken/egg question that may never be solved. Granted, the a-hole creepy crawlies in my life are ants, not spiders. And I don’t have a mustache fettish, but I am obsessed with the idea of people using cheese for things other than eating. Things like carving faces and little villages with tiny angry villagers who get all mob-y over really small things, like dogs dressed as people. I use the word unicorn a lot because the idea and the word are both funny, but mermaids are my idea of the best un-mythical mythical creature ever.Un-mythical because I believe they are real. Mythical because practically no one else over the age of seven believes in them. When I was a kid I liked to build things out of cardboard but my mom wouldn’t let me close any flaps for fear of suffocation, so I just left the top open and tied pillows to my butt with a bathrobe tie and pretended I was a squirrel who didn’t speak English if anyone tried to talk to me. And the most telling thing of all (I can’t list all our similarly-different-but-almost-the-same traits but there are more)– I’ve never heard of anyone else who sleeps with their Achilles’ tendon between their toes. I do that. Not my heel because it’s too big to fit between my toes, but just a little bit up. Always. I switch back and forth though, and I will clamp on to my husband’s Achilles’ tendon with my toes and that is my way of cuddling.
    I like your blog. I’m glad you’re out there somewhere in the universe. Please do not steal Norman Reedus from me, as he has been mine since Boondock Saints. He’s even better at killing zombies. If he became a ninja, my life would be complete.
    PS: I am not TRYING to be like you or write like you. I have been like this for as long as I can remember. But mostly people think it is some kind of mental condition, when really it is a mental condition of awesomeness that I was just born with. I suspect you have the same affliction.
    PPS: If you don’t think I’m like you that’s okay too. At least it would mean I am original and not a personality plagarizing douche. I do not mean to compare myself to you in an offensive way, like when you try to pay someone a compliment by telling them they look like someone famous, and they get offended because they do not think that saying they look like Wilfred Brimley is a compliment. Which it is because Wilfred Brimley is awesome. But people don’t seem to like being told they resemble him for some reason.

  23. JulieKathleen Said:

    And I just realized I misspelled plagiarize and fetish,and that bothers me. It’s not a mistake if I realize it within ten minutes of writing it.

  24. Writers_block Said:

    you know John Denver is dead right … so if you’re seeing him, well… you believe in ghosts and all so maybe he’s following you around, hoping to change your mind about his music. Stranger things HAVE happened, I’m sure of it. 🙂

  25. spiceytuna Said:

    thank you for making me realize ‘re- enacting musicals is ok when my son cries and I have to figure something out!

  26. Anonymous Said:

    omg my ex husband would call me a freak cause i sleep with my heel in between my toes!!! hahaaha no wonder I ‘get’ your blog lol

  27. Said:

    I’m new here, great blog!

  28. Anonymous Said:

    Hey you….you are one funny chickadee! Too bad your blog wasn’t around when I was raising my kids – I could have sure used it. Now I can laugh at my mistakes, but then they caused me a huge amount of guilt becauses damnit I was supposed to be a “good” mom. I’ll keep up with your blogs now since my daughter brought you to my attention.

  29. Marius Said:

    I especially like New Girl as my favorite TV show. It’s great.

  30. Jeanne Said:

    You write the funniest shit! I am so glad I found your blog!

  31. Dez Griffin Said:

    This is the first blog I’ve ever read and now follow. You are awesome… but I’m sure you already knew that. Thanks for the laughs.

  32. Michael Ann the Magnificent Said:

    Okay, so you are living inside my head, that’s quite clear. I mean my head is not clear, it’s kinda fleshy and hairy. But anyway, this blog is super awesome and I am so glad I found it!

  33. Megan Said:

    I just found your blog and I love it! I started my own a month ago and am a little intimidated reading all these funny posts but it gives me inspiration! Keep writing, I look forward to reading more!

  34. Em Bee Said:

    I just found your blog and love it!

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated, if it doesn't show immediately, please wait. Thank you!

Don't have a Gravatar? (the small photo that shows up when you make a comment). Get one here, it's FREE: Sign up for a free Gravatar


Content security powered by Jaspreet Chahal