November 16, 2009
I’ve witnessed it. The first sign of the Apocalypse. That movie “2012” has everyone all in a twist about the stupid Mayan Calendar and the end of the world, but I’m here to tell you that the end is coming much sooner than 2012. Oh yes, people. I have seen the sign and thy name is Acid-Wash. And then I saw a few follow-up signs which you can file under the name’s Shoulder Pads, Jelly Shoes, Flashdance Sweatshirts and no matter how painful it is for me to say this, it’s still true… Parachute Pants.
As most of you know, I recently had a very confusing visit to Hollister, or what I have come to think of as the dark, cologne-drenched closet of a horny frat boy. One minute, you’re walking through the bright, cheery mall, and the next thing you know you feel like you’re about to get felt-up or puked on. After that disturbing trip to the mall, I had to take a mall break to get my bearings back. Last week I finally decided it was time to face my fears. My friend Jennifer went with me, because although I felt ready to go back, there was no way I was going there alone.
As we walked through the mall, we quickly realized something: somehow, our mall has turned into Teen World. All of the employees are teens and the stores seem to only offer items for teens. If your acne days are over and you have a full set of boobies, there’s not much merchandise there for you. In theory, this should make me feel old, but what is does instead, is make me feel like I’m a teenager again (At least until I try something on and realize that generally, teenager hips are a different width than mom hips). See, what’s happened is that all of the things that we teenager’s of the 80’s used to wear, are back in style. I definitely have mixed feelings about this. While part of me enjoys looking at these clothes and reminiscing (Look! That’s exactly the same sweater I wore the night John told me I was the coolest girl in school!), the more sane part realizes that this is a terrible, terrible thing. These clothes should have never come back. When I was 13 I set my legwarmers free. You know the story (you probably wrote it on your Trapper-Keeper at some point): If you love something let it go, if comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t it never was. Well, I was hoping my leg warmers would fall into the “never was” category, but since the end of days is obviously upon us, they have come back.
Instead of a mall, Jennifer and I felt like we were shopping at Goodwill, since everything was something we had previously owned. After a little bitching and moaning about the lack of clothing appropriate for those of us who actually have money, and a big old sandwich and fries from Steak Escape, we decided we would try to salvage our day by trying on some of these new (old), hip (dorky), stylish (tacky) clothes. For your enjoyment or horror, I have included a short
photo tour of our trip down memory lane. Turn up the Duran Duran, put on your toe socks, grab a can of Jolt, and go back in time:
Voguing in a puffy jacket and capri leggings, we have your Insane Mom, Patti. The jacket was flannel plaid, and contained lovely and oh-so-flattering shoulder pads, because what girl doesn’t want to look like a Lumberjack Linebacker? No boy can resist you in this casual yet sexy ensemble. Throw on your blue Dr. Scholls and hit the town girl!
Next, we have Jennifer modeling a totally awesome sweater dress. She pumped up the volume with a gorgeous, red pleather belt. Wide may be BAD for butt’s, but it’s RAD for belts!! All the boys will be after her in this foxy outfit!
Here we have Patti again. This time she’s sporting a pair of grey, peg-legged stretch jeans, which really make the purple swing top and scarf pop! She’ll be feeling totally rad tonight at John’s party. Didn’t you hear? His parents are out of town and he’s getting a keg!
Once again, we have Jennifer. This time, she looks smokin’ hot in this plaid mini-dress over black leggings. Add a pair of slouchy ankle boots, and she’ll be ready to Rock The Casbah!
Lastly, Patti models a totally bitchin’ pair of acid wash stretch jeans, paired with a vintage-inspired “Thriller” t-shirt. After she tight rolls those pant legs and throws on her Jelly Shoes, you can forget about the zombie’s, because it’s the boy’s who’ll be chasing her tonight!
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