October 27, 2009

What Is That Thing On Your Neck?

Some of you who don’t know me, have been confused about the “Ethanism” where I mentioned my neck scar. You poor, poor people. You have missed out on so much drama! Here is the lowdown:

I used to be healthy. In the 6th grade I won the perfect attendance award, which is something that only the very healthy and very geeky kids win. By high school things had changed, and I was missing way too many days, but that was due to the call of warm, sunny days, cold drinks and cute boys, and had nothing whatsoever to do with being sick. I sailed through my 20’s as well, with nothing more than allergies and a case of pneumonia. As a matter of fact, I was quite healthy until I had a baby, then my entire body turned on me.

Soon after having Ethan, I was diagnosed with PCOS and then Insulin Resistance. There were a few surgeries related to all of that, but nothing major until during one of those surgeries my Dr. had an “oops” moment and punctured through an organ accidentally. A painful exploratory surgery and repair ensued. Then after one of those surgeries, I developed Pulmonary Embolisms which almost killed me off, and sent me to the hospital for a week. After that, I had to get a CT Scan to check and make sure the clots were gone, at which point they found something suspicious near my lungs, which they thought might be lymphoma, but turned out to be a disease called Sarcoidosis, which is preferable to lymphoma. SO, I had to have surgery to get a biopsy of the mystery mass, and this surgery requires that they cut into the base of your throat (Aha! That is the thing on my neck!) and go into your chest to get the stuff they need. So, I went in for that, and when I woke up I could not talk. I thought that this was common, so it took me a day before I complained about it, at which point I found out that it is not common at all.

The Dr. took a video of my cords, which is highly unpleasant, and we found that the left cord had become “accidentally traumatized”, aka paralyzed, and was being a lazy, good for nothing jackass. He was just laying there doing nothing except being an a-hole. I had to live with nothing but an annoying Elmo-like whisper for about 6 weeks, until I found a specialist who I like to call “Dr. Meatloaf”. Dr. M. told me they could temporarily bring my voice back by injecting collagen into the lazy cord . Of course, that was yet another surgery, but since I am all about the talk, I had to do it. That surgery went fine, and although he did not give me Angelina Jolie lips like I suggested he do as long as he was going at me with a syringe full of collagen, it was easy peasy. I got a scratchy version of my voice back, but I wasn’t complaining. At least I could talk loudly again. Well, since those injections are temporary, it only lasted a couple of months, so I went back to do it again, but this time they told me that you have to be awake for the procedure. That was not a good thing. I have drawn a diagram of the event, and I just want to say, that of all the unpleasant procedure’s I have had done, this was by far the worst. I took a friend along, but she would not go into the procedure room with me, so the next time, she can suck it and I will take someone else ( I am currently accepting applications for someone to hold my hand during the next torture session).

So, suffice it to say, I do not see myself ever voluntarily going under the knife again. I am pretty sure that if I were ever to be operated on in the future it would involve a nightly news emergency bulletin, ambulances, jaws of life, and something like a near decapitation or a weird, giant, foreign body sticking out of my chest (or else a tummy tuck or lipo).

By the way…when the cut on my neck was fresh and nasty, I sent out a photo to my friends asking for alternative explanations to give people who asked me what happened or were just rudely staring. Here are a few of my favorites:

High-Maintenance soccer mom stabbed me with her stiletto
Champagne cork gone awry
Bad pole dancing accident
Mexico
Vegas
Hit by a blow gun dart while on African Safari
Benihana accident
Vampire hickey
Implant from my alien abduction
I tried to break up a notorious monkey knife fighting ring
Running with scissors

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