October 16, 2009

The Incredible Time-Out Machine

I was convinced I had thought of every “time-out” scenario possible. I have often said that I want a house with a “wine room/whine room”, the kind with the wrought iron doors that make it look like a fancy French jail cell. It would be a room that I would lock, I mean, gently place my kid in for a short period of time so that he could think about what naughty thing he did. Sometimes, it would be a room that I gently placed myself in to have a few glasses of Mommy’s Nerve Medicine so that I could calm down from whatever naughty thing my kid had done. I have also always dreamed of having one of those secret rooms behind a bookcase…not to put my kid in, but to put myself in. In my dream I keep this room a secret from my son, and when he is driving me to insanity, POOF! Mommy just disappears. With my ninja-like stealth I slip into the bookcase room, where I sit in one of those massage chairs that everyone sits in at Brookstone, and I fire up my margarita machine and relax. (Oh yeah, my room is sound-proofed as well, which allows me to blend away, and possibly scream at the top of my lungs, if that’s the kind of day I’m having).

Anyhoo…the one “time-out” scenario that eluded me was finally brought to my attention yesterday, thanks to CNN and Falcon’s fame-seeking dad: Giant Spaceship Balloon. Genius. Pure genius. Why didn’t I think of this? As you all know, when your kid is in “time-out” it can often be a headache for you because you have to listen to the whining, sobbing, and pathetic cries of “How much longer?” With the “Giant Spaceship Balloon/Time-Out Machine” you can finally rid yourself of the annoyances of “time-out”.

Step One:
Just loosely anchor the aforementioned device to your house, a fence, a tree, anything you want!
Step Two: When your kid starts whining about homework, what’s for dinner, how bored they are, etc… Simply send your child to the “Giant Spaceship Balloon/Time-Out Machine” so that he/she can think about what they have done.
Step 3: While your child is in the patented “safe, relaxing, and remorse-inducing environment”, you can go about your daily chores. If the G.S.B.T.O.M. is tethered to a tree, maybe it would be a good time to do your tree-trimming , weed-whacking, or some other outdoor chore that involves being near aforementioned tree with a sharp device that has the ability to “accidentally” cut through a large rope. If your G.S.B.T.O.M. is tethered to your house, then gosh-darnit, it is probably as good a time as any to do that much-needed maintenance your H.O.A. has been all over your lazy butt about. Power-washing, paint-scraping, shingle-replacing, whatever the chore may be. Just make sure you watch out for the rope tied to your house! You don’t want to mistakenly do anything to weaken it’s hold! If your G.S.B.T.O.M. is tethered to your fence, it is probably the perfect time for your narcolepsy to flare up while you’re on the riding lawnmower. Just make sure you aren’t driving towards the fence when it happens! That could be a very unfortunate accident indeed!

With the G.S.B.T.O.M. your sweet offspring will have plenty of time to think about how to be less naughty, loud, and just plain annoying. There’s nothing like gliding through the great blue yonder to induce sincere regret for ones behavior. You can bet your bottom dollar that lots of serious thinking will be going on in the G.S.B.T.O.M. At least until altitude sickness takes hold and they pass out, I mean, partake in a much needed and restful slumber.

These suckers are gonna go fast, so ORDER NOW! Free case of “Mom’s Old-Fashioned Nerve Medicine” for the first 20 callers!

(Seller is not responsible for any injuries, mental or physical, as well as any emergency life-saving costs that may be incurred by the city and/or state in which you reside.)

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