November 23, 2009

Because It’s Turkey Week…Stuff I’m Thankful For

1. I am Thankful that Susan Boyle lives in another country, across a large body of sharkey water. I Dreamed a Dream that she would stay there.
2. I am Thankful for wine. And beer. And margaritas. As well as the fact that I can drink them all legally, because drinking them illegally was such a pain in the butt.
3. I am Thankful for my wonderful housekeeper. Especially now that Senorita Roomba has gone rogue and is acting like a little bitch.
4. I am Thankful that JLo fell down at the VMA’s while singing a song about how hot she is in her fancy shoes and while wearing said fancy shoes. It just doesn’t get much better than that.
5. I am Thankful for Mexican food, and I think that if the Government would just relax and have a nice Taco Fiesta Night at the White House, they may just loosen up on this whole immigration laws thing.
6. Spanx
7. I am Thankful for hair color. Not that I use it or anything, but I have lots of friends who do, so I am thankful on their behalf.
8. I am Thankful for Paul Rudd. I would be even more thankful if I could make out with him just a little bit.
9. I am Thankful that Steve is good at the maths. If I had married any of my other boyfriends, we would’ve been in a heap of trouble.
10. I am Thankful that my family is full of total weirdos. It makes life much more interesting.
11. I am Thankful for The Real Housewives of Orange County. Not only because it is must-watch reality television at it’s finest, but because after each episode I feel so much better about myself.
12. I am Thankful for PEZ. I just can’t imagine a world without them.
13. Spanx
14. I am Thankful for the Arctic Monkeys, because no matter how tired or crabby I feel they make me want to dance.
15. I am Thankful for “Cougar’s” because although they think they are hot, they actually look ridiculous in their teenager clothing, heavy make-up and puffy lips. I am lucky enough to see them on a regular basis and they never cease to make me laugh.
16. I am Thankful I get to smell the following smells: Vanilla, Cinnamon, Plumeria and Lemon Verbena.
17. I am Thankful that I no longer have to smell the following smells: Poopy diapers, spit-up, and my sister Lindsy’s feet.
18. I am Thankful for my washer and dryer. If I had lived in the olden times when you had to wash your clothes in the river and beat them on a rock, I would have been one dirty, smelly pioneer woman.
19. I am thankful for Tivo because without it I wouldn’t have time to watch ANYTHING, and also, I wouldn’t be able to fast-forward through all those damn Brooke Shields commercials.
20. I am Thankful for our dry cleaning service, because not only do I not have to wash and iron all Steve’s dumb shirts, but I don’t even have to drive them to the cleaner’s. Oh, the life of a housewife.
21. I am Thankful that my OBGYN looks EXACTLY like Baby’s dad, Dr. Houseman from Dirty Dancing, because getting to say things like “Nobody puts Patti in the stirrups” makes an office visit so much more bearable.
22.I am Thankful that Steve has the ability to tune me out, because if he heard every weird thing that comes out of my mouth, he would probably realize he’s made a huge mistake, and he might try and run away.
23. Spanx
24. I am Thankful for my flat iron, because without it I would look like Roseanne Roseannadanna. Well, maybe just a touch flatter.
25. I am Thankful that Ethan likes to make up songs and sing all day long, just like his mom.
26. I am Thankful that there exists in this world, amazing individuals called “Massage Therapists” who will rub all over me in exchange for money. You make the world go ’round.
27. I am Thankful that my Mother-In-law speaks French, because today my car started yelling at me in French for no reason, and it wouldn’t shut up, and I am hoping that my M.I.L. can translate. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that it’s saying something friendly. I’ve seen “Christine” way too many times.
28. I am Thankful for the wonderfully relaxing combination of Midol and Merlot, because not only is this week PMS week, but it is also Thanksgiving week, and my house is about to be overtaken by family. Family + Lots of cooking + PMS = The Perfect Storm.

And one more Thanks to all of you for reading this nonsense. Have a great Thanksgiving!

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3 Responses to “Because It’s Turkey Week…Stuff I’m Thankful For”

  1. Becky M Said:

    haha, love it!!

  2. Anonymous Said:

    I admit it – I had to look up “Susan Boyle” and “Spanx”.

  3. Anonymous Said:

    I agree, the JLo fall was excellent entertainment. And the Real Housewives? Love it too! God, those women are so horrible!! And after you’re finished with Paul Rudd, send him my way. So cute and funny! I remember when Clueless came out and I just knew FOR SURE he was gonna blow up and be a huge movie star immediately, like Brad Pitt or someone, but then he seemed to fall off the face of the earth for awhile. I’m very glad he came back! Oh, and I’m glad you wrote the blog bitching about needing comments b/c I had somehow never even seen the comment button before. Aces! -Carissa

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